Thinking out loud

Old 11-21-2014, 09:37 AM
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Thinking out loud

Things with AH continue to be calm, but I am finding that more and more, I am thinking about not being with him. I am planning out what I will say to him, how I will say it, and when.
With the holidays coming, and my son’s third birthday on 12/14, I really would prefer for things to remain calm through then, or maybe that’s just my excuse to prolong it, I don’t know.

I went to my third Al-Anon last night. Starting to feel stronger. Yesterday and this morning AH was more cold to me, and more short than he has been lately. I asked him once if he was okay, and he said yes, so I didn’t keep asking more questions, and trying to read into all of it, like I normally would, so that’s a little progress for me.

Financially, the boys and I will be fine when he leaves. My parents own the house we live in, and I pay rent to them and most of the bills. AH makes significantly less than I do, so I’m very fortunate in that way.

I feel like the hard part for me will come after I tell him I want him to move out again, and before he actually leaves. Last time he left was easier in that way because he was drinking and I had threatened to call SO, and get a restraining order if he did not leave, and he did. This time he’s not, (not yet). I don’t want him arrested, and don’t want a RO (at this point anyway). I suppose I still could get a RO or a move out order or whatever based on what has happened in the past? but I don’t want to have to do that. Is that just me being codie? I worry he won’t take me seriously, because, really, why would he, after all my back and forth in the past, and my giving in and letting him cross my boundaries?

He will need time to find a place to live, so what happens in the mean time? I mean, I can’t just tell him to leave and pack up and be gone that day, can I? He has told me in the past that he will not leave, and that I will have to give him a thirty day notice, which I think is legally true? But I do think though, that as long as I do ensure that I don’t back down, don’t retract, and once he believes I am serious, he will want to leave, so I just need to make sure I am ready to stick with my decision when I make it.

I don't know, just trying to think things through. Thanks for listening.
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Old 11-21-2014, 09:48 AM
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I mean, I can’t just tell him to leave and pack up and be gone that day, can I?
Yes, you can. He's a grown man, he can book himself in a hotel for a few nights and either find a furnished apartment or a sober living environment to live in. One only need look. And you can do it in a kind, loving way. It's not about punishing him, it's about putting yourself in an optimum healthy environment. Keep the focus on you! *I say this from my own personal experience too. I've requested that my husband move out several times now. From my experiences, the calmer and kinder I was the easier it was on me. I love my husband very much and living with him when he's going through a tough time with his sobriety is too much for me to handle. We need to live apart for my own best interests.

He has told me in the past that he will not leave, and that I will have to give him a thirty day notice, which I think is legally true?
I don't know about the legality of that, but if he wants to be difficult, that is his choice. Can you stay with family or a friend for those 30 days?

But I do think though, that as long as I do ensure that I don’t back down, don’t retract, and once he believes I am serious, he will want to leave, so I just need to make sure I am ready to stick with my decision when I make it.
You talk about him believing and wanting things. You cannot make him believe or want anything, you can only put yourself in the best possible scenario for yourself. He could very plausibly live the rest of his life thinking that YOU are making a mistake.
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Old 11-21-2014, 09:55 AM
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The thirty day notice depends on what state you live in. I'd check with a lawyer.

And I understand the wanting to wait until after the holidays. At the same time, someone said to me when I said "I'm going to leave when I've paid off my credit card debt and done these other things" that "You know, you're sounding just like an alcoholic: I'm going to quit drinking after the holidays/vacation/this stressful period at work is over. If you were committed to quitting, you'd quit now."

That's not to say "You should leave now" -- just that if you're not ready to leave now, don't beat yourself up over it. You'll be ready when you're ready.
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Old 11-21-2014, 09:56 AM
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I worried about the same thing. It ended up ugly and I kicked XAH out of my house. My plan before that had been to let him know to start looking, and one week before he actually moved out to go stay elsewhere for a week or two, both myself and my children. I also had removed anything I feared he would take and I could not live without per the advise of my attorney. Cleaned out what was rightfully mine from our bank accounts, etc.

I hope you continue to work on you!
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Old 11-21-2014, 01:14 PM
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Thanks all! I appreciate the feedback.
I could stay with my parents for a period of time if needed, yes.

And removing the items I don't want him to take is a good idea, thanks hopeful.

"You know, you're sounding just like an alcoholic: I'm going to quit drinking after the holidays/vacation/this stressful period at work is over. If you were committed to quitting, you'd quit now."

True! I never thought of it quite like that
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Old 11-21-2014, 01:27 PM
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I second Hopeful's suggestion. When I left, I quietly packed up boxes of my irreplaceable stuff and took them to the home of an Al-Anon friend. I also made sure I had all my financial and other ducks in a row.

I wanted to be the one to leave, because one of the things he had done was to sign another lease on the house we could no longer afford because he lost his job. I had specifically told him not to but he did it anyway. I left him rent money for ONE month and told him he'd have to figure out what to do after that.

I went to stay at a cheapo motel for three days, just to give myself a chance to plan in peace. I then went to stay with my brother for a few days (not a comfortable situation but a necessity) while I found an apartment. I was out of my brother's within 4-5 days, had my own place, found help to move out my furniture (almost everything in the house was mine, but I left him enough to get by).

Best thing I ever did (next to getting sober).
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