charis78

I met my boyfriend two years ago. Things were absolutely lovely for six months then his drinking increased and fighting began. He was really nasty. For instance once he called me a **** and told me I belong in a zoo. He dumped me on my bday and just before Christmas. I sent him a letter about my concern about his drinking and where he could get help. He told me to F off.

I started dating another guy. He found out and then it was I love you and I'll get help etc. I went back bc I did miss and love him. I moved in with him bc it was close to my new job. I think he went to two counseling sessions before he stopped going. However he seemed to not be drinking alot so I said nothing. He was sober for three months and things were absolutely lovely. He was such a sweetheart. Then I found out I needed open heart surgery and had to leave my job bc I was sick. He began to drink and eventually his drinking increased and he got nasty again . I admit sometimes I can lash out too. He dumped me the week before the surgery because I was a miserable b$&ch.

The day before he texted me the day of" hate me or whatever but I hope it goes okay" I didn't respond bc I wanted to focus on preparing for the operation. Well there was major complications and I guess he texted my mom and she told him. He showed up in ICU three days after my surgery completely inebriated. Stayed for a half an hour then left and went home and drank more. He slept through the whole day and never came back. Then I got a text "I realize now I have a drinking problem and I'm going to AA" he kept saying he was going to come visit (be lives 5 minutes away from hospital) but never did saying he was too ashamed to face me

He has been telling me since then that he wanted to work things out but can't visit bc he was too ashamed to face my parents. He never came but we texted and fought. As far as I knew he was going to AA. The other day I checked if he was online dating and he was. I flipped at his deception. He said he's done with online dating and goes off the site, yet he is still on the other dating site. I confronted him and he got really nasty calling me paranoid and crazy borderline etc. I really think he's drinking. Again due to his nastiness and sleeping habits. I started sending texts that he should get help and I hate seeing him like this. Now in a manner of a week he wants nothing to do with me saying we are toxic and it's over between us. He said he doesn't love me anymore and that ship has sailed. If I try to contact him he responds nastily so I have left him alone. I am just so sad and feel that it's my fault bc I never dropped what he did at hospital. Also hurt that he rejected me even though it should be the other way around

Cleo1234

Don't let him turn the blame on you regarding his hospital visit.. He was out of line to come visit you while drunk. He's the miserable one, so of course he's going to treat you miserably too! You may feel sad now, but if you continue in this relationship you will be way worse off in the future. I get that you're hurt becasue you feel like he rejected you... but all he's wanting to do is drink and not have anyone make him feel guilty about it. Its not your responsibility to help him..only he can do that!

iamthird

It is painful the way an A can drop us. The truth is you deserve so much better. My separated AH told me to F Off once like 5 yrs ago and when that happened, I remembered a friend of mine told me I deserve a man who would never speak like that to me. Needless to say the verbal, emotional and physical abuse progressed....

You have to ask yourself the hard questions as to why you are missing and loving someone who treated you this way. It was not until I started answering those questions did the healing begin.

Stay connected here and love yourself...know your worth.

bird13

charis78, My heart goes out to you! What a difficult surgery to have.. Why don't you sign up on the al-anon active board? And attend some al-anon meetings? Share this story there too? You have been through so much. Sending you a big hug right now..

You are not to blame for anything that has gone wrong. The little things we do, that we thought made such a world of difference, really made no difference in this person staying with us or leaving us. They are under the control of the alcohol, and although he may have not been able to face you in the hospital, his behavior and choices are ultimately controlled by the disease. It takes us a long time to understand this and not feel the way you are feeling right now.

Sometimes, w can fix every last thing, do everything perfect, and they still will not do the right thing, b/c they aren't healthy mentally and able to see clearly what their fault is or responsibility is here, how their drinking is affecting their loved ones.

to dump someone 1 week before that surgery makes me cringe. There are so many men out there who would be losing sleep over you having to have that done, and be there for you no matter what, so you can see the addiction at work here. It is real brain damage to some extent from an alcohol soaked body and brain.

Go to Al anon, and find friends to confide in there, in the meetings. You will see clearly the path here, and be able to help yourself feel stronger, and be better able to deal with whatever may come.

God Bless.

charis78

He takes responsibility but I feel he diminishes it. For
Instance he will say "yeah I made some mistakes" or so what if I'm a liar at least I don't send your texts. I forgot to add before he came to
ICU he was sending texts about how he can't sleep, has been crying all day, can't focus, feels like collapsing, wants to jump off bridge but I feel that he said what he thought he was suppose to say. I don't understand how he can fall out of love with me so quickly and move on. Also don't understand why he lies to me
About dating others. And if you were so ashamed, wouldn't you try to make up for it by coming to visit. Also within a week he's gone from its hurtful what you think of me
To I don't care what you think and I have no desire to talk to you. Where's the Alanon board? He always says I play a victim

suncatcher

Charis78, there is a link under the friends and family that says 12 step recovery for friends and family. I hope you are recovering from your surgery. I am sorry for what you are going through. The A can put us through so much mental torture. They don't know how to meet our emotional needs because they are self centered and only think of themselves pretty much. I hope you can find strength and clarity here and through the 12 step program such as Alanon. There is so much support here and I'm glad you are here. Welcome

suncatcher

As far as him saying you always play the victim, remember he says those things to take the focus off of him and his drinking and put the blame and focus back on you. There is something called the drama triangle where we can play different roles such as the victim, persecutor and rescuer. Karpman triangle I believe it's called. It is common to get caught up in that triangle when in a relationship with an alcoholic. Google it if you can. I know you are hurting because he dumped you but it may be a blessing in disguise. You can now begin the healing process and focus on your recovery. Also read the stickies at the top of the page. There is a wealth of good information there too.

suncatcher

In my above post I said alcoholics are self centered and only think of themselves and I would like to rephrase that. The disease is self centered. It wants more alcohol. The person if not an alcoholic, might not be self centered. The disease itself however is a self centered b@$!# and will stop at nothing to get its fix and destroy anyone that gets in the way.

velma929

^^^this^^^

LexieCat

Bingo. You just wanted to be the one to do the rejecting.

I get it, but think about how crazy that really is. He's dump-worthy, but you're upset because he dumped you FIRST. (Remember, you dumped him once already.)

It really doesn't matter who dumped whom. This was a terrible relationship for you and on some level you know this. Let go of the "rejection" and look at it this way: he has freed you from a whole lot of pain.

He has let you down at every turn. He is incapable of being a good partner for you or anybody else. I would stop contacting him and start spending time in healthier ways and surrounding yourself with healthier people.

TopEndChick

Not true, don't perpetuate it for yourself. So sorry you are going through this, lots of help here. Welcome

marie1960

Your XABF is right about one thing, You are in a very toxic situation.

How is sending him texts, suggesting he get help, helping you? If he truly wanted help he would seek it out. Currently, he is just fine , doing what an active alcoholic does, he isn't searching for a recovery plan, your words are just annoying him and falling on deaf ears.

Life is a gift, Live it well.

You have much bigger fish to currently fry. You have experienced some serious health issues, best to concentrate on keeping yourself healthy, living with an active addict is both painful and stressful and will take a toll on your well being.

Also, he comes to visit you in the ICU, and it's all about him, really? who gives a rats azz if he can't sleep, or has been crying, or wants to jump off a bridge, what a jerk, here you are in ICU, and all he is concerned with is himself, good grief! And this is the classic example of why an alcoholic cannot be in a healthy, normal, committed relationship. You certainly deserve better.


Let this one go, your life may depend on it.

charis78

He dumped me the last time As well

marie1960

read this the other day.

My brother told me a joke, i laughed to tears.
He repeated the same joke, i laughed, but not as hard.
He kept repeating the same joke, and i stopped laughing.
he then said, "if you can't laugh at the same joke, over and over again,
why do you keep crying, when the same people hurt you over and over again?"

suki44883

You may not see it now, but his dumping you is a gift. The longer you stay away from him and avoid all contact, the more clearly you will see that the relationship was very toxic and you put up with stuff you never had to.

Dumper or dumpee doesn't matter. You are much better off without him in your life.

charis78

And I don't want to be the one rejecting because trust me I have had lots of opportunities. It's just feels like if the one that is messed up is rejecting me than I must be the loser

MissFixit

Life doesn't work like that. There are not winners and losers. You might consider rethinking your approach to this.

charis78

Well he rather be alone than be with me he said

MissFixit

OKay. That is his choice. You have to accept it. It hurts, but risking heartache is a risk we all take when entering into romantic relationships, or any relationship where you love someone.

Are you in therapy? It might really help you.

charis78

Well I just don't understand how one week he loves me and the next he doesn't. I any go to therapy I am in early stages of recovery from surgery