Just THAT fast
 

The rollercoaster made a turn for the worse...just that fast. When I went out to dinner with my A I asked him about getting Iphones for our two youngest daughters. He agreed and said "well, we were going to eventually anyway". So I ordered them the next day. I picked them up at the store. They were SOOOO happy. I was "supposed" to wait until Christmas, but I can never keep a secret, so I gave them to the girls. They loved it. :)
He asked me for sex this morning before work and I told him no, because he would be late for his morning AA meeting. I said it in a kind loving way, but I meant what I said. He was ok with it, until the urge to drink today set in. My conversation went like this:
Texting

Me: I thought that I did talk with you about the phones when we were at Shari's for dinner. I was under the impression that you thought it was a good idea too. I'm sorry if I misunderstood. I'm not sure if that is what is upsetting you or not.

My A: it's the electronics, it's your ex, it's you showing off your breasts with the shirts you wear, showing your breasts off to my brother, flirting with other men, talking about other men, not respecting me as your husband. But I've realized with you that it doesn't matter because it's your way or the highway.

Me: ok. I understand.

MAN I wanted so bad to just SPEW at the mouth on how everything he was saying was so controlling and so abusive and sooo wrong. I didn't though. I just kept my mouth shut and he didn't respond. It COULD have turned into a HUGE fight, but I didn't engage which is HUGE for me. I'm very proud, but also just exhausted with the rollercoaster...I posted this morning on how he was being super nice and all....and now this....
He's abusive and destructive and I'm just losing hope......I'm going to have to drop out of school and go back to work because I just don't think I can keep it up. I wanted to make it through the holidays because of HIS kids, but I just don't think I can. I'm discouraged and sick of being the reason he drinks, the reason for his misery, the reason for everything. I am the problem. He told me as much the other day. I am so sick of him.:wild

Ugh.

He is really delusional, but you already know that. He's also very scary. Can you talk to a lawyer about getting temporary custody of his kids? It doesn't sound safe for any of you there.

freetosmile...it sounds like you have reached your saturation point. It this is true....what kinds of support do you have in place? Where does the biological mother fit into this?

dandylion

i agree, that interchange just gave me the creeps and i'm concerned for your well being. he's seriously unstable and you are his target.

fts said bio mom's parental rights were terminated a long time ago.

jmho.

Most likely just the sex thing set off a bunch of insecurity.

Actually, this guy has been having delusions that she's having affairs with every man in sight. It wasn't about what happened this morning.

Sounds kinda like my mate. As long as I was willing to drink up, shut up and put out, everything was fine!

So I spoke with my oldest and his oldest ( both daughters) I told them I might have to leave their dad. His daughter got real quiet and asked if she could live with me. I said no because of my legal rights to her. She asked if she could go live with her bio mom then...i had to explain all that too. She's 14 and know bios were terminated but just doesn't understand the legality. She asked me if I could adopt her. Well yes, yes I could. But how long would that take? God my heart is breaking. I'm ALL they have. No grandma no grandpa, uncle is a severe A....he got drunk last night. I just went to bed. I did call the national hotline. I have a safety plan for ALL the kids and me. That feels good. I have to go, I think. I just don't know where to start. Probably get a job first....

fts, you might very well be able to get guardianship of his kids. He obviously is not fit to care for them on his own. The kids think of you as a mom figure. Please talk to an attorney or even CPS about this. The kids would be much better off with you than in foster care, but they'd be better off in foster care than staying with their drunk and delusional father. The man appears to have serious mental health problems that go way beyond just alcoholism.

Yes I agree...he seemed so much different when I first met him. This morning he is all loving and kind. If I could get away with spewing out a bunch of profanities I would. Problem is, I'm 32. I'm close to middle life. I'm done with the dysfunction. I'm going to talk to my therapist about talking to me and all the kiddos. I don't know what a saturation point is...but I know I am getting ready to take a stand. I no longer have the nagging voice that says he'll change or get better. I just have anger at this point. I don't want that either, but its better than sympathizing with him. I COULD afford a lawyer to adopt the two kids. My A would agree because we've talked about it before. So I could sneak that past him...and then file. I will look on the internet today on a timeline for that kind of thing. Not sure I can wait too much longer. I hate CPS and would like to avoid them at ALL costs.

I'm glad you have an emergency plan. And I agree with Lexie, it sounds like you might be able to get guardianship of the kids, especially since they are of an age where courts (at least in some states) take into consideration the wishes of the kids.

I also agree with Anvil that his reaction is so far out of normal that it's kind of frightening.

people are living past 100 these days, I don't think you are middle life at 32, not yet!

YOU are not the reason he drinks. YOU cannot make him drink or not drink. Or want to drink. YOU are not that powerful. When he tells you that you are the reason he wants to drink, what he is saying is that you are the EXCUSE he wants to use to drink. Big difference. Keep that in mind always. I have to remind myself of this sometimes multiple times a day.

Also, good job on not engaging. It sounds like he was looking to pick a fight to be justified in taking a drink and you didn't give him the ammo he needed. Well done.

Sheesh, me too. At 58, I'm not ready to be in countdown mode for the old folks' home. You're never too young or too old to decide you are done with dysfunction.

I think talking with a lawyer is an EXCELLENT idea. You don't have to go all the way to adoption (because without his consent the court would have to terminate all his parental rights, and that IS a very long process). But a guardianship is much faster and easier to get because all it means is that the kids can stay with you and you can take care of them and make decisions on their behalf--school trips, medical care, etc. That's really all you need to accomplish in the short term. Maybe adoption is something that could happen in the future, but you don't have to figure the whole thing out at this point. All you need to do is to figure something out that would allow them to be in your loving and protective care.

Given the history of abuse, a protective order still might be an option, as well, which would allow you to stay there WITH the kids until other arrangements can be worked out. Talk to the lawyer about ALL your concerns and all the options. There are many ways to skin the proverbial feline, and a good lawyer can help you sort through them.