Butterfly

So guess what AH was very late for picking DS up for school today, he slept in apparently!! Anyway as my DS was going to bed he said mum I'm gonna get up a bit earlier tomorrow just in case dad doesn't arrive or he's late again. So we discussed him getting up in the morning and ready as if he was getting the bus and if dad arrived then grand but if not he had time to get the bus and there would be no panic!!!

This was suggested to me in another post but I didn't want to bring it up as I'm worried the kids would think I'm influencing them but when DS brought it up I thought it was a good time to suggest it.

Very proud of DS to making a good decision and for himself.

LexieCat

There's nothing wrong with "influencing" your kids to make smart decisions that reduce the stress on them.

Good for him!

Butterfly

No I know there's not but I don't always want to keep bringing up their dad and his drinking. My plan was to see how this week goes and if there were more late mornings and texts in the middle of the night saying he wasn't coming then I would speak to him.

I did speak to him about staying overnight at his dad's as he isn't keen but I think he feels guilty or has a responsibility to him particularly after the text he sent the day he was suspended from work about how he loved him and always wanted him to remember that even if he de died he wanted nothing more to do with him like his sister!!

DS stayed overnight one night last week, saying I've been putting it off for ages so il have to do it. AH had asked him to stay last night but DS didnt want to and was going to lie to him. I told him to tell him the truth or if he wanted I'd tell him. He told him he wasn't staying but AH asked him to stay tomorrow night. DS doesnt really want to he said to me il see how I feel. I spoke to him about his comment the previous week and told him he didn't have to stay overnight if he didn't want to, he doesn't have to tell his dad he will stay overnight when he doesn't want to but on the other hand if he wants to that's grand too that he has to make decisions based on what he wants not what he thinks his father and I want.

We will see what he decides and I will support him but he is such a kind young man I would hate to think he was doing something he didn't want to do or not doing something he wanted to do because of worry as to how AH and I would feel.

FireSprite

How did it go today Butterfly?

FWIW - it doesn't have to be framed about dad at all - talking to DS about HIS choices & HIS responsibilities doesn't have to include dad & his choices at all.

"DS - you seem to be having issues getting to school on time - what can YOU do to change that?" Wording it like this helps him to see his part in all of this, that the responsibility of getting to school on time is up to HIM, not dad. It might help him to think of himself more independently overall. (just like when you encouraged him to be truthful with dad)

Thumper

What a great son you have Butterfly. And you are a wonderful and kind mom.

Butterfly

Well as you know we discussed it last night and he brought it up about school and that his dad isn't always reliable. So this morning we got up earlier so he would be ready to get the bus if need be. He texted his dad as soon as he got up and when he came down from his shower was able to say his dad was collecting him. We knew as he had replied early then he was up and about so no issue today but prepared just in case.

DS decided to stay at his dad's as he had told him he would. I told him that's grand but if this was something he didn't want to keep doing to be honest and don't feel he has to do anything he doesn't want to do I told him to have a nice night with his dad and any issues to ring and I'd come and get him.

Tomorrow night is parent teacher night at DS school and I have asked DS to say to his dad, about the 3rd time I've asked him to remind him and he keeps saying he's forgot. I don't know whether to remind AH or leave it be. I don't want to be spiteful and not tell him but at the same time I'm thinking well it's the same time every year and surely like me it's his responsibility to find out when these things are and although he doesn't want contact with me that shouldn't stop him from attending these things because I will be there. I know there is a possibility he will turn up but it won't stop me from attending.

Am I being selfish by not telling him?
Has DS not told him because he doesn't want him to go or
Does he not want both of us there together as we wouldon't be seeing the teachers together and could he feel embarrassed by this

I know I should have spoken to him about this but these thoughts have only came to my mind

Butterfly

Thank you thumper, I do have great kids and am very proud of both of them

LexieCat

You're not in charge of your husband's schedule, and neither is your son. I think reminding him just puts you back in the role of being responsible for what he does/doesn't do. It won't harm your son if he doesn't show up. Even if your son WANTED him there, it just isn't your job. He's capable of communicating with the school, and can request that he be sent notifications of events like these. If he chooses not to, not your job to do it for him.

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie wasn't sure if I was being selfish or petty in my thinking but as I said I know what is going on for DS when the meetings are etc so why shouldn't he make the same effort!

Your right it's not my responsibility and i was thinking earlier if I tell him about the meeting and he doesn't show and I update him after the meeting then I'm doing things for him that he should be doing. Just like I always did! If he wants to know how DS is doing in school then it's up to him.

Thanks

Butterfly

He didn't turn up for DS parent teacher meeting told DS he couldn't go as he didn't have any leave to take!!

I was so angry when DS told me I immediately said of course he could have taken time off before I realised I shouldn't have said anything!

So angry with him it was an hour he could have made the effort but don't know why I'm surprised I can't remember the last one he went to when he was at home!! Really starting to see why having no expectations are better

hopeful4

I give the schedule of events (via text or email) to my X. He can choose to come, or not. I plan for him never to be there, if he is, it's a surprise. My kids have learned (by his actions, not my comments), to do the same.

I will say, since we are divorced, he attends a lot more events than he did before when we were married. I am glad, but I expect...absolutely nothing.

SeriousKarma

You know Butterfly, I was thinking about this recently... It's kind of a burden for my daughter to have to live with me right now. I'm divorcing the man I've been married to for over 20 years. His choices baffle me, and sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut when talking to her. Try as I might. So sue me. I'm not Jesus Christ.

I think it's already a given the poor girl's going to need therapy for the rest of her life. I'm just giving her more to talk about.

But seriously, Butterfly, It's hard to always take the high road. I know I fail more than I'd like to admit.

Hopefully this will get easier for the both of us.

Butterfly

I know serious sometimes things are out of my mouth then I think seriously butterfly why did you say that!!!

I am sure it's a nightmare for my kids also living with me they will probably need counselling just to deal with what I've put them through!!

Things will get easier serious we have to believe that.

SeriousKarma

Naw, I doubt it's a nightmare!

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but Alanon has been a huge help to my daughter. Both in her dealings with her father and probably her dealings with me as well. (In fact, even though we have the same home group, we rarely go to the meetings on the same days. That way she can talk more freely. Even about me if she wants.)

I can't remember Butterfly, have you looked into anything like Alanon/alateen for your son? It can be a great release valve, and way for them to get a handle on all that they're going through.

BTW- You're right to be proud of him. He sounds like a great kid.

Butterfly

I have looked into it for my kids but they do not want to go. I Know people due to my line of work who works with young people with parents of A, those I would have have good relationships with Have offered to talk to them but they won't. The offer will always be there and they can access support as & when.

My son understands addiction it's amazing what they learn in school now and he has obviously done his own research.

Dd struggles with accepting her dad is an A. I kept a lot from them they have no memory of how bad things were when they were younger as they got older they didn't see him binging/ know about him disappearing in the middle of the night and not coming home as I covered always told lies as to where he was. They would have seen him having a few beers but it was always once we all went to bed that he drank until he blacked out.

One of my boundaries was that if he continued to drink the next day it would not be in the home. As his drinking progressed again DD saw him when he came home she thought he was struggling with his uncle dying and that was why he was drinking more. I'm not sure if they blocked it out or just didn't know what was going on as it was all so secret.

I don't lie for him anymore and they are only now starting to see his addiction.

I had to bite my tongue today. DS told me his dad wasnt coming to collect him, he was going into work late. So he's able to take time off to go into work late but not for DS parent teacher meeting. I have had to remind myself today, it's his relationship with DS not mine, his responsibility, not mine!!

Thumper

Aww Butterfly. This thread really takes me back. I remember so clearly how difficult it was creating a new 'normal' and the transition to staying out of the relationship between my ex and the boys. You are doing great! It might not feel like you are moving quickly - but you are. Someone here (and I can't remember who - sorry) reminded me to be aware that when we move so quickly through some of the real life steps that we go through it can carry us on a wave forward, which is good, but it can end in a crash of depression - which did happen. I am kind of prone to it anyway I think. I had counseling during the transition (which was invaluable) but I quit after I moved due to the travel time so did not have it later on and looking back, I could have really used it.

I've tried my kids in counseling off/on and the counselor has reported that it just wasn't productive beyond the immediate issue I wanted addressed - that the kids don't talk not even after months so I am not doing anything for them now. I'm sure the entire ordeal (the drinking, the divorce, the abandonment, my craziness) was so traumatizing but I'm not sure what to do for them.

I just have to share one more thing - in the beginning when I was still trying to make sure he showed up for things like concerts or games etc. - well he actually did come to a two or three. It was HORRIBLE for all of us. He smelled of alcohol and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I stopped feeling frustrated that he didn't show (and like you he didn't show when we were together either) and started hoping he wouldn't! In time I wouldn't say things are easy when we are together but they are not like that anymore! Giving it time and letting it work on its own was definitely better.

Happy Thanksgiving - hope you have a good day.

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, you've come a long way. You bit your tongue about the late pick-ups, and sure enough your some worked it out for himself.

I agree with other posters that once your AH is aware of an event, he can schedule it without help or reminders from you. DS & DD will pick up very quickly that you are not responsible for running his schedule, and will place any blame squarely where it belongs.

Detach, detach, detach!

How are you anyway?

SeriousKarma

My daughter has never seen my STBXAH with a drink in his hand. Isn't that a hoot? She's seen him drunk, but his drinking has taken place either away from the house, or hidden away in other rooms. I could have easily kept his charade up for ever. She would have grown up, moved out, started her own family and never known why her childhood was so disjointed and dysfunctional.

I thought my situation was odd, but now I'm seeing how common it is.

Yurt

My STBXAH has also been attending all of our DD's events since I left. At this point in her senior year, he has attended more concerts, performances, and conferences than he ever did during the previous 3 years. Part of me believes that he is doing this to show the world what a great dad he is, but I have to let that feeling go and be grateful that he is finally making the effort. At least we are able to attend these events together without the drama that we used to engage in.

WMJ1012

You were there to support your son's mature decision.
Very nice.