Soberintexas007

Well, if you remember a week ago, I had posted last Saturday that I had left my husband, only to get back together the following night. I was at an all time low last week, anxious about everything.

My husband has stayed sober during the past week, and things have been pretty good. During the past two days on his days off, we have gone out to dinner twice, seen two movies, and watched tv together. It has been very refreshing and nice, the opposite of what I was feeling last week. Rather than yell at me when I make driving mistakes, he has stayed calm and nice. Rather than escalating a disagreement into a raging fight, the disagreement has stayed at just that, a disagreement. He has been going to bed at a reasonable time, and we have enjoyed our time sleeping and cuddling with one another. Rather than being all amped up and overly energetic, he has been pretty calm and subdued.

Because he is just staying sober from alcohol without treatment, is it likely that he will pick up another drink soon? Possibly. Is it likely that he still has pent up anger that the alcohol brings out? Possibly. But I am supporting him the best ways that I can and giving it my best shot, and in the meantime and am enjoying the company of the man I married.

marie1960

Alcoholism is a disease, and it simply does not evaporate because he stops drinking, recovery and "not drinking" are not the same. That "pent up" anger will probably resurface.

I certainly hope your husband reaches out and embraces a recovery program. You can support him, but this is an inside job.

I truly do not want to sound negative or discouraging, but my personal experince when XA would screw up big time, he would be Mr. wonderful for a bit and then before I knew it, it was lather, rinse , repeat. It was the calm before the storm.

keep educating yourself about addiction, it's all you can really do, when I truly wrapped my head around what a horrible disease this truly is, I was able to take better care of myself.

healthyagain

I can only say, good luck. The greatest problem is that you can never know when an alcoholic will flip. You can enjoy the periods of niceness, they can last for weeks, for months even, but also for only a few hours. I do not want to discourage you. My husband has lots of anger and frustration, and alcohol only lowers inhibition. Just because he does not say things when he is not drinking does not mean that he is not thinking about them. But can you certain that he will not pick another glass? Honestly, I gave up.

FeelingGreat

Alcoholics do give up drinking cold turkey so it's not impossible he will stay sober. The only answer anyone can give is 'time will tell'. You probably have much more of an idea than anyone else in his life.

BoxinRotz

Until he uncovers WHY he drinks, he will continue to drink to cover the WHY part. I've seen it so many times before. It's a matter of time before he goes back. He really needs a program that will work for him whether it's personal 1 on 1 or group sessions in AA.

LadyinBC

So hard to predict and no can give you an answer. The stats for us in recovery is quite low. With that being said if I based my recovery on stats I would still be drinking. However, I do put more effort into my recovery because of this.

Marie is spot on, to stop drinking is one thing, to learn to live sober, stay sober and deal with your issues it is something else. These issues don't go away because you quit drinking. If fact, sometimes they get worse.

You need to be realistic about your situation and he has only been sober for a week. There could never be a relapse or he could have many. The anger comes from somewhere and isn't going to go away because he quit drinking.

What is he doing for his recovery? What tools is he learning so that he can start coping without drinking? The less effort you put into recovery the more chance a person has of relapsing. And for me that was because I wasn't serious at the time about quitting so I didn't really put any effort into it.

And the most important thing in all this is what are you doing for you?

LeeJane

As an A with 4 years sober, I agree with the above posters. Recovery is in two stages. Putting down the alcohol first, then working a program to learn to live a sober life and deal with the issues laying under the drinking.

9111111

Living with an alcoholic can leave you starved for drama-free good times. I understand that you want to enjoy the moment, and I know that you have an escape plan in place in case things to back to "normal".

Maybe it's like the CRAFT people say, and the good times you seem to share with your husband right now make him crave more of this happiness and will motivate him to find suitable treatment and support for the next steps of his recovery. Only time and his actions will tell.

Maybe your husband has also added another drug to his self-medicaton kit. I once believed to see positive change, as there was too little I knew about the "mood altering power" of street drugs. Withdrawel from these substances got worse over time, and my addicted friend's actions became a danger to himself and for others.

We form our expectations based on past experiences. Some experiences teach us to expect the worst. A lack of experience can lead to situations we would never have expected to find ourselves in.

LadyinBC

This is a very good point. If you want more info on CRAFT, go here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html

Lots of good info there you might find helpful. I don't know much about it, but it has worked for a few people on this site. Doesn't hurt to build up your knowledge base.

Bullfrog

I would encourage you to google and research "the abuse cycle." Awareness is the first step.

Seren

I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting to enjoy the good times with your husband, justbreathe. Since he does have a history of anger (and there are many, many alcoholics who are never rage-filled or violent), perhaps just be aware of that possibility and have a plan in place in case things change.

Fandy

but you did not mention what you said before. He is smoking pot daily. Or is he?
If you make so many "driving mistakes" that tend to annoy him, why doesn't he just drive since he dislikes your directional ability? (I have no sense of direction myself)

He is sober from booze, but he is not living sober if he smokes pot every day, he is still under the influence of a recreational substance.

I am glad that you had a peaceful weekend and feel better, but it seems like you are still waiting for the other shoe to fall on your head.

dandylion

Justbreathe....I agree that there is nothing wrong with enjoying the pleasant times with your husband. It is quite natural to enjoy the pleasantness, after all.....

It is significant that you continue to come here and post and to (at least) listen to the abundance of dialogue...and, information that is being offered up by us posters......
You are storing information, right now. Using some for now....and storing some (for later use).
I see this as useful for you....because, some people just stomp off, mad....because they don't like all the feedback.

Keep learning, keep listening, keep reading,.....and, above all, keeping your own sobriety.

dandylion

LexieCat

I'm glad you're having a peaceful week.

I know you're desperately hoping for some reassurance. I can't give you that as far as he is concerned. I think you are still in a dangerous situation. The behavior you are describing is typical after an acutely violent incident.

I haven't seen anything to indicate he is serious about changing. All he is doing right now is keeping a lid on it. That lid can blow off at any time, and maybe when you least expect it.

I'm hopeful for YOU, though, because you are still here and still talking to us, and still working on your own recovery from alcoholism. Are you still meeting with/talking to your sponsor?

Soberintexas007

He is not really doing anything for his recovery, but he has at the time stopped his alcoholism by quitting drinking. I often talk to him and provide encouragement and support and have offered my own personal experience with my own alcoholism and recovery, so I guess he is getting 1 on 1 support from another alcoholic, and they do say in AA that all you need is two people. I personally do go to AA and work the steps.

Soberintexas007

I agree with you, as I do believe he needs sobriety and a recovery program. But I am not going to leave him at the time for not working a recovery program because he is decent, nice, and manageable. So the prognosis for him is not good since he is not working a recovery program, but like I said, only time will tell if that part comes to bite him in the end.

Soberintexas007

Thank you, I will look into it.

Soberintexas007

Yes, he does smoke pot daily, but I do not have a problem with this, as he is decent, nice and manageable when smoking weed and not belligerent and angry. I would prefer that I drive even when he is smoking pot because pot can impair one's driving and is technically illegal if proven by a cop that you are driving under the influence of pot. I have stated that he is sober from alcohol, but he is not sober from all mind altering drugs. But until that second part creates a problem in our relationship, I am not going to fuss about it.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I still talk and meet with my sponsor.

LexieCat

He hasn't "stopped his alcoholism." You can't "stop alcoholism" by not drinking. Alcoholism can be "arrested," or put into remission, with proper treatment (not necessarily rehab or AA, but some kind of systemic internal change). Without it, all you have is an alcoholic who isn't drinking. At the moment. But even a recovered alcoholic remains an alcoholic.