Tough love, locks and uncertainty
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Tough love, locks and uncertainty
I’m trying to keep this simple. With the advice of by brother’s AA sponsor and my mom’s social worker, my sister and I decided to lock my brother out of my Mom’s house where he’s been squatting for many months. Mom had a stroke, he just checked out, stating he shouldn’t be there because he was drinking which I frankly agreed with. He ended out drinking himself back into the hospital again less than 2 weeks later. That is when we decided to confront him and have the locks installed. Mom is in agreement with this, though feels terribly guilty. She was afraid she’d never get him to move and she's not been in good health. I’ve never been completely comfortable with doing this, but nothing else has had any impact and I know without doing this we’d be right back where we were.
The problem here is while we’ve gained some control over the situation, and at least in today’s hostile phone call he seemed sober, we have in effect locked him away from his stuff which he is having to move out due to his divorce. He has to ask for us to open it up. We had hoped this would get him to get his own place and start rebuilding his life. He makes a very good living, but he tells me that with the divorce, what he is paying for child support and whatever they call alimony now, he does not have enough left to rent an apartment or storage unit.
I don’t know if this is just more manipulative BS or what. He had told me before that he would be bringing home nearly twice what he says he has now. But I know what the court is requiring is very substantial and things were just finalized. Keeping him from his stuff isn’t the point, nor do I believe even our place. I want him to take control of his life, and at the very least, stop being such a burden on Mom. But if he has no other option, then what? I won’t agree to him moving back in, but I’m afraid also if we give on the one lock to where his stuff is we will lose control, and in essence will be admitting we were wrong to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
I’m not cut from authoritative cloth. I don’t have any desire to wield any power over anybody. I acted because I felt in my heart we had to do something and this was the only thing we had left. I felt mom’s well being had to come first. But I’m honestly not sure whether we’ve overstepped, especially with the garage, or how to deal with the consequences. Perhaps he’ll reflect and act to change his life, but just as likely he’ll just continue to be a huge disruption and given the opportunity manipulate any inch we give him.
How do you deal with this stuff? I've been able to hold firm up to now because I could rebut his arguments. But I wasn't honestly prepared to argue with him over this when he was sober (or seemingly so) like he was today, when his logic was actually fairly sound and made me question myself.
The problem here is while we’ve gained some control over the situation, and at least in today’s hostile phone call he seemed sober, we have in effect locked him away from his stuff which he is having to move out due to his divorce. He has to ask for us to open it up. We had hoped this would get him to get his own place and start rebuilding his life. He makes a very good living, but he tells me that with the divorce, what he is paying for child support and whatever they call alimony now, he does not have enough left to rent an apartment or storage unit.
I don’t know if this is just more manipulative BS or what. He had told me before that he would be bringing home nearly twice what he says he has now. But I know what the court is requiring is very substantial and things were just finalized. Keeping him from his stuff isn’t the point, nor do I believe even our place. I want him to take control of his life, and at the very least, stop being such a burden on Mom. But if he has no other option, then what? I won’t agree to him moving back in, but I’m afraid also if we give on the one lock to where his stuff is we will lose control, and in essence will be admitting we were wrong to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
I’m not cut from authoritative cloth. I don’t have any desire to wield any power over anybody. I acted because I felt in my heart we had to do something and this was the only thing we had left. I felt mom’s well being had to come first. But I’m honestly not sure whether we’ve overstepped, especially with the garage, or how to deal with the consequences. Perhaps he’ll reflect and act to change his life, but just as likely he’ll just continue to be a huge disruption and given the opportunity manipulate any inch we give him.
How do you deal with this stuff? I've been able to hold firm up to now because I could rebut his arguments. But I wasn't honestly prepared to argue with him over this when he was sober (or seemingly so) like he was today, when his logic was actually fairly sound and made me question myself.
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I'm not sure I follow this situation.
You locked him out of your mom's house because she had a stroke, correct? But his stuff is still there? Why not supervise him while he moves out what he needs right now and leave the rest there if it isn't bothering anyone? Or is it that he wants to go back to LIVING there? That seems a terrible burden for your mom, especially when she is recovering from a stroke.
I can't believe that he can't afford some tiny apartment and a storage unit if he is making good money.
What if you were to pay a couple of months' rent on a storage unit, give him the key, and tell him he needs to figure out a way to pay for it after that time. Then it's between him and the storage place, not between him and the family.
I wouldn't give him free access to your mom's home, and I don't believe him when he says he has no money after the child support and alimony. Courts take all that into account (his living expenses) when calculating support. Sounds to me like he's BS'ing everybody.
You locked him out of your mom's house because she had a stroke, correct? But his stuff is still there? Why not supervise him while he moves out what he needs right now and leave the rest there if it isn't bothering anyone? Or is it that he wants to go back to LIVING there? That seems a terrible burden for your mom, especially when she is recovering from a stroke.
I can't believe that he can't afford some tiny apartment and a storage unit if he is making good money.
What if you were to pay a couple of months' rent on a storage unit, give him the key, and tell him he needs to figure out a way to pay for it after that time. Then it's between him and the storage place, not between him and the family.
I wouldn't give him free access to your mom's home, and I don't believe him when he says he has no money after the child support and alimony. Courts take all that into account (his living expenses) when calculating support. Sounds to me like he's BS'ing everybody.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I wouldn't give him free access to your mom's home, and I don't believe him when he says he has no money after the child support and alimony. Courts take all that into account (his living expenses) when calculating support. Sounds to me like he's BS'ing everybody.
We locked him out of Mom's house and a detached garage. He has to move his stuff from his soon-to-be ex-wife's house and is using the garage for that. We've offered to help pay for storage, and to help him get set up in an apartment. He refuses, feels entitled to the garage because he helped Dad build it.
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Well, alcoholics are KNOWN for feeling "entitled." Let him FEEL as "entitled" as he wants. Your mom needs and deserves your protection and assistance. Your brother, I suspect, IS manipulating, and I would either supervise removal of all his stuff or move it to a storage unit with or without his cooperation. If you do that, I would talk to a lawyer just to be sure you do it legally.
If he harasses your mom or trespasses, she can probably obtain a protective order to prevent him from coming onto the property (most places protective orders can be given to former household members when there is an act of domestic violence--trespassing and harassment are usually included).
I know you don't like confrontations, but this is where you have to step up as a son, I think.
If he harasses your mom or trespasses, she can probably obtain a protective order to prevent him from coming onto the property (most places protective orders can be given to former household members when there is an act of domestic violence--trespassing and harassment are usually included).
I know you don't like confrontations, but this is where you have to step up as a son, I think.
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If he has established residence there, which in the USA is remarkably easy to do - if he gets his mail there, is registered to vote there, has a driver's license with that address, etc. - you cannot legally do what you are trying to do. You must (your mother must) evict him. This can take 60-90 days as a rule.
This comes up all the time when a wife wants to throw the AH out - you can't do it without a court order, which an eviction is. In the case of a married couple you may get a court order separate from an eviction, such as a restraining order, but if you really want this to stick, evict him. Then if he comes back you can have him arrested.
This comes up all the time when a wife wants to throw the AH out - you can't do it without a court order, which an eviction is. In the case of a married couple you may get a court order separate from an eviction, such as a restraining order, but if you really want this to stick, evict him. Then if he comes back you can have him arrested.
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Originally Posted by Taking5
If he has established residence there, which in the USA is remarkably easy to do - if he gets his mail there, is registered to vote there, has a driver's license with that address, etc. - you cannot legally do what you are trying to do. You must (your mother must) evict him. This can take 60-90 days as a rule.
This comes up all the time when a wife wants to throw the AH out - you can't do it without a court order, which an eviction is. In the case of a married couple you may get a court order separate from an eviction, such as a restraining order, but if you really want this to stick, evict him. Then if he comes back you can have him arrested.
This comes up all the time when a wife wants to throw the AH out - you can't do it without a court order, which an eviction is. In the case of a married couple you may get a court order separate from an eviction, such as a restraining order, but if you really want this to stick, evict him. Then if he comes back you can have him arrested.
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Legally I think you are alright Bro as he initiated leaving after your mom had a stroke.
It is tough to change the locks. It sounds like this brother has known how to manipulate you and your mom for a long time? I'm glad you have support from his sponsor and your mom's SW. I suspect you've given and given and given and put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior.
Peace and resolve Bro!
It is tough to change the locks. It sounds like this brother has known how to manipulate you and your mom for a long time? I'm glad you have support from his sponsor and your mom's SW. I suspect you've given and given and given and put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior.
Peace and resolve Bro!
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