Walking on Eggshells

Old 11-29-2014, 06:36 AM
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Walking on Eggshells

Hi All,

I sent a text this morning to XABF regarding a business event we both agreed to do through my business (charity event). I'm second guessing myself because I sent a text and email four days ago and he never responded. This has been a coping mechanism with him the last couple years. He gets ticked off at me and doesn't respond, and he may or may not ever say why. In the meantime, I am second guessing whether anything I said in this text may have been offensive. I seem to have a knack for insulting him.

My roomie's opinion is it must be my fault and he believes I insert barbs that I'm too blind to see or acknowledge. I work very hard to send things that I think are offense-free. I don't know whether this is just me being codie, the X being an A, or whether I actually am a snarky person and don't want to admit it. Step work helps with this, but I don't know if I'm being too judgmental of myself or not judgmental enough. I sent the text as per the X's request that I notify him when I'm sending an email, because he doesn't check his email very often. In today's text, I said, "I would still like to practice some holiday-based designs per my email. I value your thoughts. Let me know! Thanks!" The roomie said the "per my email" was snarky. I put that in thinking that maybe the X hadn't read the email yet, so he wouldn't know what I was referring to. Sheesh! Why do I do this to myself? (And a good response, is, "Yes, why do you?")

Maybe there's just so much damage that anything I say or do is offensive to him at this point.

After this event, I don't plan to work with him any more. He's asked me to keep hiring him, but it feels as if I have no say in the parameters of the assignment for fear of offending him. I'm conscientious in my business, and it's one of the reasons that I get hired a lot. I've asked if we can meet to prepare for this event. If I don't follow up, I don't hear. And if I do follow up, I'm being annoying in the X's opinion. I just need to give him "time" to get around to things. Time is running down and I want this event to be a success. It's in two weeks and we haven't discussed any specifics yet. We've know about it for over a month and with the long, holiday weekend, I thought it was a good time (he did tell me he had no plans). We both work fulltime day jobs with opposing schedules, so we only have this weekend or next to prepare.

The good news is, he's an "add-on" for this charity event. I figured it was a way to keep me from being an enabler or too invested. He wants to do it because he can put out a tip jar to raise money for a co-worker from his day job who has a mound of medical bills from his child. (Yes, very caring, even for an A.) If he doesn't show, then I'm not out anything. My concern is if he DOES show and isn't prepared. My biz could look bad. I didn't think that through when I made the arrangements. Ultimately, it's a community event and we are receiving free advertising and exposure to a targeted market in exchange. He is a sub-contractor for me and has his own biz doing this as well, so he could benefit.

I know that anything past this event is my own responsibility because...well, the great thing about hitting your head against a wall is how great it feels when you stop.
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Old 11-29-2014, 06:44 AM
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Your text sounded fine, I'm not sure what your roomie is talking about. Besides, it doesn't matter what you say to your EXABF, he'll be angry anyway. You're using up a whole lot of mental energy on this that you shouldn't. Taking your EXABF out of the picture, would you tolerate this from anyone else you hired to do a job?
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Old 11-29-2014, 06:45 AM
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That was a totally snark-free text. Trust me, as an occasional practitioner of snark (that I fancy myself I use judiciously), I know it when I see it.

You aren't going to work with him any more, and he's an ex at this point, correct? No concerns about burning bridges?

I'd suggest texting him and saying that unless you hear from him over the weekend, you will assume he's no longer interested in the event and plan accordingly. It sounds like HE has an issue with passive-aggressiveness. You don't have to be his victim.
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Old 11-29-2014, 07:31 AM
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The only concern is that since we are both in the business, and we network with others in it, that he can slam me. We all hire each other when we need extra help. He has my business listed on his LinkedIn profile as an "employer" (which I was not, he was a subcontractor) for a period when he was unemployed, so he didn't have a two-year gap in his employment history. When he got angry at me once, he updated his profile to say, "I no longer accept bookings through Company X (mine)"; rather than just listing an end date. He's since taken that comment down, but I'm concerned he'll throw it back up. One of my professional friends says, "No one cares what he says any way. That just makes him look small-minded."

I recently joined a professional organization to network, and have started cultivating some other professional resources. I've even spun off a LOT of new business for myself because of it.

I thought it was better to keep my friends close, and the competition closer. I just need to fine-tune my thinking to "do the footwork, and leave the results to God."

I'm tired of having to eat crow to keep the peace, even when it isn't my responsibility.

Katchie, you're right. I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone else. When I made contact with the new resources, I quickly sorted them out into who I'd hire and who I wouldn't based on their professionalism and ethics. At least I took those lessons with the X and other previous injurious business relationships to heart and learned from them going forward.

LexieCat, I loved your "practitioner of snark" (albeit occasional). It gave me some needed comic relief.

The roomie felt I was implying, "And you didn't even read my email." I felt tag-teamed this morning (both the roomie's reaction and X's unspoken non-reaction).

I appreciate both your replies. Though I don't post often, I read here a lot. Both of you have been great supporters of recovering codies and your replies to them help me immensely! Thank you!!!
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Old 11-29-2014, 07:35 AM
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Yeah, I think I'd work on letting go of the placating. Let him say/do whatever. If it ever gets to the point where he is slandering/libeling you or your business you can take legal action, but I'd make ignoring it the first step. People DO quickly learn who is unprofessional in small industries, and it reflects more on him than on you.
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Old 11-29-2014, 08:33 AM
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if you had contacted someone else for help with this event, and they did not respond.....what would you do? find someone else!

as for your roommate, seems like there is some agenda there....i'd disengage and not share your personal interactions with the ex OR others.
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:26 AM
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I heard back.

He's been "ill", and didn't get to check his emails. He "didn't want to worry" me any longer.

He sounded very depressed, which was a major reason we fell apart. He talked about depression and suicide all the time, but didn't want to do anything about it, other than to pop an antidepressant that wasn't working and to keep drinking. Suicide is now off topic--despite the fact that I lost two A brothers to it. He can also be very UP at times. Not up to me to diagnose, though.

Previously, this would've been my cue to jump in and try to fix things--offering as much compassion as I could muster and trying to find the words that would be the magic key. One time, I went too far in trying to help, and I had to make an amends. (Keeping my side of the street clean.) This time, I just listened but didn't comment.

He says he'll call later to set up a time to work on the event. I'm not going to attach any expectations to that either way.

If he doesn't show at the event, I'll say nothing unless asked. If I am asked, I'll reply, "He could not attend." If they press further, I'll just change the subject or something similar.

Fortunately, he hasn't shown to events drunk; but I realize there's always a first time. Better to avoid inviting worry and trouble in the future.

Thanks for all the experience, strength, and hope.
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:32 AM
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And as I said before, this is volunteer, and no one else stepped up. So he either shows or he doesn't. If this event was held to give away bicycles, we'd be like the card clothes-pinned in the tires (brrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmm). It won't affect whether the shiny, new bike gets from A to B at all.

Again, it was just me wanting to do well. In the future, I'll choose someone who I KNOW will be reliable and dedicated and who will make the company look good.
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:48 AM
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Sounds like a plan. Hopefully you will get through your event without the anchor dragging you down. You can cut him loose from your future endeavors.

Hugs!
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Old 12-15-2014, 10:17 AM
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UPDATE!

Update! There was a silver lining.

The XABF showed up. He never came through on practicing. He never got me the photo of the little girl for whom we were collecting tips. The family for whom we were raising the money never showed or contacted me. I gave him the $ to pass along, no idea if it will ever reach its destination. He did a passable job, but also brought along his new A girlfriend. It was an uncomfortable four hours to say the least.

The silver lining? His daughter showed up part-way through. She's 19 and I was going to be her stepmom. (Met her when she was 12.) She helped me with some face painting. At the end, she lingered when everyone had left and invited me to dinner.

She talked about her relationship with her dad, and how she was tired of him demonizing me periodically and telling her I'm nuts. She said she wants to learn how to face paint professionally; she misses me; and doesn't want to ever lose contact with me again. She said she attended the event because she hadn't seen me for a while, and she knew her dad would be sober to do the event. (Otherwise, she doesn't visit him because she hates it when he's drunk, which is most of the time at home.)

I bid her dad farewell yesterday, knowing that it's unlikely I'll see him again, or if I do, it will be brief and rare.

Making contact with my almost-daughter was a rare and precious moment. I'm glad that she's back in my life and she's thrilled too. She said she's old enough to choose her own friends now, and she chooses to have me as a close one.

Overall, despite it being a tough afternoon, it was a WIN in the end!!!
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