Who should leave?

Old 11-28-2014, 06:44 PM
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Who should leave?

The roller coaster continues. He's really getting pathetic while I'm detaching and watching him fall. I'm praying he falls on his face and finds HP's grace on the way to bring him back up. So in the meantime I'm trying to figure out what to do if I think the kids and I should be away from him for a temporary time.

I have a couple options depending on the season. Immediate option other than staying in our house - my mom lives in the in-law apartment of a condo I own (she has MS - she and I originally bought it together in the late 80's and AH and I lived in the apartment until we bought our house). My uncle had been living on the main floor for the past 10 years but passed away in August. There are two bedrooms, living room, bathroom, full kitchen. And this is solely my property - different town from where AH and I live and kids go to school. However since I also own the house with AH and that is our legal residence I could drive the kids to and from school in our town.

If I take the kids to my moms then the impact on them is probably going to be harder. However if I ask him to leave I have no idea where he would go. I'm not offering him to go to my mom's house - nope nope nope. If the plan to separate was longer termed then I would probably take the kids to my moms and leave him here. But if it's one of those just need to get the heck out of dodge for a few days should I tell him to go find a couch somewhere or should I just take the kids and leave?

Am I overthinking???
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Old 11-28-2014, 06:50 PM
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Let me add that at this time I don't have a job. I was laid off in 2008 from a very good paying management position - am looking again for similar with some good prospects. His paycheck is direct deposit and I manage all the money - but yes he does have access and spends the money.

I did recently re-establish my personal checking account and got a debit card. I also transferred title and registered one of the cars (the one I actually financed myself) in my name only. It's safe enough for us but does need some work. I am going to apply for a credit card in my own name next week.
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Old 11-28-2014, 06:57 PM
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I think if you're going to separate, you only need to think for yourself. He's an adult, he can figure out where to go.
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Old 11-28-2014, 06:59 PM
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However if I ask him to leave I have no idea where he would go.
Here is my experience.

I have asked/requested/forced my husband to leave our home when he relapsed. Each time he has left wherever he goes from there is not my problem and eveytime he always finds a hotel, apartment or sober living environment. There are lots of options for housing or temporary accommodations in a variety of price options. He just needs to go look to find something.

My husband (and yours!) is a grown man. IF I had to leave my home because I was doing something that was effecting our children in an unhealthy way then I would definitely be able to find somewhere to stay. Regardless if I was drunk out of my mind I would be able to work my phone enough to call a friend at the very least or book a hotel. It's really easy peasy.

You worry about you and your kids. Let your husband worry about himself. That's part of him taking responsibility for himself and he can't do that if you're taking responsibility for him. It's not really a consequence (this is not to be confused with punishment, you're not punishing him you're creating a better living environment for yourself and your children) if you tell him he has to leave and set up a hotel reservation for him. He needs to worry about that and do the footwork himself. And if he doesn't then that's his own choice.
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Old 11-28-2014, 07:12 PM
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You can TELL him to leave, but if he chooses not to, your only option really is to leave, yourself. I agree that since you have the kids it makes more sense for you to stay put and for him to figure something out.

You might want to talk to a lawyer if you are considering any kind of long-term separation. Depending on where you live, you might be able to file for a legal separation and get an order giving you temporary possession of the house. If he's the type would would show up at the house ("because it's my damn house, too") that would give you the legal right to change the locks and for him to be charged with trespassing if he came in without permission.

Mom's house sounds like a reasonable short-term solution for you if he refuses to leave.
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Old 11-28-2014, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
Here is my experience.

I have asked/requested/forced my husband to leave our home when he relapsed. Each time he has left wherever he goes from there is not my problem and eveytime he always finds a hotel, apartment or sober living environment. There are lots of options for housing or temporary accommodations in a variety of price options. He just needs to go look to find something.

My husband (and yours!) is a grown man. IF I had to leave my home because I was doing something that was effecting our children in an unhealthy way then I would definitely be able to find somewhere to stay. Regardless if I was drunk out of my mind I would be able to work my phone enough to call a friend at the very least or book a hotel. It's really easy peasy.

You worry about you and your kids. Let your husband worry about himself. That's part of him taking responsibility for himself and he can't do that if you're taking responsibility for him. It's not really a consequence (this is not to be confused with punishment, you're not punishing him you're creating a better living environment for yourself and your children) if you tell him he has to leave and set up a hotel reservation for him. He needs to worry about that and do the footwork himself. And if he doesn't then that's his own choice.
I honestly don't think he would want me to make the kids leave and that he would leave if I asked him. I just read another post of yours and can see that you are at a point just a little further along than I. Thanks for sharing where you are - it helps.

He has a phone, a car, a credit card and friends....ones that would actually love to see him get help.

Da#n this really sucks
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Old 11-28-2014, 07:30 PM
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I'm really sorry you're going through this. You don't need to make any decisions on anything right now. When it feels right, you'll know and the courage that you need to make healthy decisions for yourself and your kids will be there. I'm sending you hugs.
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