Fandy

I'm sorry, but this is ridicules....as is providing "encouragement to another alcoholic" like you are his sponsor and counselor.

you are the babysitter, he hasn't done anything for himself, except attend one AA meeting with you....good luck.

ladyscribbler

I know a couple in recovery. I met the husband in Alanon meetings. His wife attends AA those nights. He attends AA other nights while his wife is in Alanon (they have an alcoholic/addict son).
Work your own recovery. Take care of you. If it's meant to be, great. If not, at least you will have been working your own recovery.

Soberintexas007

Yes, that is what I meant, that he has currently arrested his alcoholism by quitting drinking at the time. You do not need any treatment to arrest alcoholism (the only thing you need to do is stop ingesting alcohol). Treatment helps to increase the chances that an alcoholic will not drink again.

Soberintexas007

Substituting marijuana for alcohol is a current harm reduction strategy, and I do feel safer when he is smoking weed rather than drinking alcohol.

AA members provide support and encouragement to other alcoholics at meetings all the time. I find nothing wrong with someone's wife (who also is a recovering alcoholic) to provide this same encouragement, as there is nothing in the Big Book that states someone's spouse cannot provide support and encouragement. Nothing is black and white, as there are shades of gray.

I may be his babysitter in many ways, but I do not have a problem with this at the moment, as long as he is not belligerent towards me.

Soberintexas007

And that is exactly what I am doing, working on my own recovery while also providing as much support and encouragement for my husband and his recovery.

marie1960

Gosh, I hate to keep sounding like "the negative nancy" here, but, IMHO, you are currently just jumping seats on the titantic. Searching for the lesser evil....

He is not dealing with his disease,

and you friend, are willing to accept a relationship with a man who can only be in a relationship if he remains under the influence of a drug.

Please know, my words come from a place of caring, as I have walked your path.

HerLastNerve

Justbreathe1980, I agree with many of the posters who said that you being willing to keep talking is a good thing. Sometimes we need to think out loud, and you seem to be willing to accept feedback for the time being. I hope that you are able to decide what is best for you, and obtain the peace of mind that is so much needed.

LexieCat

That isn't exactly correct. Untreated alcoholism manifests in a whole range of undesirable personality issues that will continue to affect both of you.

I think the point we are all trying to get across is that this is unlikely to be a viable solution to the problem. A spouse or partner, even when there are not issues of abuse, cannot be the sole source of support or encouragement. With the abuse issues mixed in, it's a powder-keg.

We know you have decided on this course for right now. Just keep what we are saying in the back of your mind, and don't be afraid to change course if it seems to be the wisest thing to do.

unsureoffuture

Justbreathe1980,

You have made the choice to stay with him which is entirely up to you. Only you know what is best for yourself and the situation. I hope things work out the way you want them too.

You know the likelyhood that he will begin drinking again is very good. More likely than not and you sound like you are ok with that chance. My advice is to continue to take care of yourself, set your boundaries and when the time comes (if it does) you will know how to handle it.

My only concern is that you seem to be denying to yourself his problems with addiction. It is OK to you that he abuses pot because he is "decent, nice and manageable". As long as he is "decent, nice and manageable" you are willing to put up with things in the relationship. Ask yourself these questions honestly. Don't you deserve more? Don't you deserve a partner who can be there fully for you without being under the influence of anything. Don't you deserve someone you dont have to always drive around because he is smoking pot? Do you see a future with this person, plan on having kids with this person? Knowing that addictions do get worse over time, is he someone you can count on to be a true partner to you? Do you accept him totally for who he is today and not the person you want him to be?

Only you know the answers to these questions. Don't sell youself short because you fear the alternative. If he is everything you need him to be and need from a relationship then great. I wish you a lifetime of true happiness with him. If not ask yourself why you are settling for someone less than you want or deserve.

Refiner

I think you probably feel a wave of relief that he is acting "normal" to you... well, not being beligerently abusive, at least. And you want to enjoy it while you can. I don't blame you. I think what most posters and I are just pointing out is that it probably won't last (his abstinence from drinking) but it sounds like you totally understand that. Enjoy the calm while you can. And know we love and support you along your way and just care about how you're treated. And most importantly, want you SAFE. Keep posting as always. We're here.