walkinganewpath

This is just a bit of a brain dump of the past week that I need to get out. Not necessarily looking for comment - I guess I'm using you all as my 'share' for today...lol

Seeing way too much of the same thing from AH night after night. Let's see it is now 5:31pm and yep he's out for the night. As in asleep - ok honestly as in passed out.

He's had a few blackouts this week. Is 'losing it' emotionally all over the place. When he hasn't started drinking yet or has had to stop he is a bear to be around. Unreliable, argumentative, scatterbrained, talks incessantly, etc. Interestingly the theme of his emotional breakdowns are that he knows he's going to lose everything.

Ok enough about the A...

I can't wait for Monday for him to go to work and so I can go to my Monday meeting. I've been reading everyday, staying out of his way, staying calm, keeping the plans that I've made (as long as kids are covered safely), have no expectations and no demands of him at this time.

I feel way better than I ever thought I could with all this going on. Don't get me wrong I'm sad, I'm a bit stressed but I'm really focusing on first important thing next and setting some boundaries. As well as letting go. I've had a bit more patience with everyone - AH included.

I've been thinking a lot about where I've been feeling stalled and I think I'm ready to get acquainted with Step 4 and what it takes to work through. My other goal for this next week is to figure out what kind of support my kids need and get that in place.

Katchie

I know you don't need a comment, but I wanted to say that you sound good and hope that continues for you even tho. the A in your life is still an A....I'll let you decide what the A stands for... hehe.

suncatcher

Wow I can relate to the passing out at 5 pm! My AXBF used to do that all the time...still does though we don't live together now and I don't have to see it every night. I remember feeling very lonely most nights. Now I enjoy my calm surroundings. You sound like you are doing very well in your recovery! It's very freeing when we can find that peace of mind even in the midst of chaos. Keep taking care of you!

LexieCat

I agree--your recovery's showing, and it looks great on you.

walkinganewpath

LOL...the A means different things depending on the day - ok depending on the hour.

Sometimes the A even has rare moments of adorable still. Getting fewer and farther between though.

walkinganewpath

There is still a lot to be revealed and I have no idea what that is. I also know he isn't at his bottom but is progressing to a pretty bad place.

Today is ok...I don't doubt there will be quite a few that are very hard to deal with in the future but can't go there yet.

So as far as recovery - I know I have to keep working but I am seeing some of the benefits of using the tools I've learned such as detaching, letting go and staying on my own side of the street. It's helping me deal with the right now but I know I need to learn more to deal with the 'what's next' I guess it's one of those things we need to keep working on right? Once we figure something out, something else changes.

Thanks for listening

walkinganewpath

You know what sounds a bit lame - I actually don't know what to do with him when he's awake past 7pm. It's almost like he's interrupting my regular evening routine. And if he is awake and grouchy the kids always whisper to me "isn't he going to bed soon???"

amazing what we normalize

LexieCat

I always felt it was lonelier to be in a relationship with an alcoholic than it ever was living by myself. I think you will find it very peaceful.

suncatcher

Walkinganewpath, I know what you mean about not knowing what to do if they are up past 7 pm too..I used to think isn't it past his bedtime? Then he would keep me awake all night because he would wake up hungry at 12 am and leave stuff all over the kitchen then get up every few hours to smoke. I get so much more sleep now!

NWGRITS

My AM was always in bed at 7. I find out in my late teens that she'd always been that way, even when my sister and I were babies. All of our care was provided by our dad and grandmother. AM was very hands-off with us. Once in a while, if she was really hitting it hard, she'd be up late scrubbing her shower down. I got more than one phone call from the neighbors about the noise, as her bathroom backed up to their bedroom.

jerri11

I've recently quit drinking. I was drinking largely to avoid dealing with my hubby's heavy daily marijuana habit and how it seemed to change his personality over time. I finally quit, in large part, because if I didn't, I was going to implode from all the pent up resentment and anger. So, here I am sober for the first time in years and he's still stoned out of his gourd. All the time. And in complete denial. It's uncomfortable to say the least to be living this addiction thing from both sides. But I like your tool set that you listed above. Definitely, some food for thought.

Thank you.