Dodge31

Ok so after turning away the exab away last week. As he was wanting to come over to see our son but I really didn't feel comftable with seeing him as he was just using our son as an excuse to get into my home and try and rekindle our relationship. So a couple of days ago I recieve an email from his solicitor about contact and how keen he is to see him and remain on friendly terms with me. I really don't think this is sincere on his part I think it's more of a scare tactic to get contact with me as I can't afford legal fees. Where he lives he gets free legal aid.
So my question is do I reply to his solicitor myself? What do I do? I really don't feel.comfortable with him taking our son miles away from me when he just can't be trusted with the drinking and everything else that goes along with it. I'm so worried that if I don't play ball with him he will take me to court and I don't have a solicitor to fight my own corner. I'd get ripped to shreads :-(. I will add tho after receiving the email he then went on to pester me for sex later on that night in a drunken text messaging stupor!

LexieCat

Do you live in a different country than he does? How is it that he gets free legal aid and you don't?

Most places, the courts will allow some kind of visitation unless the child would be endangered. How old is your son?

You might respond to the solicitor that you don't wish to cut him off from seeing his child, but that you have serious concerns about your son's safety in view of his father's drinking. Is there a family member (yours or his) that you could trust to supervise visitation? Perhaps you could propose that as a solution?

You can also tell the solicitor that you do not wish to have any communication at all with your ex, except through the solicitor.

I don't know where you live, but getting some legal advice would be very helpful to you.

Dodge31

I'm in the UK so there's no legal aid. But he gets it where he is. Our son is 11 weeks I don't want to hand him over to somebody who will take him miles away and won't be able to be responsible for him. Unless this contact involves me and will kick up a stink and take me to court out of spite knowing that I can't get a solicitor.I don't know anything about going to court. He does, he's spent a lot of time in court.

Dodge31

I don't know were to go for legal advice that's free?

LexieCat

Here's something to check on whether you qualify for Legal Aid: Legal Aid Checker

And here are a couple of other resources that might help: Citizens Advice Guide and Children's Legal Centre

Dodge31

Thank you will check them out now :-) xx

Jenibean87

Start recording these messages he sends you. All of his drunken antics are now evidence that you can use to ensure that your very teeny tiny baby isn't left in the hands of someone who might cause your son harm. It does sound like he is ready to put up a fight. Know that you are obviously in the right here, so begin thinking about and recording examples of times when he demonstrated his drinking creates an unsafe environment.

Dodge31

I'm already on that...recording phone calls keeping text messages. I feel like I'm being backed into a corner by him. He doesn't really care for.our son, never has he paid a penny matience or wants to.know how he is its all about me...what I'm doing. I worried that if I don't let him in my life he will take our son.

LexieCat

Well, letting him back into your life won't protect your son. Not for the long term. You have to look at this in the big picture. Chances are you will have to deal with this man, in some fashion, for the next 18 years or so. Best to hold firm now and not give him a toe-hold into your life, expecting he can have you at his beck and call. Don't let him scare you.

LexieCat

Incidentally, if there is any history of his abusing you, it looks like you probably WOULD qualify for legal assistance. It doesn't have to be physical harm--it could be threats, scary behavior, etc.

Dodge31

Yes plenty of abusive behaviour. Smashing my stuff up,beating my dogs,trashing my house,stealing door keys,general nasty insults,lies,cheating...list is endless. Hence I'm not happy to have him in my home or be in a relationship with him.

Dodge31

I just read that back to myself and I'm disappointed in myself and let him do them things to me.

LexieCat

OK, I'm very, very sorry those things happened to you.

The good news, in THIS situation, is that the abuse gives you a whole lot more options and ways to stay safe. It looks like you will qualify for free/low cost legal assistance. You can most likely get an order of protection (call your local women's shelter and ask to speak with an advocate) that will require him to stay away from you, protect your son by limiting contact with him until he has been evaluated and found not to be a threat to his safety, and probably require him to pay support for the child.

I would get moving on this immediately, and when you apply for the order, be sure to provide those messages you have recently received. I would also send a reply to his solicitor making it clear that you do not wish to receive any further communication directly from his client. That way, if he persists in contacting you directly, it might be considered harassment or stalking.

Make some phone calls tomorrow or Monday and start moving on this. The sooner you get moving, the safer you will feel.

LexieCat

No, it's HE who should be ashamed and disappointed in HIMSELF. YOU didn't do anything wrong.

Living with an abuser messes with your head--abusers are manipulative and tear you down until you don't know whether you're coming or going. What's important is that you are safe now and taking steps to protect yourself and your son.

I've worked in the domestic violence field for a very long time--it is a very courageous step to get free of the abuse.

Dodge31

Ok thank you. Can I get him evaluated?

Dodge31

My head is a mess from it all. He's said and done some awful things to me when I sit and think about it. He always seems to have a reason as to why I'm such a terrible person and that I've done him wrong and this is all my fault.

LexieCat

That's something you would have to ask your solicitor or an advocate. I don't know how the law works in the U.K. My guess is that that could be a condition of allowing visitation or parenting time. I would assume that if he has a history of alcoholism and of abusing you then the court would want to be sure he doesn't pose a risk to the child.

Incidentally, if any of the abuse happened during your pregnancy, be sure to be specific about that.

LexieCat

That is a typical abuser tactic. It's all about having power and control over you. If you listen to how it's all your fault then you are back to trying to please him instead of being your own person. NOBODY is to blame for abuse except the abuser.

WMJ1012

Dodge

Our histories and personal relationships are so complex that only God and we really know what we should do. But to find that out I had to look at myself real closely in the steps.

I had to ask myself a series of questions to get down to the truth - and then the answers became clear. And just by doing the steps everything started working out.

Best wishes
WMJ

amy55

Hi Dodge,

Nice to meet you. I'm really happy that you are reaching out, this is a terrific forum. I myself was in an abusive relationship for over 25 years. No, abuse is not your fault, it's about control, just like Lexie said.

It sounds like you might not have many people to talk to, but you already courageously told him to get out. That was a really big step for you.

Stay here with us, reach out to us. We want the best for you. You have found a lot of people here who have gone through what you are going through.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy