worriedwife75

okay so this is a long storey, my ah and I have been together 6 years, he has always been a drinker up until 3 months ago when he got busted for his second dui and his boss a family member, told him he needed to go to dry out. He is usually a very loving man but has always had problems expressing emotions unless he is intoxicated. So anyways so that he could keep his job I was driving him around for it. I didn't mind at first but after a while I felt like I was getting appreciated for it. I was very angry at my husband for not only getting us in the financial situation he got us in but also for deciding he was gonna fight his charges instead of facing the music. The day he left for dry out his family member who is his boss picked him up and I found he was acting weird, my husband I mean. He had been dry about 9 days at that time and his moods had been crazy. He called me that night to tell me he was leaving me, just like that to end our marriage over the phone . I was in shock, I said I really don't think your in the right state of mind to make that decision, better to wait till after dry out. So anyways the dry out place he was at allowed him phone calls on on Saturdays for 3 hours, the first sat he called to talk about bills. I told him I didn't want his money, he was cocky and full of I don't even know what, he wasn't himself that's for sure. The second Saturday when he called I didn't answer the first time, I did the second, he wanted to make sure I was okay, said he cared about me but had to do this had to be selfish and move on with his life, he was crying, I told him I loved him, he said he loved me too and hung up. The following Friday when he got out of rehab, his boss picked him up and I wasn't even told he was home, I happened to find out from someone who saw him, so I went to see him, he was distant, said there was nothing to talk about, said he had to move out and move on with his life. Wouldn't look me in the face and when he did started to cry and walk away. 2 days later he moved his stuff out, talk to our adult children but barely texted me. Over the next few weeks he started calling and texting more often. He works away from home so I haven't seen him a lot. so about 2 weeks ago he called me in the morning and we were having a regular talk and he let me pet name he calls me out, then he went really silent for a few min and then he started lashing out at me, told me he was moving on and he had to go to work. He hung up and hasn't talked to me since he has spoke to our children but nothing to me yet. I love him , I want our marriage to be fixed, I know its not an overnight fix and that he has to work on his sobriety and I on my caretaker issues, I have been going to alanon for 3 months now. Just wondering if we have a chance at all or if I'm reading into this too much or if anyone has anything in common.

CodeJob

Hello worried wife, Welcome to SR!

I'm glad to hear you have been trying Al Anon. Is it helping at all?

From your story, it sounds like your H's feelings towards you shifted prior to even going to rehab. It's impossible to know what will happen. Early recovery(is he sober?) is a volatile time. Personally I'd work two angles, one is he'll come around. Two, he won't.

The first action on your part it sounds like you've made. You are getting some education on enabling and other ways perhaps you controlled the situation in your marriage via Al Anon.
SR taught me a lot too.

The second thing is work on a possible divorce. Line things up.

It is possible he thinks all of his problems are due to you. This is untrue of course, but As like to blame shift then move on to wear another partner down.

Peace!

LexieCat

Tough to add to CodeJob's great response.

You can't read his mind and you can't see the future. Right now, though, he is unavailable as a partner and is telling you he doesn't want to come back to you. I would, as CodeJob suggested, consult a lawyer and find out what your rights and obligations would be if you divorce. Protect yourself financially and practically. And keep going to Al-Anon.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. Try to stay grounded, be kind to yourself.

Hugs,

dandylion

worriedwife.....Wow. I can see how conflicted you must feel, right now.
It would be nice if you had some crystal ball that would tell you what was going to happen...but, you don't.

In terms of protecting you and your own mental health....this is what I would suggest....
Back off---Way off. Give it a year's time. Live as if the split is going to be permanent. (as it may well be). Re-evaluate the terrain after one year.
By ALL means, continue alanon and working on your own self-knowledge. My dear, you will not be the same person after one year.

I hope that you keep reading the real life stories, here. There are l iterally thousands. You will find many that actually mirror your same situation. You can learn a lot from the experiences of others.

dandylion