boundary blunder...comical
 

Not new here, just haven't been on much. Just thought I would share my latest learning experience.
I set a pretty clear boundary 5 years ago with the RAXH, that I am still i. A relationship with and live with. If you touch a drop, I'm gone. No negotiations, no fights, no words. Just done. Simple, right?

Well, guess what? Since I am not a psychic, I forgot to include in the boundary no pof addictions, or porn addictions either. Silly me!!!

And so here we are, with the quack, quack, quacking. Life lesson learned. New boundary will include all self indulgences that become addictive behaviours, that is, If I get over this lovely blow. I think its easy to not take alcoholism personally, but the porn and pof, thats a struggle, but working on it.

POF "addictions"??

It's a dating site. If you don't go on it, You won't get dates.

Just to clarify, the two of you are divorced, but you're still romantically involved and living together.

You aren't "stuck" because you didn't set a boundary before. Clearly it appears that this behavior is unacceptable to you. You weren't willing to live with the drinking, so why are you willing to endure this behavior that is equally disrespectful and upsetting?

You can decide any time that you are done with it. I looked at some of your previous posts and it sounds like this relationship is bringing you nothing but grief, between his family dramas and now this stuff.

I don't find it comical at all. Please take care of yourself.

aboutdone....I would like to suggest a book that you might enjoy, about now. It is called "The sabre-Toothed Tiger"--by Jose Perrine. It is a good synopsis of what may be going on within you--as you struggle with this situation. It is very easy to read and is only 145 pages. You can get it very cheaply as a used book on amazon.com (or the library).

educate me....I don't know what pof addictions are????......lol!

dandylion

"PlentyofFish"--an online dating site.

LexieCat.....OMG!

dandylion

Just because you don't list dating site and porn addictions as deal breakers doesn't mean they aren't. You don't have to 'give fair warning' or list every single unacceptable act ahead of time to say "I'm out." Common sense dictates that addictions to dating sites and porn would appear on a list of what is unacceptable in relationships.

If he is twisting the fact that it wasn't specifically stated that is just a major Quack and you are not obligated to entertain that quacking.

Yeah, just as a reminder to you and to others here, boundaries are what YOU will accept, not "rules" for him to follow. You are never obligated to communicate or explain your boundaries to someone else. It isn't a list of "warnings."

Thanks all!
Yes, we are divorced, but got back together after he attended a 30 day treatment plan and 6 months of both of us really deciding what we wanted.
I agree it isn't comical, but you ever reach that point of being so livid there is nothing to do but laugh hysterically? That is where I am at. The insanity of it all.....
I am free to walk with no legal battle whatsoever. I have full custody of our daughter. Most everything is mine.
I know for my own sanity that leaving is the best thing, unfortunately, finances do not support that at this time. Even though I know I need to detach from all of it, I can't help but be ticked off that I need to uproot my children and myself from our home because he just can't stay in good faith. And thanks for the book suggestion. I will have to check it out. I have plenty of time to read while I try to avoid any communication with him. Can I just say, I really really dislike the disease, and/or the level of entitlement it breeds. :(

ain't THAT the truth?

Sending support and warm wishes to you this weekend and holiday season.

Sorry sweetie, but I can't collude with this. There's plenty you can do!

(Think about it!)

Sometimes it's hard to see the difference between healthy boundaries and rule setting as an effort to control a situation. It can be helpful and clarifying to do a reality check/check your motives with someone experienced in the program. Best wishes to you

He will simply find another addiction to fill it with. It's an addictive personality and nothing helps except active recovery, including the hard work that goes with it.

Curiosity, how did you discover what was going on?

That aside, although you are livid, it sounds to me that this may not.be a deal breaker for you if.you are thinking of staying with him. If you are planning to stay, then perhaps the focus now needs to be on how to rebuild trust and whether he can kick these substitute addictions too. I hear it's not uncommon for alcoholics in early recovery to seek the same exhilaration from sex addictions. Do.you think you can rebuild trust with him? If not then I would reconsider hanging around!