unease7

This happened several years ago, but I have never talked about it to anyone AH confessed to being offered and accepting oral from another man at work (his supervisor who is known for this type of behavior and is also married) also answered when I ask that yes he did orgasm and even though I did not ask (due to shock that I was in at the time) I' am
fairly positive no condom was used and in between the time that this happened and my being told (several weeks) AH and I had sex several times which means that not only was he putting his health at risk but also mine. After being told this he acted like everything was fine the next day and I seemed to follow along with this maybe more so out of confusion and shock and it seemed unbelievable and of course he blamed this on drinking the night before and said he was still a little tipsy the following morning at work and there for not fully responsible for his actions. Oh, and "if it would have been a woman it never would have happened I promise" yes he actually said that, he also said this was not cheating not the same thing and when following this person into a private restroom it wasn't until the man got down on his knees that he believed he was serious up until then he had thought he was just joking. He also said he felt sick and disgusted the rest of the day and that nothing else happened and never would.
As I typed this I am so disgusted and angry my hands are shaking I just don't know what else to say I just needed to tell this to someone and be able to talk about it because of this I don't ever feel like there is anything he wouldn't do and I need to deal with all of my emotions the hurt and anger the total shock and confusion and this was also the first time he ever blamed or tried to blame anything on drinking which I don't believe for one second that being a little tipsy had anything to do with this. He made a choice and he wasn't thinking about ever having to tell me this, he wasn't thinking about me at all. My theory is that his me, me, me, ego was so flattered by this offer that another man not a woman but a man that he is so irresistible that another man was actually offering or begging him for the chance to do this. Since the drinking all began, I have seen such an arrogant cocky side of him very narcissistic in every way. I just needed to talk about this and I would appreciate any feed back from you guys, Thank You

biminiblue

This is cheating.

To me, cheating was a dealbreaker. Some people can get past it, I am not one of them.

I'm very sorry you've felt you needed to keep quiet about this and never shared it with anyone. It doesn't matter whether he was drinking or hung over or if it was a man or a woman, to me.

There are a lot of scary parts to your husband. Have you thought about counseling for yourself?

lillamy

If you really want to know what I think, I think that this man is jerking you around, screwing with your emotions, giving you bits and pieces of stories that may or may not be true, all in order to push you off-balance enough that you never have an opportunity to gather the strength to realize he's doing it to control you.

That's what I think. Because that's behavior I recognize from the man I was married to.

It's an insidious form of abuse, because you can't look at the bruises the next day and say "look what he did to me!" -- instead, you question "did it really happen? did I overreact? should I react more?" and you end up questioning yourself and your own sanity instead of realizing "this man is a full-blooded jerk and I want nothing more to do with him."

It took me 20 years to get to "I want nothing more to do with him" and I'm still very much in the healing process. Just so you know -- I'm not judging you. I am, however, judging HIM. What he's doing is abuse.

dandylion

unease7.....it would be easier to respond to your post if you could be more specific in what you are asking?

How can we help you?

dandylion

Thumper

I'm sorry unease.

I'm glad you were able to get this off your chest. It is hard to keep things like that secret. I trust you'll get a lot of support. This is outside my realm of experience so I do not have a share. I just wanted to let you know that you were not alone and I'm glad you have a safe place to process it.

I second biminiblue's suggestion of counseling.

Hangnbyathread

First of all. Don't take this the wrong way. But regardless of what he said happened, his excuse will be, but it happened back in the past and therefore today is a new day. You will never be able to prove what did or didn't happen. So your next decision needs to be how much does this matter to you now? And I am not telling you what the right answer is for you.

I learned my AGF was cheating on me for YEARS but that it stopped YEARS ago. Maybe it has maybe it hasn't, there really isn't much you can do about what did or did not happen years ago you can only be concerned about what is happening now. I can forgive but I can't forget. And I know exactly what happened back then and if I see the pattern get repeated, all of my armor is in place.

The last thing you need to do is worry about years ago now. Rather what are his actions like today? Do you feel he can be trusted now by today's actions? Does he repeat the patterns that allowed for that to happen years ago still? Alcohol is the cover for a lot of things that when sober they feel horrible about doing. I can tell you for certain that my AGF feels horrible when she hears of the things she did when drunk. She has to live with that more than I do. That by itself can be a great motivator for change for them.

Hopefully he makes amends and SHOW YOU that he is different now. If not, you have every right to tell him that you still have trust issues with him and therefore you are going to protect yourself from emotional harm. He will argue, curse, deny, etc etc etc. You have a right to communicate that you have trust issues and whether or not this is going to be forgiven or not depends on his actions now and going forward.

To me it makes no difference the gender it took place with. That is just a smoke screen to take the focus off the drinking. Its about the fact that alcohol takes them to places they normally would never go to under any rational circumstance.

And no matter what he tells you, you are not the reason it happened.

For me I have said that I can never care about if she cheats on me or not now. That path has been walked. It no longer has a value to hurt me again. That takes the power away from it for them. If they cheat or not no longer matters to me. Until such time as they have committed by action that they no longer have the desire to do it or the desire of the alcohol to fuel it, they will remain a cheater to me.

Be at peace that you cannot undo anything nor can you control what he does tomorrow or next year.

unease7

dandylion.....thanks but not really asking anything just wanting to get it off my chest

dandylion

unease do you know how you feel about this? Can you describe how you feel?

dandylion

shil2587

I just wanted to say that I understand. I recently discovered that my RABF was almost certainly seeing prostitutes when we started dating. Like you, I am still struggling with how to handle it as he denies it was me that was the girlfriend referred to in what I found.

However, neither you nor I need to decide what to do or how we feel right now. It's a big shock and it's complicated by the fact we love them and know they love us.

So, for now it's OK not to know what you feel or whether it's a deal breaker. I would suggest though that counseling might be a good idea to help you work through it. Well done for talking about it here, it's the first step in processing it. When did you find out this happened?

For me, I think I decided that as long as there was any doubt if it happened while with me and I was certain he loved me and I him, I would stay. But if I was ever to find out anything happened again, I would leave.

Kboys

Oh unease, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that. That is such a hard thing... whether it was a man or a woman, it was still cheating, and that hurts like nothing else!

I too, am dealing with my emotions from AH cheating, and it sucks. I kind of will forget about it for a while and things start to feel good with AH again, and then I have to see the woman he cheated with, or something else will trigger me and I start to feel so much anger and confusion and I just don't know what to do with it sometimes.

"because of this I don't ever feel like there is anything he wouldn't do "
I definitely relate to this. It makes you question everything. What else is there that I don't know about? And that feels awful.

It's good that you were able to share about it here, and get it off your chest. I hope that has helped you some.
HUGS

Eauchiche

I believe that no man would engage in behavior like that unless he is bisexual and/or a porn addict.

I believe he can recover from porn addiction too if that is the issue.

unease7

dandylion , I feel like he was able to take all those years 17 at the time that we had been married, all of our memories , Christmases together, watching our daughters being born he was able to take all of that and throw it away! for me I feel like he threw it ALL away you cant have it both ways. For a couple of minutes of curiosity and obviously to him "pleasure" it scares me that he could do that, he was the person who I thought I could trust to never hurt me. I don't understand how you can love truly love someone and do something so hurtful like this. I feel like he took something so special and private something that was just ours nobody else's something that was very personal to me because in the 4years of dating and 17years of marriage I was the only person to do this and I felt like it was something so personal and private special between the two of us and he just hand it out like it was no more special than dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

Hangnbyathread

Your pain is real. Your feelings are real. But you need to learn that an AC doesn't share the same reality and values normal people do. AC is a selfish. heartless, cruel, moral derelict. You may never get over this pain, but you can hope that the AC recovers and sees the damage done and tries to make amends that work for you. But its OK if you never can get over this and its OK if you can only find peace in your life when the AC isn't in it. This where you do have the higher power over this.

LexieCat

Hi, unease,

I just read through some of your previous threads. This man seems bound and determined to break you.

Is there a reason you don't feel you can leave? Get some space so you can get yourself together?

And even if he doesn't hit you he sounds extremely abusive. Can you call the DV hotline and talk to someone about what's going on? They might be able to help you get some local support that would help you get stronger.

Hugs,

jarp

Unease I just wanted to acknowledge your feelings and your pain.

I also recently discoered that my AH cheated on me in a 'one night stand'. It hurts, it makes you question everything, it makes you feel like everything you had was in fact, nothing.

I am so sorry you are having these feelings - they are valid and you have every right to every emotion you have about this.

It's intensely personal as to what you DO with this information, whether the two of you can work to get through it, or whether it is infact unforgiveable.

I've decided to at least give my AH and I a chance to try to work trhough it. I dont know if we will or not, but I am willing to take myself through the process. The major reason for this is that in my thread about my situation - a coupl eof members talked about the what power forgiveness had for them, and how it changed then for the better (even though the relationships didnt work out). SO I want to do this for ME, not for AH and not necessarily for our relationship.

What has helped me do this is that my AH is in recovery, is demonstrating huge committed to his recovery (actions not words). He also says he is prepared to do whatever it takes to make this right...and has been having intense counselling with me every second day. He's let me cry, rage, scream...and made no excuses.

The minute he relapses we are done. Because I cant go through living with an active addict anymore, and I do believe (I know others here do not) that his cheating was connected to his active addiction. Relapse, I'm gone, I'm not risking that again.

Best wishes...its hard, bloody hard.

Stung

I just want to send you hugs and tell you that I'm sorry that you're going through this.