Aware of Link Between Husband's Alcohol Use and Violent Behavior
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Aware of Link Between Husband's Alcohol Use and Violent Behavior
Now that my husband has been six days sober from alcohol, I am seeing that his violent behavior has happened when he has been drinking (his violent behavior involves yelling, screaming, and physical threats, but no overt acts as of yet). I know of several instances in his past in which he actually was physically violent when drunk with other people from stories he has told me.
But I notice that when he is sober, I feel a lot more confident that he will not become violent (although no one can be 100% sure). He is so much different when he is sober from alcohol and does not get into the same rages as when he has been drinking. I guess I am fortunate to have this, as some women have reported that their husbands are still violent and abusive even when not drinking.
All of this just shows me how important it is for me to stick to my zero tolerance policy for alcohol with my husband, which he seems okay with at the time. If I allow him to drink around me again, I am putting myself at physical risk, and I do not want that to happen.
But I notice that when he is sober, I feel a lot more confident that he will not become violent (although no one can be 100% sure). He is so much different when he is sober from alcohol and does not get into the same rages as when he has been drinking. I guess I am fortunate to have this, as some women have reported that their husbands are still violent and abusive even when not drinking.
All of this just shows me how important it is for me to stick to my zero tolerance policy for alcohol with my husband, which he seems okay with at the time. If I allow him to drink around me again, I am putting myself at physical risk, and I do not want that to happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
If you allow him?
Hun, there is nothing you can control about another person's behaviour. All you can do with a boundary is set out what your behaviour will be if he drinks again. Boundaries are for us, not them.
If he is not working a program, he WILL pick up again. Nothing is more certain than that. It's like a diabetictrying to contril their illness with diet alone, but blindfolded. Eventually something will trigger their disease and they will become seriously ill again.
So, knowing what he will do, that leaves you. What will you do? Most of us here took ourselves to alanon to prepare and learn how to look after ourselves, you might find it as wonderful as I did.
Keep posting here, we have all been in the same boat and there is a wealth of wisdom and empathy here.
Hun, there is nothing you can control about another person's behaviour. All you can do with a boundary is set out what your behaviour will be if he drinks again. Boundaries are for us, not them.
If he is not working a program, he WILL pick up again. Nothing is more certain than that. It's like a diabetictrying to contril their illness with diet alone, but blindfolded. Eventually something will trigger their disease and they will become seriously ill again.
So, knowing what he will do, that leaves you. What will you do? Most of us here took ourselves to alanon to prepare and learn how to look after ourselves, you might find it as wonderful as I did.
Keep posting here, we have all been in the same boat and there is a wealth of wisdom and empathy here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Justbreathe, does he while sober attempt to exert control over you in any way? By that I mean, tell you what he is comfortable with YOU doing, where he is okay with you going, who he thinks you should or shouldn't be spending time with? If the answer to any of these is yes, it's still abuse.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Six days isn't very long.
Time will reveal more--right now it sounds like you are trying to rationalize staying with him.
Unfortunately, as a recovering alcoholic myself, what you have described is a person who is not in recovery but instead is what we call "white knuckling" to not drink.
Recovery is about understanding the underlying reasons why one drinks, and what the source / cause / trigger of the anger and pain are.
If he doesn't do that, he will pick up again. He isn't working on himself and that
is the huge red flag that is flying dangerously high.
Given what you've described, I don't think it will be all that long either so remember not to confront him alone if you notice something. Just get out.
I have lived with violent drunks and if you start needling them about their drinking they blow up and direct the anger at you. That's why all of us are so worried.
Don't assume you can control anything about another person, especially an alcoholic.
You are giving it a good shot and putting up with what I see as too much compromise to be "happy",
but remember it collapses as soon as he takes the first drink.
Past history is a good indicator of future performance.
I know this from my own experience--until I truly embraced recovery I kept relapsing. That's just how it works.
Hugs to you--
Time will reveal more--right now it sounds like you are trying to rationalize staying with him.
Unfortunately, as a recovering alcoholic myself, what you have described is a person who is not in recovery but instead is what we call "white knuckling" to not drink.
Recovery is about understanding the underlying reasons why one drinks, and what the source / cause / trigger of the anger and pain are.
If he doesn't do that, he will pick up again. He isn't working on himself and that
is the huge red flag that is flying dangerously high.
Given what you've described, I don't think it will be all that long either so remember not to confront him alone if you notice something. Just get out.
I have lived with violent drunks and if you start needling them about their drinking they blow up and direct the anger at you. That's why all of us are so worried.
Don't assume you can control anything about another person, especially an alcoholic.
You are giving it a good shot and putting up with what I see as too much compromise to be "happy",
but remember it collapses as soon as he takes the first drink.
Past history is a good indicator of future performance.
I know this from my own experience--until I truly embraced recovery I kept relapsing. That's just how it works.
Hugs to you--
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you keep posting about how great it is when he doesn't drink, (for 6 days) what he doesn't do, how nice he is, etc, what you "allow" , "have zero tolerance" justify how he will "only go to an AA meeting with you" on his day off.
What he does NOT do, is seek help for himself, he is against you going to al anon because he does not want you "to leave him". He REFUSES to have help on his own or see that he has a problem. He is smoking pot daily which you seem to think is ok as he is calm.
you seem to have this notion that you are "saving him from himself" and you have complete control over his actions. You do seem to be justifying how you can live with this notion, you have chosen to stay with him.
I can't know your true relationship or how old you are, but there does not seem to be any mutual trust, which is a cornerstone for a healthy loving marriage. You are the sober police along with your own recovery to worry about...You claim to be anxious and depressed, how is this good for you. Emotional stress is very debilitating and wears you down, saps your vitality, happiness, physical health. This is going to show up externally soon.
try to do things for yourself that have nothing to do with your husband, take a yoga class, get some exercise, detach from him. it will do you a world of good to remove him from your head, even temporarily. best of luck.
What he does NOT do, is seek help for himself, he is against you going to al anon because he does not want you "to leave him". He REFUSES to have help on his own or see that he has a problem. He is smoking pot daily which you seem to think is ok as he is calm.
you seem to have this notion that you are "saving him from himself" and you have complete control over his actions. You do seem to be justifying how you can live with this notion, you have chosen to stay with him.
I can't know your true relationship or how old you are, but there does not seem to be any mutual trust, which is a cornerstone for a healthy loving marriage. You are the sober police along with your own recovery to worry about...You claim to be anxious and depressed, how is this good for you. Emotional stress is very debilitating and wears you down, saps your vitality, happiness, physical health. This is going to show up externally soon.
try to do things for yourself that have nothing to do with your husband, take a yoga class, get some exercise, detach from him. it will do you a world of good to remove him from your head, even temporarily. best of luck.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
From what you've posted before, he is abusive and controlling even when he's not drinking. Maybe he hasn't frightened you as much, but the elements are still there. The alcohol may lower his inhibitions somewhat, but he's still a time bomb.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex was a binge drinker at first, and I hung a lot of hope on those few days or weeks between binges. I thought it meant he was getting better, or that he had somehow changed. When I look at my journals from that time, I can see my own obsession with his behavior. He gets paid tomorrow, will he get drunk? Will it be as bad as last time? Why won't he just quit, etc, etc.
Those quiet times lulled me into a false sense of security and I think that made it worse for me when he inevitably picked back up. Of course over time the disease progressed and that time between binges dwindled to nothing. He became a daily, all day drinker. The verbal and physical rages escalated until we were effectively living in a war zone. By the time I was able to leave there was no relationship to salvage, nothing left of the man I had loved. He has ultimately become the monster that I only used to see during the worst of his drunken rampages.
Hope you are able to take care of yourself and keep the focus on your sobriety. That is a wonderful accomplishment and I have great respect for anyone who chooses to do the hard work and live in sobriety. Hugs to you and thanks for posting.
Those quiet times lulled me into a false sense of security and I think that made it worse for me when he inevitably picked back up. Of course over time the disease progressed and that time between binges dwindled to nothing. He became a daily, all day drinker. The verbal and physical rages escalated until we were effectively living in a war zone. By the time I was able to leave there was no relationship to salvage, nothing left of the man I had loved. He has ultimately become the monster that I only used to see during the worst of his drunken rampages.
Hope you are able to take care of yourself and keep the focus on your sobriety. That is a wonderful accomplishment and I have great respect for anyone who chooses to do the hard work and live in sobriety. Hugs to you and thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I admit to not knowing your personal story, but from what I read of your starting post in this thread there is something I think you might want to consider.
This is from a very old previous post of mine in another thread but fits what you are discussing....
There is a book called, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is written by a man who has spent many, many years working with men sentenced by courts to take domestic violence counseling. The author is honest, savvy and to the point. My DV counselor photocopied the first 3 chapters and gave them to me; I soon bought the whole book which is now dogeared and pencilmarked. An excellent book that I wholeheartedly recommend.
Here is a quote directly from the book that I posted a million years ago - I skimmed through my old posts because I think it would be very helpful to you at this point:
If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober. His substance abuse problems can thereby create a huge diversion from critical issues.
Alcohol does not change a person's fundamental value system. People's personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when they are sober. When you drink you may behave in ways that are silly or embarassing....but do you knock over old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store. Unlikely. People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attidudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they already have simmering below the surface."--Lundy Bancroft
This is from a very old previous post of mine in another thread but fits what you are discussing....
There is a book called, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is written by a man who has spent many, many years working with men sentenced by courts to take domestic violence counseling. The author is honest, savvy and to the point. My DV counselor photocopied the first 3 chapters and gave them to me; I soon bought the whole book which is now dogeared and pencilmarked. An excellent book that I wholeheartedly recommend.
Here is a quote directly from the book that I posted a million years ago - I skimmed through my old posts because I think it would be very helpful to you at this point:
If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober. His substance abuse problems can thereby create a huge diversion from critical issues.
Alcohol does not change a person's fundamental value system. People's personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when they are sober. When you drink you may behave in ways that are silly or embarassing....but do you knock over old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store. Unlikely. People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attidudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they already have simmering below the surface."--Lundy Bancroft
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by BadCompany 
You sober up a horse thief, all you have is a sober horse thief. Please take care of yourself.
i dont like the way people try to protray drunks and the things they do in drink like they do them sober its just not true at all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
i dont like the way people try to protray drunks and the things they do in drink like they do them sober its just not true at all
Just because you're an alcoholic doesn't mean that you're not also sick in other ways. If a person acts out in extreme ways when they're drunk it's very likely that they could behave similarly when they're sober. Also not all drunks are equally abusive either. Being drunk doesn't turn you into a different person entirely. We're not talking invasion of the body snatchers here.
My husband has never threatened to snap my neck like Justbeathe's had, rather mine has threatened more times than I can count to kill himself while he's drunk. These actions do reflect larger issues that exist with or without alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
i dont like the way people try to protray drunks and the things they do in drink like they do them sober its just not true at all
but and here is the big but, the drunk person and the sober person are one in the same, we are not talking about two different people. To excuse the unacceptable actions and words of an intoxicated person over and over again leave a very black mark on your inner soul.
but and here is the big but, the drunk person and the sober person are one in the same, we are not talking about two different people. To excuse the unacceptable actions and words of an intoxicated person over and over again leave a very black mark on your inner soul.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
