myselfagain

The last 6- 7 years of my 20 years marriage has been unbearable. He has always drank but not to the extent of the last several years.He went from a few drinks each evening to 1/2 a liiter or so every night. I tried talking to him too many times about his drinking. The kids tried talking to him also. No amount of talking got thorough to him, so we quit. I realized that he was not going to stop until his choose to. I deteached completely. Just kind of co- existed with him. If you were looking in you would see the perfect family. If you were one in the family, other than him, you saw the truth. He was not mean unless you went downstairs when he was in full swing of drinking and he did not want to be bothered. Then he would yell and scream at you until you just went back upstairs. So i detached myself from him. I mourned the loss of my husband.Cried in my bed alone night after night. I decided that I would divorce him when I could not stay any longer. I made a life for me and my kids, if he helped o.k. if he didnt that was o.k. too. I was used to ding all the housework, cooking, yardwork, taking kids here and there. Etc, etc, ect. That time came and I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day and has been sober for almost a year. I still wanted a divorce, I no longer love him. I barely like him anymore. Of couse it is all my fault in his eyes. I am still going through with the divorce.
Are there more of ya'll out there in my shoes or close????????
Seems that other folks are putting out the spouses when they are still drinking.

best

I wasn't put out. I left on my own. I was sober for many years at the time as well.
Was a dry drunk though. Detatched from family as they had learned to detatch from me long before that.
Thing is though... out on my own I found the cure that was needed.

Sober, changed/reformed, and then accepted back. Worked my way back into the trust and love of the whole family.
Would I have taken me back? At the time...NO WAY
I have seen the bottom of the pit and I don't ever want to go back there.
I have seen the pain I caused others and even more so... I don't ever want to see that pain ever again.

Reformed, repentive, changed.... still not perfect though.
But judging from the family's responses ... The changes have been good enough that they accept me. I still think there is more to be changed in me though.

Your choices will corrrect themselves if his choices for change are enough to do the correcting.
Best 4 years of all 29 have been the past 4.
If the changes happen to a degree that they did in me.... You will know and you would know what to do at that time as well.

For now I would say pray about things and do as you feel lead to do.

I will sign this as.... a reformed jerk that deserved anything that was coming and due him.... but by the Grace of God and the forgiveness of others my sentance was stayed.

chess

Thank you both for sharing.

dax

I think alcoholics don't have a clue to the damanage they do while drinking. Hey they were stoned the whole time. Then they wake up onew day , get sober and say'I'm sorry " and think that is all that is needed to undo years of abuse. I see a family here that got mentally heathy and detached. Don't let hin mis place any blame. With his blaming attitued I think you are doing the right thing. This is just my opinion. I stayed with my alcoholic when he got sober. There were good times but also devestating ones. dax

Yreva

Myselfagain-
You have to do what is right and healthy for you and the kids...you matter too. How many years did he treat you so wrong...it is okay that you lost the love you have for him. Most would. Don't feel guilty that you are putting him out even tho' he is sober...that doesn't fix all that has gone on. If you wanted to him to stay it is a LONG road to work out, but there are no rules. You do what you need to not regret the decisions you have made. Love yourself and live for the day! I feel for you. Keep coming back here---it helps.
Di

laurylady

Myself again,
it really sounds like you have put in the years with your husband, marriage isn't supposed to be that way. My husband also gets mean and has done mean things when drinking, so much, that I have almost totally detached from him. After an incident, I think for days and days, or even longer, if I should just ask for a divorce, but I am still not ready. I feel like I don't like him most of the time, he is doing just enough to keep me going, I also feel like you in that we are just co-existing in our house. There is no romance or big love affair going on. We are just raising the kids. It seems like our marriage is something built for him, for his convenience and I am just part of it that he needs in order to keep up his habits. He told me that he won't quit drinking and he knows that he gets mean and abusive when he drinks. Yet he still chooses to drink. He doesn't want to split up, yet he complains that I don't do anything make him happy. I have quit doing things just to please him, now he thinks that is a sign that I don't love him. I have been such a robot under his control for so long. I am starting to change myself, that is all I can do.

I hope your decisions give you the freedom to be yourself again, you can do something to change your life and you are brave enough to take charge of your life again and make it better. I am hoping that I will find the same someday. Thanks for your post, it helps to read others situations and others getting better. Hugs to you! You are strong!
Laurylady

myselfagain

DAX Thank you for your opinion!How right you are! Mine woke up sober one day and found he was not in the perfect that he thought he was in. He really believed that I would just sit and wait for him to sober up one day, all while telling me "Deal with it".
And I thank everyone else also.

By reading these and all what other folks post here I believe alcoholics are all made from the same mold. One I do not like and do not want to live with.I have read just about every post on this site and have decided that I want nothing to do with his recovery or his life. Myself and the children will be a healthier people for the decisions I have made. I have forgiven but I will NOT forget.
I thank all of you for your stories and your candidness. YES it does help to come here and I do so often.

best

A wonderful part of healing is that forgiveness.

That one action alone with help bring many smiles in the days to come.

Good for you.

StandingStrong

I know how you feel.
My AH hasn't had a drink since January of this year. He moved out the beginning of March at my request.
While I do see some improvements in him, I also see a lot of the same BS. And honestly, I admit there have been times when I have thought of just taking him back for whatever reason (mood) I was having that day. Ironically though, each time I get to feeling that way, I find out something else that he has done or lied to me about that just makes me want to say "The heck with it" and walk away for good. I guess somewhere in my heart, I held out with that never-ending "hope" that this time really would be different in more ways than one.
So much damage has been done over the years, I still feel bitter and resentful sometimes. But I have also been making great strides to go on with my life and continue to try to be "Standing Strong".
I hope that you can make your decision with peace of mind.

Blondie

I see a lot of myself in your post. I left my husband one night and told him I wanted a divorce. I came back after he promised to get help and stop. He never went to counseling or AA (he thought he could do it on his own). Now, a few years later he's back to exactly the same routine and always blamed me for our marital problems AND for ruining his "fun" even when he was sober. Now he's back to blaming me for his drinking and now partially for his brand spanking new DUI. He stopped drinking for a while, but never dealt with his problems or faced his addiction.

Has your spouse been to professional counseling or AA or ANYTHING? Why is he blaming YOU totally for the divorce? Sounds like he still isn't dealing with reality if he isn't admitting to AT LEAST some of the blame. Believe me, I understand your situation. It's sad and very, very frustrating. My prayers are with you.

myselfagain

He went through a program many months ago, I don't know what he does now. I don't ask. I did not support him and will not support him. i do tell him to do it for himself and the children. In his words, "he got well", now i am the sick one because I want a divorce. Its all my fault that he drank, always was, always will be. He figures if he doesnt drink anymore than everything should be o.k. No more problems. NOT
He is dragging his feet on the divorce, he won;t split the stuff up that we have aquired over the years or the house. He won't get with his attonery to settle the divorce. Figures if he holds out long enought i will change my mind.
We do have a trail date set for later this month so he will have to face reality at that moment. He thinks there is someone out there that is going to be able to tell me I HAVE to stay married to him. He wanted me to believe that we should stay together for the children. Since he moved out last March he has had the children for a total of 2 weekends and a few hours during the week. Go figure! He tells me he never stopped loving me, no i guess not, he did just what he wanted, worked ,drank passed out. Each and every day for years.What a life. I did everything else. Now I still do everything else but I am happy doing it. I do make very good wages so money is not an issue. I wish money were not an issue for any of you here, it does help. Fellow your head and not your heart.