Shel

How do you "walk away" or ignore? I am trying hard to detach but seems like (as I said in another post) he then thinks it "okay" to stay out all night because even if he gets the slient treatment I enventually crack and things are "ok" until it happens again...trying not to indulge in a confrontation becasue I know this does no good, but I end up being the crazy one becasue then he ask WHY I won't sit with him or go out with him ....and all I am trying to do is remove myself from the situation.......and then he turns it around that I must be doing something behind his back because I don't make the first move etc......and I am angry .........

just more stressed than normal today I think, just wish I could shake him and say "wake up and look at reality!!"

I feel so all alone........which scares me because I feel like I have to "hide" from others so they won't see him this way!

Ann

Shel

You walk away or ignore by finding something else to do, for you.

He isn't likely to change anytime soon, and just staying home and giving him the silent treatment will make your life miserable.

But there are things you can do. You can go to a meeting and meet others who share your situation and will share how to rise above it and regain your life. You can go for a walk, call a friend and go for a coffee, visit a museum or park or beach and enjoy the beauty. You can do any number of things that will take you to a better place than sitting home alone.

Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave this relationship. We don't advise because it is a personal decision each person must make for themselves. But I suggest that staying hoping he will change may eat up a lot of your time and life. So let the change begin with you. Decide what you can do to make yourself happy and do it.

Hugs
Ann

Shel

Thank you ann for your kind words...and I do agree, what I am struggling with now is the thoughts of him sober....he is a good person just this diease has taken over his life....and do I really love him or do I just feel sorry for him and want to "save face" so to speak from the embarassment of yet another failed relationship!? can I really make it on my own ....my mortgage is more this time etc.........can I really do it?

Shel

I should preface this as my ex-husband is an alcoholic.......and have gone thru some of the same things with this b/f.....took me some time to figure that maybe I am in the same position.....and I don't want to admit it..I think sometimes I enjoy the chaos......otherwise WHY would I be here!?

thanks for listening!

Shel

part of that is he is always making me feel guilty for doing ANYTHING for myself or by myself .....if I don't include him I am being rude (according to him ) even though some of the things he would never do.....becasue they don't involve alcohol........then there are the times that I wish I could have a few drinks or maybe some wine with dinner and not make it an all nigh thing.....that doesn't happen with him....if it is out for a few beers he is out for the night or if at someone's house it is until the beer is gone!
sorry for rambling.......

Lorelai

Shel -
He can't "make" you feel guilty. He can't "make" you feel anything. You can learn to decide for yourself how you want to live your life.

I finally understood that it didn't matter if I gave him the silent treatment or yelled at him or whatever, he was going to drink until he wanted to stop. Once I understood this, it made my life a whole lot easier. I could start living my life for me - not spending my life trying to do whatever would change him. Step One - We are powerless.

Hugs - L

Magichappens

Shel,
I had to take the focus off the alcoholic. That meant his words, his thoughts about me, his behavior. Through practicing the Al-Anon program and working the steps, I put the focus on me. In working on me, I was able to learn to live and let live, let go and let God, keep it simple, and live one day at a time. Whenever I find myself focussed on someone else, I call someone in Al-Anon, go to a meeting, read the literature, or pray. It takes time for us to change. Don't let it frustrate you. If you keep trying to practice what Al-Anon is teaching you, it will work. Hugs, Magic

Shel

I do understand that but then how do you explain to others that what he does is his business, an dby others I am sayin gfaimly and friends......I feel like he is just taking advantage of me when I don't say anything and i feel like I am acting like everything is "ok"???

Magichappens

I don't have to explain or make excuses for anybody. If someone wants to know about someone else, I tell them to ask that person. I am not a go between. What others do isn't a reflection on me. I have found that I prefer to share things that are going on with myself and the alcoholics in my life with people in Al-Anon. My family and friends are well meaning, but they don't know or understand where I am coming from, and what I am trying to do. I depended for a very long time on what others thought of me, including who I chose to be with. Today I don't need anyones approval but my own. Hugs, Magic

luvmyfurbabies

Shel, when my ex-husband would do things like stay out all night, spend all our money on booze and dope it would drive me crazy. I focused all my energy on what "HE" did and not on me. After all these years I have realized that I only added fuel to the fire. It's what he wanted me to do so he could say "Well if you weren't such a bit** all the time, I wouldn't do those things". My current A b/f (see the trend there) is an A but a totally different personality. I now also have a different outlook on things like that. I do what I want to do. Nothing outrageous, but if I want a new pair of shoes, then I buy a new pair of shoes whether I need them or not. I do things now that make me feel good. It helps that my A b/f never complains about it but it wouldn't do any good if he did. I'm 44 years old and I am an individual with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. You don't have to answer for anyone but yourself. It took me a very long time to see that I am a good person and I deserve the little (or big) things in life that make ME happy and no one else. AND all the advice I read here has helped me a great deal. I love this place.

myselfagain

Shel,
I used to tell people "He's a big boy, he can take care of himself" Worked every time, maybe something you can use. Just a thought.

Lorelai

Shel -
The amazing thing is that, if you follow the program, you won't be "acting like everything's OK". Everything will be OK. You will find your peace and you will decide to stay with him or decide to leave him. Either way, it will be OK. It takes time but it is worth every minute.
L