lillamy

Depending on what European country, you could contact a church. I know the churches in Catholic countries are usually excellent at providing direction to where you can get help.

PippiLngstockng

Btw happy, I embarrassed myself at the checkout. I shouldn't have tried to use my card when I wasn't sure if xah deposited the money. And then it was beyond dumb to ask my teen to text her dad for the money. Yes, I was tired and stressed, and I was thinking no big deal...he will put money in the account and we can save face and pay for the groceries in moments...i just didn't think he would let things go that far. And I forgot that my teen was going to get mixed up in the mess. I just was operating out of adrenaline. Maybe I need to double up on the meditation...

I think the holidays has something to do with this.

lillamy

It's so easy to get carried away and forget that we're not dealing with rational, normal people here. Don't beat yourself up, Pippi -- we're so not perfect, and that's OK.

Rosiepetal

No you will not loose custody.
Think of it as a lesson learned.
You were desperate & you asked for his help.
He's never going to help you.
You know that now.
Next time ask someone else for help.
Hugs.

Hawkeye13

It will be OK Pippi

I'm sorry you have to keep putting up with that azzhat and his azzhat tricks.

I still want to scratch his car with a key.
Childish perhaps, but gratifying to think about

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Pippi. AXH is supposed to pay 1/2 of the out-of-pocket costs for DS's medical and dental bills. He hasn't for a while now. When he stopped paying, I was at a point where I really needed him to. A little less so now. I still send him the info I'm supposed to send him along with a tally of the past due amount.

All I put in the emails is basically along the lines of: As outlined in Paragraph 10 of the Child Support Order dated xx/xx/xx by Judge A, reimbursement to the other parent for the uncovered medical expenses is due within 30 days of receiving health insurance statement and proof of payment. Copies of the [statements and EOBs] are attached. The total amount you owe is $x.xx. Payment can be sent to [address].

So, I basically treat it like a business collection letter. I didn't / don't tell him why I need it, even if I do, anymore. I've found: 1. Telling him I needed the money fed his need to feel he still had some control over me. And 2. When I quoted the court document that outlined the reason he owed money, I at least felt like I'd given him fair warning that he was going against the court, not just me, if he didn't pay.

It's not getting AXH to pay right now, but it helps me feel more comfortable with my side of the correspondence. Maybe using the same approach might help you feel better about the communication with your XAH and lessen the possibility of him feeling like he still has some control over you?

Hang in there!

wanttobehealthy

Contact a local church, particularly if it one you might belong to but even if not contact them. Several even. My kids will have Xmas gifts this year bc of my church and they are also helping with fuel bc I can't turn my heat on right now since I have nothing in my tank and it is about 47 in my house.

I share this bc I finally had to suck up my pride, realize that xAH who has endless $ from his family for himself, is NEVER going to provide so I had to figure out how to get help where I could.

There are people who will help you. You just have to determine who they are and then do the hard part of asking (for me asking for that hell was hard). Just know that your xAH won't ever be one if them so don't ask him. Figuring out how to make it it work without a cent of help from xAH has been the best things I've done.

Thumper

If it helps you to not make a similar mistake like the text - even if he would have put money in your account upon receiving the text I don't think you'd have been able to use the card. There is usually some lag time between when money is deposited and when it is available on a debit card.

PippiLngstockng

I am making mistakes because I can't ever seem to maintain my equilibrium when A). Zag is in town; and B). The money runs out and there's no money for basics.

I become unglued. I cry, I get angry, I panic, I act without thinking.

I spend much of my days feeling grateful, content and at peace. I have changed my life to be able to live in peace. But I must be failing because one little embarrassment at check out and I completely unravel.

The air has been thick and grey here. My friends are lovely bits of color in the darkening skies, but I am afraid. I am afraid that xah will win and this 15 hour family evaluation by the judge's appointed psychiatrist will elucidate not that xah is a cruel narcissist, but that I am overwrought and incompetent.

I just can't imagine xah failing to succeed. He always wins in the end. And yesterday, I was one horribly overwrought mom.

PippiLngstockng

Ps. 'Zag' is auto correct's version of xah!

PippiLngstockng

Hi want robe, I am so sorry that it is cold in your house. I have to remember what I have. Oatmeal was delicious cooked plain! The whole house smelled delicious!

It is the xah effect on me. It is fear. I think he is going to win, and that would mean that I no longer have the children, or a place to live here. Then I forget the day, the nourishing oatmeal, the darling children before me, and the warmth of my kitchen radiator.

I will call my church!

PippiLngstockng

Thank you, the uncertainty. I will try to not tell him ever again that we need the money. That is where he psychologically wants us, so reinforces bad behavior.

And Hawkeye, thank you for wanting to scratch his car. . I have an Italian friend who tells me none of this could have continued in Italy because the neighborhood men would have kicked the sh*t out of xah long ago. Or wrecked his car

Thumper

We all have our moments when we have a meltdown. I know I have. It's human, especially in stressful situations. Don't be so hard on yourself

hopeful4

I like the neighborhood men kicking the $hit out of him idea Pipp....just sayin...

lillamy

That's what would have happened in the rural part of the country I grew up in. Or, more likely, he would have had a "hunting accident." I don't condone vigilante justice, but I have to admit the thought of it gave me some breathing room at times.

Florence

A major turning point for me was when I could hear the quacking, identify the quacking, and say, "Okay. Whatever, pal."

What will it take for you to get to that moment? Do those things.

PippiLngstockng

I seem to have turned back. If I hang out here and read Courage to Change, I do pretty ok vis-à-vis xah.

But I got really into moving on. Work, better work, friends, children, fun, the gorgeous man in my life - I was on a roll of pretty much pretending that xah was old news. If I am going to have problems, let them be new ones.

And then it turned out to be a not great plan. Because xah reemerge a twice in a few weeks and I am caught off balance.

Lesson learned. I have to bolster myself before he's around by extra effort in the Al Anon department.

Can you always rely on yourself, Florence, to see the quacking now when it comes? How did you get there?

wanttobehealthy

I just settled, out of court, (not official yet but close) with xAH to avoid exactly what you are fearful of. Mine is a narcissist, an abuser, a drunk, a cruel, bad person and I dont quickly or easily classify people as good or bad. But he is pure evil as Peck describes in People of the Lie.

Anyway, perhaps you could identify the worst possible "this is what I can live with" as I did and propose it to your ex and let him believe that you are giving up a lot and he is benefitting but that you want to bring it to an end for the kids sake... Tell him you think he is a great dad and you know that he wants to do what is right and that you can co parent etc....

I told my xAH all of this -- did not put a stitch of it in writing of course Identify what a narcissist wants and needs to hear and tell him that to get this done for you.

I will have to live with xAH having the ability to drive the kids when he has them and have one overnight a week. But I can live with that bc I have safeguards in place and I know that now that he feels he's "got" something from me he wont want it for long...

So, maybe, as sick as it may make you, maybe reach out to your xAH (phone-- not writing) and ask about settling this yourselves...

I would not have thought it possible with my xAH narcissist nut case but it was... Maybe it could be for yours too

Florence

Yes, counseling. I am also a broke single parent. I struggle every month. I am tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I still had to make counseling for me a priority. I had to make a decision to manage my life head-on, and not rely on anyone else to save me. I had to make a decision not to get lost in another relationship before my old sh** was put to bed. I had to give up big things to make life easier on me and my kids.

As gently as I can say this, your stated methods of managing your life seem to be more about avoidance than clearing out the debris of your marriage and your life choices. It was my primary coping method too, and I suffered for it for many years.

When it comes to your boyfriends and workouts, you're willing to dig in and double down. When it comes to your XAH, you're more than willing to give him the reins to your well-being. What's that about? It's not a rhetorical question at all -- but I don't need to have any answers. That's what the counseling is for.

I know that for me, I was selfish and immature and wanted someone else to hand me solutions instead of working for them myself. My helplessness was magnified by fear, and all my abandonment issues, and my anxiety was nurtured by being blown around by unreliable people, who I needed around to keep the gravy train going. I managed my anxiety with boyfriends and social outings and telling myself I was "working on me" and "over my past" when I was actually doing no emotional heavy lifting whatsoever. For me, counseling -- long-term individual counseling on a sliding scale fee, made totally affordable, so no excuses for me other than avoiding my life -- made all the difference. It gave me new lenses through which to experience my world. It shifted the ground under me. But it was up to me to commit to it and to make better choices based on what I'd learned. I had to give up the illusion that I had all this figured out. Your mileage may vary.

MissFixit

This is very insightful. I too had to make hard decisions about how I wanted to live my life and what my value system was. As with most things in life, the hard stuff to deal with turns out to be the most beneficial once you do address it.

Like you, Pippi, I also use exercise to manage stress and deal with certain emotions. However, getting to the bottom of those emotions and their causes as well as working on fixing those causes has been a better long term solution for my well being. I still exercise everyday and I will never stop doing that, but sometimes I used exercise to get rid of the immediate stress feelings and anxiety without dealing with the root cause of those feelings. Therapy helped me deal with the root causes.