I dont even know what an acceptable emotion is anymore
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
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I dont even know what an acceptable emotion is anymore
I am so confused. I have been trying really hard to make the "right" choices regarding how I approach situations. My T told me next time someone says something nice about me to just try to take it in (the same way I automatically do with negative stuff) and try to accept it. I have been doing this at work. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback at my new job and finally FINALLY at least in one aspect of my life I'm starting to think, "hey I got this. I'm a damn good nurse" but regarding the REST of my life......My family, RAH I am so confused.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I can't be anything but angry at RAH right now, but in many circles, I am being resentful. If I feel sad about where things have turned out, or hurt by how people turned out something different than I thought, I am having a "pity party". Is any feeling ok to feel? I just feel like a failure all over again because I don't know how I am supposed to react or feel and if it's right or wrong.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I can't be anything but angry at RAH right now, but in many circles, I am being resentful. If I feel sad about where things have turned out, or hurt by how people turned out something different than I thought, I am having a "pity party". Is any feeling ok to feel? I just feel like a failure all over again because I don't know how I am supposed to react or feel and if it's right or wrong.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You FEEL however you feel--there isn't any "right" or "wrong" way to feel.
Resentments are when you feel over and OVER again, replaying the exact same scenario and keeping those fires of anger fueled. Everyone gets those, but it's to our benefit to try to let go of them for our own well-being. Being angry all the time is very hard on a person.
A "pity party" is closely related to resentment (and, IMO, is might be a version of the same thing) but instead of feeling the anger over and over again, you dwell on how unfair life is and how nothing ever goes right for you, yadayada, without doing anything to change it.
I think both are related to not accepting that something happened--something unpleasant--and you can't let go of it. It takes practice to learn to do that, and no one does it great all the time.
Just FYI, some people are very quick to slap "resentment" and "self-pity" labels on someone who hasn't even had a chance to process it yet. So if someone says those things, it never hurts to run a quick check of yourself to see if that's true. If you are angry about what happened this morning, or even last week, then it probably is just anger you're feeling rather than resentment. If you are still stewing about something that happened months or years ago, then you're very possibly in resentment territory and it's a good idea to consider what you can do to release that resentment.
Incidentally, this passage from the Big Book is a favorite of many in AA:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Ed. p. 417
Resentments are when you feel over and OVER again, replaying the exact same scenario and keeping those fires of anger fueled. Everyone gets those, but it's to our benefit to try to let go of them for our own well-being. Being angry all the time is very hard on a person.
A "pity party" is closely related to resentment (and, IMO, is might be a version of the same thing) but instead of feeling the anger over and over again, you dwell on how unfair life is and how nothing ever goes right for you, yadayada, without doing anything to change it.
I think both are related to not accepting that something happened--something unpleasant--and you can't let go of it. It takes practice to learn to do that, and no one does it great all the time.
Just FYI, some people are very quick to slap "resentment" and "self-pity" labels on someone who hasn't even had a chance to process it yet. So if someone says those things, it never hurts to run a quick check of yourself to see if that's true. If you are angry about what happened this morning, or even last week, then it probably is just anger you're feeling rather than resentment. If you are still stewing about something that happened months or years ago, then you're very possibly in resentment territory and it's a good idea to consider what you can do to release that resentment.
Incidentally, this passage from the Big Book is a favorite of many in AA:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Ed. p. 417
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
I mean, I think there's a certain amount of grief going on for me. And according to the "godmother" of grief theory, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, acceptance is the last phase of the grieving process. It's just going to take me a long time to get there. It has never been "safe" for me to actually grieve for the many losses I have had.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Terp, it's great you're finally getting some positive feedback in your life through your work. Please remember you're the same person at work as you are at home, so you can take credit for the good feedback in all situations.
Sad as it seems, there's some people who you need to keep your distance from, because they don't help you through this process. By 'keep your distance' I mean you might have a relationship on a more superficial level with them, but don't confide or look for understanding from them.
I've come across people who are great company, fun, happy, but I wouldn't trust them with my emotional welfare for all the money in the world. I just take them on the fun level, but they'll never know my heart.
Who are the people who are saying you're having a 'pity party' or 'resentful'? Are they people you can detach from emotionally, quietly? Doesn't mean you have a big row, just don't expect them to understand.
I've been through major life trauma, and it does take time to process. I know it's more comfortable for people to think you're over it, but it's not that easy. Just pick who you trust with your feelings.
Sad as it seems, there's some people who you need to keep your distance from, because they don't help you through this process. By 'keep your distance' I mean you might have a relationship on a more superficial level with them, but don't confide or look for understanding from them.
I've come across people who are great company, fun, happy, but I wouldn't trust them with my emotional welfare for all the money in the world. I just take them on the fun level, but they'll never know my heart.
Who are the people who are saying you're having a 'pity party' or 'resentful'? Are they people you can detach from emotionally, quietly? Doesn't mean you have a big row, just don't expect them to understand.
I've been through major life trauma, and it does take time to process. I know it's more comfortable for people to think you're over it, but it's not that easy. Just pick who you trust with your feelings.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You FEEL however you feel--there isn't any "right" or "wrong" way to feel.
I think the fact that you're feeling at all is a really good thing. If you can try to just let the feelings be, not analyze the living carp out of them, and just let them come and pass, that's probably even better.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Ya, I'm with Lexie...there is no right or wrong "feeling"... BUT
There may be problems with the "stories" we are telling ourselves that cause those feelings. Any story that sets us up as a "victim" needs to be investigated fully and completely.
Feelings NEED to be felt and expressed safely. It is when feelings are refused that we get ourselves into trouble.
There may be problems with the "stories" we are telling ourselves that cause those feelings. Any story that sets us up as a "victim" needs to be investigated fully and completely.
Feelings NEED to be felt and expressed safely. It is when feelings are refused that we get ourselves into trouble.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I agree there is no right or wrong way to feel you feel how you feel and you try to process it and accept it. One thing I have learnt with my counsellor is that I don't know how I feel or understand how I feel at times and haven't actually processed things have have happened to me during my marriage.
I think and apologies if I am wrong This is because as partners of A's we don't think about how we feel when bad things happen. We may initially feel hurt and anger but we then react to the situation go into rescue mode of the A, make sure they're ok fix them solve their issues and when they're ok we breathe a sigh of relief and hope this period of calm lasts longer than the last and we then spend our time trying to make everything good fo them so they don't go off and drink.
I know for me I pushed my feelings and emotions down so deep to focus on him that this is why I don't understand how or why I feel the way I do.
It's good to feel and try to sit with those feelings and emotions and understand why you feel the way you do, who's voice is in your head particularly if these thoughts are negative, is it your voice? Your A's or someone else.
Understanding our feelings are difficult but you have every right to your feelings as anyone else does.
Tight hugs
I think and apologies if I am wrong This is because as partners of A's we don't think about how we feel when bad things happen. We may initially feel hurt and anger but we then react to the situation go into rescue mode of the A, make sure they're ok fix them solve their issues and when they're ok we breathe a sigh of relief and hope this period of calm lasts longer than the last and we then spend our time trying to make everything good fo them so they don't go off and drink.
I know for me I pushed my feelings and emotions down so deep to focus on him that this is why I don't understand how or why I feel the way I do.
It's good to feel and try to sit with those feelings and emotions and understand why you feel the way you do, who's voice is in your head particularly if these thoughts are negative, is it your voice? Your A's or someone else.
Understanding our feelings are difficult but you have every right to your feelings as anyone else does.
Tight hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
When you have been hurt, it is normal to feel hurt. When you have been abused, it is normal to feel anger, and often, fear. When you have been betrayed by someone you thought made a lifelong commitment to you, it is normal to feel anger, rage, dismay, regret, sadness, longing, and many more feelings.
You have, as have many of us, swallowed your feelings for a long time now, and it is normal that they are now surfacing. It is okay to feel them as intensely as they come, then let them go, until they surface again. This, for me, is part of the healing process. I come to know myself now, as I truly am, by acknowledging my feelings and understanding where they came from and why, and then, finally, at some stage, being ready to put them to rest and move on. They no longer hold me hostage, or freeze me into the past.
This process is healthy, and it takes as long as it takes. And you are entitled to take as long as you need. No feeling is right or wrong; they just are. Feelings come from somewhere, from something that happened to you, and it is good to let them percolate and gradually understand what happened that you feel the way you do. Then you begin to be freed up to choose what you want to experience, not stay stuck in the emotional harness of a bad marriage with an alcoholic.
There is no timetable except for your own. Letting the feelings come to the surface, for me, was the beginning of being free from the experiences that had led me to feel the way I did. I was understanding what I had stuffed down for so many years, frozen inside of me. Eventually, it has led to a lot of open space in my heart to respond fresh and new to what life is today and what it can be tomorrow.
Be patient, and believe in yourself. Maybe try each evening to think of 5 good things about yourself. Get a new voice in your head that builds you up, not tears you down.
My story, after over 2 years, is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html
Perhaps this is a time of Thanksgiving for all of us, that we are on the path to freedom and true expression of who we are.
ShootingStar1
You have, as have many of us, swallowed your feelings for a long time now, and it is normal that they are now surfacing. It is okay to feel them as intensely as they come, then let them go, until they surface again. This, for me, is part of the healing process. I come to know myself now, as I truly am, by acknowledging my feelings and understanding where they came from and why, and then, finally, at some stage, being ready to put them to rest and move on. They no longer hold me hostage, or freeze me into the past.
This process is healthy, and it takes as long as it takes. And you are entitled to take as long as you need. No feeling is right or wrong; they just are. Feelings come from somewhere, from something that happened to you, and it is good to let them percolate and gradually understand what happened that you feel the way you do. Then you begin to be freed up to choose what you want to experience, not stay stuck in the emotional harness of a bad marriage with an alcoholic.
There is no timetable except for your own. Letting the feelings come to the surface, for me, was the beginning of being free from the experiences that had led me to feel the way I did. I was understanding what I had stuffed down for so many years, frozen inside of me. Eventually, it has led to a lot of open space in my heart to respond fresh and new to what life is today and what it can be tomorrow.
Be patient, and believe in yourself. Maybe try each evening to think of 5 good things about yourself. Get a new voice in your head that builds you up, not tears you down.
My story, after over 2 years, is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html
Perhaps this is a time of Thanksgiving for all of us, that we are on the path to freedom and true expression of who we are.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's a process my friend. Keep working on you. Eventually those resentments and anger will fade because you will be in a better place to let that happen. It happens with recovery work and time.
Tight hugs, you are doing great! Congrats on all the positive feedback at work, that is always nice to hear!
XXX
Tight hugs, you are doing great! Congrats on all the positive feedback at work, that is always nice to hear!
XXX
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
This is because as partners of A's we don't think about how we feel when bad things happen.
But if I may..as an "A" myself, alcoholics have no understanding of their feelings either. Uncomfortable emotion? Any emotion? Have a drink.
It is only sobriety that I am actually starting to "identify" an emotion..and oh my, I have LOTS of them now. They come thick and fast in a 24/7 stream of consciousness.
For any of us raised in the sort of environment that has only contempt for emotion (quit crying, quit whining, cut it out, smarten up..I'll give you something to cry about)..
Ya..we don't have a clue how to identify an emotion..let alone endure one.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Sometimes we just have to sit with the feelings that we have, feel them, process them, and analyze them. Pushing them down as unacceptable is a temporary (non)solution.
When I was in full codependent mode (ie., married to an alcoholic), I didn't think I was entitled to feelings. I was too busy trying to protect my kids and get through each day.
I discovered that I was hugely resentful that I wasn't allowed to have feelings and on top of that, I was not being properly recognized by husband and children for this bit of selfless martyrdom. Of course, I did it to myself - I was the only person saying I had to stuff down my feelings for the greater good. It was a long process to let them bubble up and then deal with what it meant to acknowledge my anger. It's a scary process as for me, allowing myself to analyze my feelings and recognize their validity was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Is it possible that you are worried about what a full examination of your feelings might lead to?
When I was in full codependent mode (ie., married to an alcoholic), I didn't think I was entitled to feelings. I was too busy trying to protect my kids and get through each day.
I discovered that I was hugely resentful that I wasn't allowed to have feelings and on top of that, I was not being properly recognized by husband and children for this bit of selfless martyrdom. Of course, I did it to myself - I was the only person saying I had to stuff down my feelings for the greater good. It was a long process to let them bubble up and then deal with what it meant to acknowledge my anger. It's a scary process as for me, allowing myself to analyze my feelings and recognize their validity was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Is it possible that you are worried about what a full examination of your feelings might lead to?
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