meggem

So there is a feeling I used to have....twisted, stomach turned.. distracted, nervous, anxious... That started to go away after I got the Order of Protection in August... slowly... but all of these feelings are coming back. It is making me aware that it has been some time since I have felt them.

This is why.

The kids have become his new way to over-communicate with me.

OVER communicate.

last week, I sent him a fancy email telling him to cease and decist or I was enforcing the order.

Coincedentally - not more than 24 hours later he suddenly needs a bunch of questions answered about the kids, because he may have a job op in GA (which I think is absolute BS) I did my best to answer the questions point blank, but he kept taking the conversation and turning it personal (if I had a future here, I wouldn't even consider leaving.. I can't stay here and my tortured by the loss) blah blah

He even went as far to say that *I* could also to visit him as well (???)

We had a conversation about the holidays and the kids and of course he was a total jerk but then what did I get this morning at 6 am?

a 4 paragraph apology - love - miss you - hard for me - feelings raw - if I wasn't drinking we wouldn't be here - blah blah blah.

Now i get another email inquiring about an outstanding bill we have together.

I don't know what to do, but I do know, I am anxious, uncomfortable, twisted, and pre-occupied. I am not at peace.

I feel held hostage. I feel like he is at every corner, behind every door.

And as I write this - I just got an email asking if I need any help financially- If I am in trouble and that he would do his best to help me but it has to be legitimate - he isn't going to pay for tanning or nails (??) Last night when we were talking about xmas and the kids he said I f-d him with child support, I f-ed him with the holidays - I f-ed him out of vacation days from work because I had to take him to court.

I don't know what to do, because this is all tucked around the kids...

I emailed and said if he didn't stop I would enforce.

I feel..... scared. I feel like he's stalking me like he is obsessed with me but I don't know if I'm being dramatic.

Dojang

It sounds like he's testing you to see if you will enforce the order. I work in the DV field & this is very common. I have seen Protective Orders get dismissed because the protected party would respond & engage in conversations outside of the children (most PO's allow communication in regards to the children only, which I am assuming your says). Please be very careful. If you don't enforce the order, he may be able to have it dismissed.

LexieCat

You are NOT being dramatic, he is violating the order.

Remember what I said about needing to follow through with a report after you said you would do that if he continued what he was doing?

Call the police. This isn't about the kids, this is about his continuing to play games with the order. It doesn't become "necessary communication about the children" just because he mentions them. All that extraneous stuff is a VIOLATION.

freetosmile

Sounds like he is trying to butter you up big time. My A likes to do that after he relapses or has been abusive. From what I understand that is classic A AND abusive behavior. My A will ask me strange questions...i think just to try to feel out my mood.

meggem

Well what do I say?? I've never done this before -

Hi, this is Meg, I have a PFA and over the last few weeks due to DD's illnesses and communication regarding their health - he has started to....what words do I use?

unwanted affection, asking if I need anything, if I need money - emails and texts of apologies and inviting me to relocate with him -

I just don't know what the right words are...

Even last night when we were discussing xmas - "why do you hate me" - "i know you were cheating on me" - "we aren't divorced yet, so whoever you are with it's considered infidelity..."

I kept trying to drive the topic back in.

His behavior is extremely erratic. I'm just not sure how to put it in words when I call the police - because I am.

I hate the way I am feeling - I'm half a wreck..

hopeful4

Print them off and hand them over. Not much you will have to say. He is violating an order, simple as that.

Stay strong.

meggem

I am wondering if they are going to arrest him. Or if they will just tell him to knock it off since this is the first time.

I need his child support.

I know that probably sounds terrible. Management leaves at 3:30 and I plan to call.

But I have feelings about it.

LexieCat

What you say is that you have a PFA that permits communication only concerning the children. He is communicating about other things, and you would like to file a complaint for the violation.

That's all you need to say. An officer will get the details, and probably ask for copies of any messages, emails, or texts that you have. That's pretty much it.

You will receive notification of the court date. He will ARGUE that your actions somehow justified his, but they don't. I also suggest you call a DV advocate for support, if you need reassurance that this is a violation.

You don't have to go into "unwanted affection" etc., ANYTHING that does not pertain SPECIFICALLY to the children is a violation, period.

LexieCat

I believe arrest is mandatory. For this kind of violation he will not get a high bail, and may even be released on his own recognizance, with the condition that he not contact you.

Trust me, unless he has other outstanding warrants he will not be in jail for long, and may never even be admitted to the jail. Minor violations are usually not sentenced severely. Of course, if he keeps on with it, the punishments do get more severe. The idea is to deter him.

meggem

I don't know if I can do this.

I can.. I'm sure i have been through worse in the last few months but I was just starting to feel like a functional citizen of society and now i feel like everything is going to overturned again.

LexieCat

That's why I suggested calling an advocate and talking it through, first.

I know it's a burden on you, but many of the things we MUST do for ourselves are. This situation will get worse, not better, unless you stop it. NOW.

Look how in knots those communications put you. You are stressed out already, but you can do something to stop it.

Santa

Right now you're just waving the PO in the air saying don't make me use this. He's starting to figure out that you aren't serious. The effort to go to court and get the PO was all for nothing if you only got it to serve as an idle threat.

I know the twisted gut feeling well as my ex would pop out of the woodwork with a text or call at any random time. Use the order the way it was meant to be used.

meggem

I guess I should try to call the hotline. I wish there was some other way. I really do. I'm not going to lie. But I refuse to sit here and feel like this. I have come too far and I have been through too much to stop now.

But....

All of my tears and anguish will not be in vain, and I almost feel like not reporting this is a complete insult to myself, my kids, and my friends and family who have been supporting me and have also been affected by this whole thing.

I didn't think I would have this problem after the pfa was issued. I honestly thought I was free for at least 18 months...

I didn't think he would have the courage to "violate" I thought he would be too petrified...

9111111

Meggem, I know the feeling when you believe that things can't get worse, and yet they keep pushing and trying to get the hook back in.
You have more power than you think. You can say ENOUGH. Please talk to the hotline and follow Lexie's advise. There are people out there who can help you to put ENOUGH into action.

LexieCat

meg, he's not "petrified"--these guys think they are untouchable. They feel ENTITLED to act the way they do.

We all have your back here. You can do this. My own suggestion would be calling and talking with an advocate at your local shelter, or better yet, at the DA's office DV or Victim/Witness unit. One of those people can actually go to court with you and support you through this. You don't have to do it alone.

marie1960

sounds to me like someone was drunk last night, and in typical over the top behavior, had to get as many jabs in as humanly possible.

AND then......

This morning here comes Mr. Nice Guy to the rescue, " Oh I'll help you with Christmas" ( shaking head)

Jeykel and Hyde

Only you can choose to stop reading that crap, and if it means reporting his actions, so be it.

You deserve Peace, friend.

Stay strong.

FireSprite

((((HUGS)))) Meg, PLEASE don't take this personally - I don't know what ups & downs you've been through in this process - this is really just sharing from the POV of how I saw this happening with my sister.

When my sister had issues with her Ex's and would file for a PFA & then not honor it, it used to infuriate me. There was a bit of "the boy who cried wolf" in it, IMO. It started to feel like SHE was abusing the system by begging for relief & then thumbing her nose at the protection it offered... and eventually, every. single. time. he would get wise to her loose boundaries & she would slowly, so slowly, allow those boundaries to fold one by one. I told her to stop expecting the system to help her more than she was willing to help herself.

I'm sure the PFA scared your AH at first but I doubt he's intimidated by it any longer at this point. Take your time, think this through, call anyone who can help you sort it out (like the DV counselor as suggested) and remember that YOU have all the power here!

hopeful4

Meg, regardless of what you decide, you don't have to participate in his crap. If you answer questions about the kids only in very short answers and do not even acknowledge anything else, I am guess he will stop that crap.

I personally would still call, this is a direct violation.

biminiblue

I don't have specific advice about the protection order. I just think you need a go-between. It would be worth it to me to only communicate through an attorney.

The fact that it would cost him $$$ would stop the constant communications and the attorney would definitely put a stop to this crap.

meggem

No Fire I don't take it personally at ALL. Thanks for sharing that with me.

That isn't me. I refuse for that to be me. I could be that person - It sure would be a lot easier like Santa said- to wave it around saying "look what I can do" but not really do anything about it.

And you are right, he was afraid of it at first. It was very quiet. He's not anymore, not really, he's much less intimidated.

I'm calling in about an hour. And whatever it is, it is.