Workn on Leavn
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Workn on Leavn
Well, I have been trying to leave for a long time... still. I have been up and down over these last years but I'm proud of myself for staying in the mindset of leaving for the past 5 months. The problem is that I have some things that cripple my efforts and the longer that time passes then I get cold feet and think that I can't make it. But at least I'm growing stronger.
I guess I just wanted to know what others thought about things that are going on. He is hiding alcohol in the house now, which I can't even believe I'm writing because I just can't even believe that he's drinking since his father's such an alcoholic. But I guess that's how he's choosing to cope with my wanting to end things with him.
I have also been forthright about wanting to not be together anymore and he has told me that he will never divorce me and that he won't let me go. I have told him point blank the things that bother me about him and why I do not want to live with him anymore and still he tells me very calmly, "You need to stop acting like this and work on us so we can move on in our relationship."
I repeatedly answer his questions with "I do not want to be with you" and it's almost as though he's deaf to what I say.
Are there others who have had someone just simply push their desires to leave to the side? I feel as though I am being direct but he's not even hearing me. I plan to send the papers to him in January because I should have enough money to pay the lawyer by then but he's just so... seemingly convinced that I need to give up my 'ridiculous' notions to leave because he's decided that I'm not going anywhere.
I don't feel like I have a reason to be scared of him but his calm 'you are staying married to me' leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. I guess I just assumed that given that our daily life is so unhealthy and full of tension that at some point he'd agree with me and say 'yes' to ending our relationship but that's definitely not the case.
I guess I just wanted to know what others thought about things that are going on. He is hiding alcohol in the house now, which I can't even believe I'm writing because I just can't even believe that he's drinking since his father's such an alcoholic. But I guess that's how he's choosing to cope with my wanting to end things with him.
I have also been forthright about wanting to not be together anymore and he has told me that he will never divorce me and that he won't let me go. I have told him point blank the things that bother me about him and why I do not want to live with him anymore and still he tells me very calmly, "You need to stop acting like this and work on us so we can move on in our relationship."
I repeatedly answer his questions with "I do not want to be with you" and it's almost as though he's deaf to what I say.
Are there others who have had someone just simply push their desires to leave to the side? I feel as though I am being direct but he's not even hearing me. I plan to send the papers to him in January because I should have enough money to pay the lawyer by then but he's just so... seemingly convinced that I need to give up my 'ridiculous' notions to leave because he's decided that I'm not going anywhere.
I don't feel like I have a reason to be scared of him but his calm 'you are staying married to me' leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. I guess I just assumed that given that our daily life is so unhealthy and full of tension that at some point he'd agree with me and say 'yes' to ending our relationship but that's definitely not the case.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's in denial about ending the marriage the same way he's in denial about his alcoholism.
Incidentally, don't be shocked he's hiding the booze--virtually every alcoholic whose partner doesn't like the drinking does that. It's a survival thing. He has to have it, and he figures if he hides it, he's less likely to get grief about it.
I'd strongly suggest you stop trying to convince him that you're serious, or to get him to agree that it's over. You could still be saying that 10 years from now with the same passive-aggressive responses.
Just go ahead with your plans. Once he's served with the papers, he may or may not face reality, but that's HIS problem--it doesn't have to be yours.
But you will only make yourself insane if you keep trying to reason with him.
Incidentally, don't be shocked he's hiding the booze--virtually every alcoholic whose partner doesn't like the drinking does that. It's a survival thing. He has to have it, and he figures if he hides it, he's less likely to get grief about it.
I'd strongly suggest you stop trying to convince him that you're serious, or to get him to agree that it's over. You could still be saying that 10 years from now with the same passive-aggressive responses.
Just go ahead with your plans. Once he's served with the papers, he may or may not face reality, but that's HIS problem--it doesn't have to be yours.
But you will only make yourself insane if you keep trying to reason with him.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Because he is being kinda nutty about you leaving, I might have a friend to stay with when he is served. I would also not beat the dead horse before you do, given he is responding weirdly.
My experience is men do one of two things when they don't want you to go, 1) cry, beg and plead for you to stay, 2) replace you overnight. The real nuts might get psycho, so have an escape plan just in case.
My experience is men do one of two things when they don't want you to go, 1) cry, beg and plead for you to stay, 2) replace you overnight. The real nuts might get psycho, so have an escape plan just in case.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 81
I saw your post on the other side but just had a few thoughts to share with you. I hope you will understand these thoughts are intended to help you, not hurt you.
First, you have told him you do not want to live with him. Do you want him to move out or do you want to move out?
It seems you are telling him your boundaries but you are not following through with them. You are waiting on him, letting him control the situation, and, of course, he has no desire for change. Do you really think he will agree with you? As an alcoholic, and based on my experience, I would not. I'd just drag it out without really addressing it. Unless, perhaps, someone upset my world like you have the potential to do.
For all my blabbering, I'd suggest you state what you expect from him and be strong enough to take action if he doesn't meet those expectations. Hard to do, very hard. It's necessary for your own sanity, though.
Best wishes and good luck.
First, you have told him you do not want to live with him. Do you want him to move out or do you want to move out?
It seems you are telling him your boundaries but you are not following through with them. You are waiting on him, letting him control the situation, and, of course, he has no desire for change. Do you really think he will agree with you? As an alcoholic, and based on my experience, I would not. I'd just drag it out without really addressing it. Unless, perhaps, someone upset my world like you have the potential to do.
For all my blabbering, I'd suggest you state what you expect from him and be strong enough to take action if he doesn't meet those expectations. Hard to do, very hard. It's necessary for your own sanity, though.
Best wishes and good luck.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Wife, you've made your plans, and you're working towards them, and that shows great strength. The more you tell him, the greater chance he has to control the situation, so don't feel you have to discuss, just do what you have to do, quietly.
His responses are a little creepy, so plan to be safely out of the way when the papers are served. He may react badly to not being in control any more.
His responses are a little creepy, so plan to be safely out of the way when the papers are served. He may react badly to not being in control any more.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You don't owe him an explanation. I was a big one for seeking validation where none was necessary. You don't need justification from an outside source to end a relationship that is no longer working. I wish I had understood that a decade or so ago. I could have avoided a lot of problems in my personal life.
Keep on planning and working toward your goal. Hope things fall into place for you. Good luck.
Keep on planning and working toward your goal. Hope things fall into place for you. Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Thank you all for the responses. And it's true I need to just keep working towards what I'm planning and he doesn't need to know everything that I'm doing. Man! It is soooo difficult when I begin to think of everything that I need to do and somehow work out. I'm scared because of so many things- mortgage, house, children, job, etc. I am a student (graduating next month) and he just resigned from his job (last day is in May - odd I know). I don't have a full-time job right now so I feel unprepared for that new segment of life. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can make it so that I DO follow through on my plans to leave.
I had an eye-opening moment the other night. He is constantly giving me reasons for why I can't leave such as him being a 'good guy and good husband' so why would I go (not true by the way). But I realized something - even if I left him for no other reason than me wanting to be petty and selfish and saying "I'm bored" then I am free to do that. That's obviously NOT the reason why I want to leave but even if it were I'm still ALLOWED to do that. I feel like I'm not allowed to leave because I can't until he accepts it. But I know that that's not right and that this still has to do with his need to control. I hate how I still always fall back into those ways even when I know that I have a mind of my own.
I had an eye-opening moment the other night. He is constantly giving me reasons for why I can't leave such as him being a 'good guy and good husband' so why would I go (not true by the way). But I realized something - even if I left him for no other reason than me wanting to be petty and selfish and saying "I'm bored" then I am free to do that. That's obviously NOT the reason why I want to leave but even if it were I'm still ALLOWED to do that. I feel like I'm not allowed to leave because I can't until he accepts it. But I know that that's not right and that this still has to do with his need to control. I hate how I still always fall back into those ways even when I know that I have a mind of my own.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Originally Posted by wifeofanACoA 
I hate how I still always fall back into those ways even when I know that I have a mind of my own.
You're not alone on this. For a long time I thought the reason I didn't tell my AH that I am unhappy is because I don't want to lose financially. But truthfully, I'm afraid of making him sad, hurting his feelings, and making him mad at me. When I'm in difficult relationships that I want to end, I find myself wanting the other party to be angry with me so that it's "easy" for me to leave. I'm afraid of other people's strong emotions, and wiling to sacrifice my peace and joy and comfort to maintain their status quo.
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That's something that I really need to digest gleefan. I think that I really need to look at myself and think about whether I stay because of his strong emotions or because of other reasons. I honestly had never really thought about that before. I guess he does scare me when he gets that 'look' in his eyes and then on top of it I do feel pity for him when he's playing the victim. Something to think about.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by gleefan
You're not alone on this. For a long time I thought the reason I didn't tell my AH that I am unhappy is because I don't want to lose financially. But truthfully, I'm afraid of making him sad, hurting his feelings, and making him mad at me. When I'm in difficult relationships that I want to end, I find myself wanting the other party to be angry with me so that it's "easy" for me to leave. I'm afraid of other people's strong emotions, and wiling to sacrifice my peace and joy and comfort to maintain their status quo.
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