OT - Am I the worst sister? Need opinions...
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OT - Am I the worst sister? Need opinions...
Sorry this is OT, but just need a few non-biased opinions as I feel like a total sh*thead of a sister...
A little background: I have been volunteering for the past 12 years or so at a facility that offers drug & alcohol recovery treatment, meals to the homeless/less fortunate, low-income housing, among a number of other social programs. (I'll call it "The Mission").
I have been volunteering in the kitchen and outreach areas during this time.
My sister has lived for the past 15 years in a city about 800 miles from where I live but whenever she has come home to visit I have tried to take her to volunteer with me for a night, just to give her some exposure as well as to spend time with her.
Fast forward and she moved back here a little over 2 years ago. She moved back because her husband left her and she was devastated and needed her family around her to offer her comfort and help her move on. She was a broken person. During this time I have had her come with me to all the social activities that I do in order for her to not feel left out or alone. Many of these are activities that I do with friends I have from this organization (my own bf of almost 5 years went through the drug & alcohol program they offered and is now employed by them). So yes, she has essentially been hanging out with MY group of friends, making very little effort to form any of her own social groups.
She has also been jobless during this entire time (over 2 years) and living with my parents (at first) and then just my mom (after my dad passed away). She has not needed to work as my mom has paid for everything for her.
But NOW my mom is pressuring her to get a job and would like her to get her own place (my sister is 39 y/o...)
So what does she do? Instead of looking at job postings and applying to multiple jobs, she has only applied to ONE job. At the Mission. MY "territory", with MY friends, and with MY bf...
Not only that but she completely lied during her initial interview. They asked her why she has been out of work for two years and she told them it was because my dad fell ill (which he did, but only AFTER she moved here for her own reasons... nothing to do with my dad... he wasn't ill at the time) and she came back to help support my mom and to help look after the family business during our time of crisis. This is a TOTAL LIE!! I have been working with my dad at his business for 10 years before he fell ill... I was the one going to work every day that my dad was in hospital and then going to visit him every night for 3 - 4 hours, while she just did nothing during the days (unless shopping counts??) and only visited my dad most nights at the same time as me (thus robbing me of the final "alone" time I could have had with my dad, we were very close). She did NOTHING to help me at the business during this most trying time... This is probably what irks me the most, that she would use my dad's illness and subsequent death as an excuse as to why she wasn't working...
So now, even though I desperately would like her to get a job, I am almost hoping that she DOES NOT get this one, so that she would be forced to apply somewhere else.. but I'm not sure this will happen since she has just been called back for a 3rd interview... but for some reason I think I really do hope she doesn't get it.
Does this make me a really crappy sister??? I feel so guilty for feeling this way but can't help feeling a little possessive of this organization.. it's been a part of MY Life for the better part of 12 years... NOT HERS.
I guess I must also feel a little resentful of the fact that she has been living on easy street for the past 2+ years, just living off my mom while I have been the one getting up every day to go to work...
Please lay into me and tell me what you think... am I a horrible sister???
Thank You,
TT
A little background: I have been volunteering for the past 12 years or so at a facility that offers drug & alcohol recovery treatment, meals to the homeless/less fortunate, low-income housing, among a number of other social programs. (I'll call it "The Mission").
I have been volunteering in the kitchen and outreach areas during this time.
My sister has lived for the past 15 years in a city about 800 miles from where I live but whenever she has come home to visit I have tried to take her to volunteer with me for a night, just to give her some exposure as well as to spend time with her.
Fast forward and she moved back here a little over 2 years ago. She moved back because her husband left her and she was devastated and needed her family around her to offer her comfort and help her move on. She was a broken person. During this time I have had her come with me to all the social activities that I do in order for her to not feel left out or alone. Many of these are activities that I do with friends I have from this organization (my own bf of almost 5 years went through the drug & alcohol program they offered and is now employed by them). So yes, she has essentially been hanging out with MY group of friends, making very little effort to form any of her own social groups.
She has also been jobless during this entire time (over 2 years) and living with my parents (at first) and then just my mom (after my dad passed away). She has not needed to work as my mom has paid for everything for her.
But NOW my mom is pressuring her to get a job and would like her to get her own place (my sister is 39 y/o...)
So what does she do? Instead of looking at job postings and applying to multiple jobs, she has only applied to ONE job. At the Mission. MY "territory", with MY friends, and with MY bf...
Not only that but she completely lied during her initial interview. They asked her why she has been out of work for two years and she told them it was because my dad fell ill (which he did, but only AFTER she moved here for her own reasons... nothing to do with my dad... he wasn't ill at the time) and she came back to help support my mom and to help look after the family business during our time of crisis. This is a TOTAL LIE!! I have been working with my dad at his business for 10 years before he fell ill... I was the one going to work every day that my dad was in hospital and then going to visit him every night for 3 - 4 hours, while she just did nothing during the days (unless shopping counts??) and only visited my dad most nights at the same time as me (thus robbing me of the final "alone" time I could have had with my dad, we were very close). She did NOTHING to help me at the business during this most trying time... This is probably what irks me the most, that she would use my dad's illness and subsequent death as an excuse as to why she wasn't working...
So now, even though I desperately would like her to get a job, I am almost hoping that she DOES NOT get this one, so that she would be forced to apply somewhere else.. but I'm not sure this will happen since she has just been called back for a 3rd interview... but for some reason I think I really do hope she doesn't get it.
Does this make me a really crappy sister??? I feel so guilty for feeling this way but can't help feeling a little possessive of this organization.. it's been a part of MY Life for the better part of 12 years... NOT HERS.
I guess I must also feel a little resentful of the fact that she has been living on easy street for the past 2+ years, just living off my mom while I have been the one getting up every day to go to work...
Please lay into me and tell me what you think... am I a horrible sister???
Thank You,
TT
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, I think you're not a horrible sister, and I get how you feel. I think I would feel irked about having her "move in on" my place of employment too.
The thing is, though, she isn't doing anything WRONG. I know the "lies" outrage you, but what are you supposed to say at a job interview? "Well, you see, my life got all screwed up so I had to take a couple years to pull myself together, and I've been living with my mom, and I really only want this job because she's kicking me out." That is TMI for a job interview. It isn't like she lied about her qualifications or about having a criminal record. This falls in the area of putting a spin on a gap in your job history. It's close enough to the truth that she isn't harming the potential employer.
The thing is, YOU included her in all of YOUR activities, so it isn't that surprising that she would like to work there.
So, though I can UNDERSTAND why you feel irked, I think that's a feeling that is more your issue than hers. I think you need to try to let go of it.
Maybe she won't get the job, maybe she won't work there for very long, but if she gets it I think you need to try to accept it. It may work out just fine.
Hugs,
The thing is, though, she isn't doing anything WRONG. I know the "lies" outrage you, but what are you supposed to say at a job interview? "Well, you see, my life got all screwed up so I had to take a couple years to pull myself together, and I've been living with my mom, and I really only want this job because she's kicking me out." That is TMI for a job interview. It isn't like she lied about her qualifications or about having a criminal record. This falls in the area of putting a spin on a gap in your job history. It's close enough to the truth that she isn't harming the potential employer.
The thing is, YOU included her in all of YOUR activities, so it isn't that surprising that she would like to work there.
So, though I can UNDERSTAND why you feel irked, I think that's a feeling that is more your issue than hers. I think you need to try to let go of it.
Maybe she won't get the job, maybe she won't work there for very long, but if she gets it I think you need to try to accept it. It may work out just fine.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
no you are NOT a horrible sister. that's your turf, you love being there, working there, and have had a lot of GOOD come for your time there. I totally get why you would not want the "sister" invasion.
but what will be, will be. and maybe.....something wonderful or at least positive will come if she does end up working there. the universe is so damn sneaky.
I remember giving you grief when you and your bf began your journey - which began AT the mission. and i'm so glad you didn't listen to me! you followed your path and you met a really good man, in a less than enviable place in his life. i'd probably still offer caution to anyone in that situation, but you've taught me that there are many outcomes and not all are bad!
wishing you a happy thanksgiving, I hope you find joy AND the wishbone!
but what will be, will be. and maybe.....something wonderful or at least positive will come if she does end up working there. the universe is so damn sneaky.
I remember giving you grief when you and your bf began your journey - which began AT the mission. and i'm so glad you didn't listen to me! you followed your path and you met a really good man, in a less than enviable place in his life. i'd probably still offer caution to anyone in that situation, but you've taught me that there are many outcomes and not all are bad!
wishing you a happy thanksgiving, I hope you find joy AND the wishbone!
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Horrible? No.
But maybe a little unrealistic to think that anyone would tell the God's honest unvarnished truth in a job interview. I mean, you can't really expect her to say she's a no good lazy loafer, with a broken past and no real friends, still leeching off of her mother.
Just think, if she gets this job she'll be one step closer to getting another job. They always say it's easier to get a job when you have one. This way she'll have local references.
Hopefully she'll hate it.
But maybe a little unrealistic to think that anyone would tell the God's honest unvarnished truth in a job interview. I mean, you can't really expect her to say she's a no good lazy loafer, with a broken past and no real friends, still leeching off of her mother.
Just think, if she gets this job she'll be one step closer to getting another job. They always say it's easier to get a job when you have one. This way she'll have local references.
Hopefully she'll hate it.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Oh, thank you guys so much! I love my sister to death and I hate that I feel this way! Sorry I'm on my phone so I can't type much tonight but I will check in again tomorrow. Anvilhead thank you so much for your kind words.
TT
TT
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Originally Posted by Tatertot 
Oh, thank you guys so much! I love my sister to death and I hate that I feel this way!
I have six brothers and sisters, and I love them all more then words can say, but I've also come to appreciate that a few hundred miles worth of separation can be a blessing. I'm sure they feel the same way.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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You're not horrible. Honestly, the real her will come out without anyone's help. Let her own that situation when it arises. Given that she is your sister, she won't be able to keep up the lie because she can't control what you say (in terms of just general talk, which is sure to conflict with her nonsense). And if your friends know both of you well enough, then they'll catch it. So don't worry, she's the DIY type when it comes to getting caught lying. Just try to make the best of the situation if she does get the job, and let things unfold naturally.
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Well, she had her 3rd interview yesterday and she says she has mixed feelings about how it went.. in any case they said they will let her know by next Monday.
Not only that but after she finished her interview, she went to my bf's department and went out for lunch with him. And not only that, but one of the guys that has recently completed the drug and alcohol program asked her to go out for coffee! And believe me around there coffee doesn't just mean coffee.. it means I really like you and I'd like to go out with you. Grrrr... My sister has definitely not had the level of exposure that I have had with guys in recovery and I don't think she will be able to handle it very well. I know this particular guy fairly well as he has felt comfortable talking to me over the past 6 -8 months (since he's been here... he's actually from a different country and only here temporarily) so I know a bit about his background. And I don't think either one of them is ready for a relationship... but I don't know how to warn my sister without her thinking that I just don't want her to date this guy... Like Anvilhead said, my situation is definitely NOT the norm... and we took it really really slow..
Sigh... sisters!
TT
Not only that but after she finished her interview, she went to my bf's department and went out for lunch with him. And not only that, but one of the guys that has recently completed the drug and alcohol program asked her to go out for coffee! And believe me around there coffee doesn't just mean coffee.. it means I really like you and I'd like to go out with you. Grrrr... My sister has definitely not had the level of exposure that I have had with guys in recovery and I don't think she will be able to handle it very well. I know this particular guy fairly well as he has felt comfortable talking to me over the past 6 -8 months (since he's been here... he's actually from a different country and only here temporarily) so I know a bit about his background. And I don't think either one of them is ready for a relationship... but I don't know how to warn my sister without her thinking that I just don't want her to date this guy... Like Anvilhead said, my situation is definitely NOT the norm... and we took it really really slow..
Sigh... sisters!
TT
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Posts: 16,633
*sigh*
Well, it wouldn't hurt for you to tell her what you know about addicts (just so she can't say you never warned her) and emphasize that it's completely her decision and that you love her and only want the best for her. Then back off.
Remember, things will work out as they are supposed to.
Well, it wouldn't hurt for you to tell her what you know about addicts (just so she can't say you never warned her) and emphasize that it's completely her decision and that you love her and only want the best for her. Then back off.
Remember, things will work out as they are supposed to.
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