Responding to AH slipping/falling off the wagon?
 

I messed up and posted this to the wrong forum!
Husband who didn't work a recovery but stopped drinking 1 1/2 yrs ago got trashed last night. Can someone please point me to some links on how to respond? I'm no good with this iPad keyboard so I can't type all the myriad feelings I have right now, but a quick synopsis is that I'm in another state, working, and won't be home until Wednesday. I knew when I heard his voice on the phone last night, that he was drinking, and this morning he's called off work. My sister lives with us and confirms what I already knew.
I stopped going to alanon and whatever they'd said about relapse wasn't retained. Could use a quick refresher Yes, I'll be at the next meeting I can find...
Thank you!

Go back to al anon.

An alcoholic who is not working a recovery program isn't in recovery they are "white knuckling" it AKA: "dry drunk." He is still in the toxic mindset, just wasn't drinking (that you know of) until now.

It's so scary when they relapse after a clean time. I think it's double hard when they are out of town b/c let's face it, that is part of it for many people, having drinks while out with the buddies.

I can only say that I hope you go to Alanon and that he begins to actually work a recovery program also.

Hugs. I am sorry!

Did you two agree what would happen if he relapsed?

The good thing about agreeing on this beforehand, is if you need to go ballistic on him, it is written down that this is what response he agreed to. This document might be helpful for you to determine if he is flipped out and getting back into recovery or flipped out and plans to keep reuniting with his DOC.

http://feast-ed.org/Portals/0/Relaps...onContract.pdf

Good luck.

Oh how I wish I had a real keyboard! Thanks all. I'm surprised by this, though I know I shouldn't be! He has been very, very good - life has been better than ever, though we've been through big changes. It's been mostly a positive journey since we started, and I JUST started to trust him enough that I gave up my own place 2 months ago. I don't know what to say when he finally sobers up and calls me. I know that what I say won't affect his drinking or not - I just will say the truth I guess...
I am FAR ahead of where I was 16 months ago. Far enough to forget that literal pain I felt on realization, though!

No, we didn't, Code. I was intent on leaving if he didn't stop drinking completely, but that was July/August of 2013. He did stop, I'm pretty confident. I'm not vigilant - I don't check or look for bottles, but he had several intoxicated behaviors that I don't believe he could possibly camouflage.
The contract is interesting, but I haven't been involved in his "recovery." I don't want to contract with him. It's mostly black and white - that's set pretty firmly.

Well, it's a decision you have to make. Can you live with this constant fear that he may relapse, even after significant time clean. I could not. Some can.

Yes, I see that I'm going to have to come to terms with that! I have maintained a detached life since 7/13. He moved to another state this March (big promotion), but I refused to move there and give up my job and my people/ my life. The new house is 3 hours from where we did live. I'm not on the mortgage - my call. Just 2 months ago, I agreed to move there, but I'm maintaining my old job and My life here. I probably won't ever put my eggs in his basket again, but he'd been strong and steady for so long, and making all-around great changes in his life.
Got some soul searching to do.

Well, there is a meeting about 1 1/2 hrs away, tomorrow night, but I think I'm going to look for a daytime meeting on one of my days off. He did call, and hoped to pass the episode off as a belly flu, but I didn't play along. When I told him that I knew he was drunk last night, he apologized profusely. That was a first. Those words have never crossed his lips, though I can recall DEMANDING an apology in the past. I never got one.
I wasn't sure what I'd say to him, when he called. In the end, I just told him the truth - that I was angry and sad and hurt, that he decided to just throw in the towel and indulge himself. He doesn't recall anything that happened.
I'm going to continue "working in my garden," but restart alanon, and as long as he remains sober, I'll be going home Wednesday evening. When he asked what he could do, I told him that he needs to find a program or a counsellor and start really working on getting better. Honestly, I don't know what "really getting better" or working a program looks like. He has been AWESOME while sober. Really, really awesome, engaged, taking care of himself, making friends, participating in life again. He's drank twice since July '13.
It took over a year to regain trust in him. I hope that he looks seriously at some new options now.

Maybe I can. I love him very much, and this last year has been SO good. Assuming that he stays sober again, and especially if he starts working a program, maybe I can. I had really started to relax and not worry so much. Just Saturday, we were talking and I was telling him how grateful I am that he has chosen not to drink. My life is better with him in it, if he doesn't drink. It's a balance, isn't it?