Dumped and devestated
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by charis78 
He dumped me the last time As well
The point is, he isn't good for you--wasn't when you went back to him, and isn't now.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I've learned that it is better to work towards accepting the unexplainable behavior of others rather than to waste one second of this precious life trying to explain it. It doesn't matter why he said one thing one week and another thing the next. People can say whatever they want, whenever they want, and you will never ever know where it comes from or why. Most of the time, THEY don't even know. Would you want the guy you broke up with in order to go back to your A to have spent all this time trying to figure out WHY you had a change of heart? Would knowing make any difference in what happened?
I usually find that when I am feeling desperate to understand someone else's motives, it is because I think I can control the situation (and how it feels) if I know, that I can work out a way to fix it. It's taken a lot of hard knocks for me to realize that it's an illusion. All the time I wasted obsessing on other people's motives was time I could have spent being nice to myself despite how others treated me, and learning that how people treat me says more about them than it does about me. If I allow someone who treats me badly to stay in my life and in my thoughts then THAT is on me.
Now is the time to take the opportunity that has been given you to let go of this man and his confusing signals and build a relationship with yourself that cannot be shaken by the chaos of someone else's addiction and drama. Sending you strength, courage, and lots of hugs.
I usually find that when I am feeling desperate to understand someone else's motives, it is because I think I can control the situation (and how it feels) if I know, that I can work out a way to fix it. It's taken a lot of hard knocks for me to realize that it's an illusion. All the time I wasted obsessing on other people's motives was time I could have spent being nice to myself despite how others treated me, and learning that how people treat me says more about them than it does about me. If I allow someone who treats me badly to stay in my life and in my thoughts then THAT is on me.
Now is the time to take the opportunity that has been given you to let go of this man and his confusing signals and build a relationship with yourself that cannot be shaken by the chaos of someone else's addiction and drama. Sending you strength, courage, and lots of hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sweetie, you are beating yourself up here.
You are trying to understand his reasoning. A person who is under the influence of a drug, is not thinking clearly. There is nothing normal about his thought process, and to try and read more into it, and rationalize this out, will drive you crazy.
It's as if you want to rewrite this story, and make it all better, I am so sorry, but that is not how this horrible, horrible disease works.
He is playing the come here, go away game, and yes, that is quite childish, and hurtful for you. the good news, you don't have to play along.
When someone shows you who they are, all we can do, is believe them, concentrating on who is the "dumper" or "dumpee" (pretty sure that is not a word) is completely irrelevant to this situation. That is what is called, beating the dead horse.
Keep posting, get it all out, we do understand what you are going thru.
You are trying to understand his reasoning. A person who is under the influence of a drug, is not thinking clearly. There is nothing normal about his thought process, and to try and read more into it, and rationalize this out, will drive you crazy.
It's as if you want to rewrite this story, and make it all better, I am so sorry, but that is not how this horrible, horrible disease works.
He is playing the come here, go away game, and yes, that is quite childish, and hurtful for you. the good news, you don't have to play along.
When someone shows you who they are, all we can do, is believe them, concentrating on who is the "dumper" or "dumpee" (pretty sure that is not a word) is completely irrelevant to this situation. That is what is called, beating the dead horse.
Keep posting, get it all out, we do understand what you are going thru.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 207
Thanks everyone:
I was thinking maybe I was addicted to him. For the first 8 months he admires me so much and I'm his rock. So it's quite a fall when he wants nothing to do with me anymore
I keep thinking maybe if I didn't bring up what he did at the hospital so much or get so angry at him or accuse him of dating others he still be here with me.
He seems to want help bc he seeks it out but he always reverts back to drinking after three months
I'm sad that it was so easy for him to give up. I feel I mattered very little to him and he resents me
Everything you guys say is true and I get it on a logical level but it hurts alot. When he is sober he is great!
I was thinking maybe I was addicted to him. For the first 8 months he admires me so much and I'm his rock. So it's quite a fall when he wants nothing to do with me anymore
I keep thinking maybe if I didn't bring up what he did at the hospital so much or get so angry at him or accuse him of dating others he still be here with me.
He seems to want help bc he seeks it out but he always reverts back to drinking after three months
I'm sad that it was so easy for him to give up. I feel I mattered very little to him and he resents me
Everything you guys say is true and I get it on a logical level but it hurts alot. When he is sober he is great!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Right there, is a clue to how this guy sees you.... He thinks he can win you back, dump you, treat you badly, win you back..... Cycle cycle cycle.
He says you are needy.... Maybe he is right.
That's not actually the bad news, lots of people can be a bit needy.
The bad news is that he knows it and is manipulating you with it.
Get away, stay away.
Good luck
He says you are needy.... Maybe he is right.
That's not actually the bad news, lots of people can be a bit needy.
The bad news is that he knows it and is manipulating you with it.
Get away, stay away.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by charis78
He said I need to be emotionally coddled. What does that even mean. I guess I have been very insecure bc of everything that has happened and his lack of effort
We all have to learn to validate ourselves before we can give our best selves to any relationship with another. I know it hurts. It gets better, but it takes time and space.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I too understand the health issue. My separated AH walked out on me and stayed gone while I fought Stage 4 head and neck cancer and had mulitiple surgeries, chemo and radiation. Dear, if he won't "show up" when you need him the most chances are he wont ever "show up". My separated AH once threw hot coffee at me before my surgery as I was walking into the hospital. Somehow my sick mind forgave that. I would not tolerate that behavior today. I am healthy and strong and know my worth today.
I have been where you are. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. Please start telling yourself that.
I have been where you are. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. Please start telling yourself that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by charis78
Well I just don't understand how one week he loves me and the next he doesn't. I any go to therapy I am in early stages of recovery from surgery
As far as this guys goes, I hope you realize what an unstable person he is and that you deserve more than he has to offer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
"And I don't want to be the one rejecting because trust me I have had lots of opportunities. It's just feels like if the one that is messed up is rejecting me than I must be the loser"
I remember reading a chapter in "getting them sober" by toby rice drews about this. How we think lowly of them, and then to be dumped by the lowly.. is a big blow. but not really, I wishI knew where I read it but i can understand how you feel that way. Lowers your self esteem in a weird way. I get it. Just know that is not the case. You aren't the loser. They are not thinking right.
I remember reading a chapter in "getting them sober" by toby rice drews about this. How we think lowly of them, and then to be dumped by the lowly.. is a big blow. but not really, I wishI knew where I read it but i can understand how you feel that way. Lowers your self esteem in a weird way. I get it. Just know that is not the case. You aren't the loser. They are not thinking right.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 207
It's really hard not to text when you have been talki g everyday and the. Suddenly get cut off. I feel really blindsided. I can't help thinking he dropped me bc he found another woman on tinder to message with and he doesn't even miss me or notice my absence
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
he may have found someone else.
he maybe on a bender.
he may not be.
But you still want answers from a man who happens to be an active alcoholic, it ain't happening.
If his hair was on fire and his life depended on it, there is a 99% chance, he would, lie those are not very good odds.
Exactly, what do you need to hear from him? Let's start there.
he maybe on a bender.
he may not be.
But you still want answers from a man who happens to be an active alcoholic, it ain't happening.
If his hair was on fire and his life depended on it, there is a 99% chance, he would, lie those are not very good odds.
Exactly, what do you need to hear from him? Let's start there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 207
I guess I don't need to
Hear anything bc I wouldn't believe it was the truth anyways but probably why he did these things and if he ever loved me
Hear anything bc I wouldn't believe it was the truth anyways but probably why he did these things and if he ever loved me
Last edited by charis78; 12-01-2014 at 07:32 PM. Reason: Additins
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
He's an addict. Addicts lie. Addicts pretend. Addicts hide the truth. Addicts don't know what they feel about anything other than how to get their next fix/drink.
Don't try to figure out an addict. You cannot, and quite frankly, you are too close to the situation to see things clearly. Stay away from him. Give yourself time to heal. In a few weeks, you will begin to see that you put up with a whole lot of shite that you shouldn't have.
Take care of yourself.
Don't try to figure out an addict. You cannot, and quite frankly, you are too close to the situation to see things clearly. Stay away from him. Give yourself time to heal. In a few weeks, you will begin to see that you put up with a whole lot of shite that you shouldn't have.
Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Well because active alcoholics, LIE, he is only doing what addicts do.
It's all about me, me, me, in their book.
They are addicts and protecting their addiction which comes first. that means before you.
He isn't lying to protect you, or sugar coat your world, he is protecting himself and protecting his right/choice to get up and drink again tomorrow. ( or whenever the next binge hits)
As others have said, this isn't about you, but you get to feel the hurt of being betrayed by the lies. It's 1000% unfair, and you certainly do not deserve this, but this is the way addicts roll.
I must admit I have struggled with the "did you ever truly love me", well as we say around here, it's actions and not words, so what did/have his actions told you ?
Perhaps, this is one of those life teaching moments, you certainly know what you are willing to accept in a partner, and you also have also experienced the unacceptable.
Have you ever watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? The "bad egg" meter? It appears, he is currently a BAD EGG.
**** and let's just say for one minute that he isn't an addict, then the way he has treated you, makes him a/an ?????? The guy has zero empathy or compassion for his partner who is laying in ICU, that would make him a very undesirable partner in my book. Drunk or sober do you really see this guy as the father of your children? Forgive me , but i don't see an adult man in his demeanor. I see a selfish self absorbed boy, who may or may not have a drinking problem.
It's all about me, me, me, in their book.
They are addicts and protecting their addiction which comes first. that means before you.
He isn't lying to protect you, or sugar coat your world, he is protecting himself and protecting his right/choice to get up and drink again tomorrow. ( or whenever the next binge hits)
As others have said, this isn't about you, but you get to feel the hurt of being betrayed by the lies. It's 1000% unfair, and you certainly do not deserve this, but this is the way addicts roll.
I must admit I have struggled with the "did you ever truly love me", well as we say around here, it's actions and not words, so what did/have his actions told you ?
Perhaps, this is one of those life teaching moments, you certainly know what you are willing to accept in a partner, and you also have also experienced the unacceptable.
Have you ever watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? The "bad egg" meter? It appears, he is currently a BAD EGG.
**** and let's just say for one minute that he isn't an addict, then the way he has treated you, makes him a/an ?????? The guy has zero empathy or compassion for his partner who is laying in ICU, that would make him a very undesirable partner in my book. Drunk or sober do you really see this guy as the father of your children? Forgive me , but i don't see an adult man in his demeanor. I see a selfish self absorbed boy, who may or may not have a drinking problem.
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