Thanksgiving visit vs expectations
 

Well, my RAH came home from rehab on a 24 hour pass. Everything was wonderful.He was pleasant with my 3 adult sons and everyone enjoyed themselves. He and I had a quiet evening at home afterword. I guess I had some unrealistic expectations. He has had no interest in making love and I attributed it to the alcohol. I guess after 7 weeks sober I expected that he would now be interested in it but although he was affectionate, it stopped at that. Maybe it's to soon for him to even think about that and I know I shouldn't have expectations but I did and now instead of being grateful for having a glimpse of him as a functional human being I find myself sad and full of doubts of myself. Why doesn't he want me that way, what's wrong with me, etc. I would welcome any comments or thoughts or experiences in this area.

maybe start here . . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...boyfriend.html

12stepwife.....while your feelings are certainly understandable...as you probably crave reassurance that the relationship is still on solid ground (and we often see sex as evidence of that).....it really is a pretty steep expectation at this point in time.

Sex requires some complex co-ordination between the Upstairs and the Downstairs (wink).

If you were to unscrew the top of his head and looked in---you would probably see a tornado inside there. It is pretty hard to get frisky in the middle of a tornado.

I would say that the fact that h e was affectionate says a lot. The other may take several months, at least.
Helpful hint: Men do not respond well if they feel pressure to perform.
Do check out Hammer's suggestion about reading that l ink......

dandylion

Yep, this is very common, no matter how well the recovery is going and no matter how much he loves you.

Keep this in mind, though, for when he comes home and you find other things he does doesn't meet your expectations, either. In fact, I'd work on keeping your expectations as low as possible. Not to say he won't recover successfully. But early sobriety (even GREAT early sobriety) is full of ups and downs for both parties. I've been on both sides and I know.

My first husband (now sober almost 35 years and still a great guy with whom I'm very good friends) drove me crazy with some of the things he did/said the first year or so. (And probably vice-versa--I probably drove him a little nuts from time to time.) It takes a while before the sober alcoholic becomes "normal"-ish.

Glad you had a nice holiday.