Soberintexas007

Well, after living about two months in our new apartment by ourselves without any parents, my husband finally had the type of blowup that he had living with my parents, so I guess it was not just them. He had a bad day at work, came home and had about six beers, and when he came to bed at 1:30 am in the morning, he asked for a back scratch. I told him that I was too tired, and so he got his back scratcher. He then said that I "can do nothing f------ right." I was very hurt by his comment, and I told him that this was verbal abuse. He went on a tirade and began quacking for two hours, slandering me and my family. He finally calmed down when I told him that I was going to go to my parent's house for the night.

The next morning he apologized, told me he loved me, and held me in his arms, but all of that could not make up for the hurtful things he said about my family and me.

When he called me that day from work, he asked if I was okay, and I told him that I was still down. He said that he had a bad day at work, and that he already felt picked on, and that he felt that I degraded and put him down. I asked him how he could feel degraded by me when he was the one who made the abusive comment, and that I then told him that this was verbal abuse. He was obviously deflecting blame.

I took out all of the beer in the house except for two beers, and am going to have a talk with him that I do not want to be around him if he has more than the two beers. I am going to tell him that it is just not worth it for me anymore, and that if he wants to drink more than that, then let us peacefully end the relationship, break the lease after 30 days, and sell the furniture, and go our separate ways.

The domestic violence woman gave me some support groups in the area, as well as local DV therapists. She also directed me to some Al-Anon meetings. We developed a plan together if ever I felt unsafe, which involves either calling the police or going to my parent's house.

Soberintexas007

So my husband just got home, and after I told him about what I wanted, he felt that I was threatening him. I told him that I was not threatening him, but that I was just trying to figure out a way for this not to happen again, as his apology today will not ensure future peace. I told him that if he cannot stick to two beers, then I am trying to help him by going separate ways, as I don't want to have to call the cops on him, since he is already on probation.

LadyinBC

If he is an alcoholic there is no way he is sticking to two beers. As an alcoholic, one drink and I am done. I ain't stopping.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Unless he is truly willing to get help and to quit drinking things normally get worse before they get better.

Please keep safe and remember that you don't have to live like this. You deserve someone who will cherish you and treat you with respect. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.

Soberintexas007

I know, and this is what I am finally beginning to realize, that I deserve better than someone telling me that I can't do anything f------ right. Since living away from my parents, I have had to work harder at grocery shopping, cleaning up, etc. And because I am doing more work to help our relationship, it hurts that much more when he disrespects me. I'm not sure if he is treating me worse, or if I am more fed up with the disrespect that I am now sticking up for myself more. All I know is that I don't want to be treated like this, and he knows this. He is home right now, and I think he feels bad. I don't know if he will quit drinking or get any help.

I told my two bosses at work what was going on at home (that my husband was being verbally abusive). I told them this because I was a bit emotional today and wanted them to know why. They were supportive, but now I am worried that they may think my work will be affected. What do you think about this?

P.S. - My husband just asked me if I got any movies. I told him that I am tired of doing the extra things if I won't be treated any better, so that I did not get any movies tonight, nor did I make any dinner (he does not know that I treated myself to a nice dinner out)

Alaska907

My husband does this to me about once every two months. I think he gets stressed at work and then comes home, drinks, then feels crappy and takes it out on me. Then he says sorry, does all these nice things, doesn't drink for awhile, says he will quit and then BOOM, he drinks again. It's a pattern and I hate it. I think the best thing you can do is get help for yourself. I know I need to figure something out because I hate living like this

FeelingGreat

Hi Justbreathe, did you develop your plan with the idea of scaring him into reasonable behaviour, or do you really mean it? Just thought you should get your motivation clear in your mind.
One thing I noticed was that you told him you weretrying to help him by going separate ways, as I don't want to have to call the cops on him, but in reality you are doing it for you, and that is perfectly justified. You should have every expectation of a loving respectful relationship, and you don't have to leave for HIS sake, but because you value yourself.

LexieCat

I'd suggest that you stop counting beers and rationing them. As BC said, alcoholics will drink what they want to drink, and if it isn't in the fridge it will be somewhere else. You don't have to buy him beer (and I wouldn't), but it's his fridge too (for now) and his house too (for now) so he can drink there if he chooses.

YOU don't have to put up with it if you don't like it. It's just that you can't be the "booze police." It never works and will only build up resentments in both of you.

Try to separate what you do from any effort to "punish" him. If you'd rather eat out, yourself, than eat dinner at home, do it. If you don't want to watch a movie, don't get one. But every nice thing that you do for him doesn't have to be a "reward" for good behavior. It kind of sounds to me like you are trying to condition him, the way you'd train a dog. I can pretty much guarantee that will backfire on you.

I'm VERY glad you called the DV hotline and got some good advice. Al-Anon will be a huge help here, too.

Refiner

Lol, GOOD FOR YOU! I think you're becoming VERY strong and the veil is being lifted and you are OVER IT (being verbally abused by him).

Refiner

Amen!!

hopeful4

Amen...that's the way! Be good to YOU!

How sincere is an apology when he turns around and says what he said? I agree that limiting his alcohol intake will not work, he will just try to hide it more.

I am sorry. Take the suggestions of the DV people. Hats off to you for getting help for yourself, that is great!

We are here for you!
XXX

Carlotta

Hi, I am really glad that you are reaching out for support as far as that is concerned
I completely agree with LadyinBC and others: it won't work if he is an alcoholic. He probably will start hiding his stash and might even switch to vodka which is more compact and easier to hide. All trying to control how much he drinks will accomplish is driving you crazy. Believe me, I have been there (and I should have known better!).

Soberintexas007

Yes, this is sort of the pattern, and I know that I can just help myself. Things are back to normal and have calmed down, but who knows when the next bomb will go off. My husband has anger issues that the alcohol makes worse. He does not want to quit drinking, nor will he get counseling. The only thing he said he would do is take an antidepressant medication.

Soberintexas007

The plan developed was in case I ever feel unsafe in the house.

suki44883

Taking anti-depressants while drinking is useless. Just throwing money down the toilet.

Do you attend al-anon meetings? I think it might be something that would help you.

Soberintexas007

Yes, he is back to drinking more than two beers each day, and I realized that I cannot control it, so I did not hassle him or anything. I know that I am powerless over his drinking, although I will say he has cut down since I got sober. I guess it will all just depend on when I hit my bottom with him, which I am not at right now. He is nice during the day, but he also has low frustration tolerance. I am back to just ignoring it, and then he gets over it and is nice. I will probably check into the Al-Anon meetings this next week.

Soberintexas007

Yes, that is what upset at me work. He apologized earlier in the morning, and then sort of took it back later in the day by saying that he was being picked on and degraded. I was very upset by that.

Soberintexas007

I understand this. I have given up trying to control his alcohol intake, as it will just make me crazy. He has drank about 4 beers today on his day off, and now is drinking a glass of wine. Who knows what will happen. But like the DV plan is, if he gets ticked off and his anger escalates where I get scared, I will most likely just go to my parent's house.

Soberintexas007

I was hoping the antidepressants would make him less angry as an off label use. I plan on looking into Al-Anon next week.

Soberintexas007

Not sure if I mentioned this, but my husband is also a chronic marijuana user throughout the day. This may be why he comes across as being able to limit his alcohol, as he gets high when not drinking. But I prefer him being high to being drunk. When he is high, he is relaxed and easy going, compared to the possibility of becoming aggressive when drunk.

suki44883

Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Anti-depressants don't do anything if a person is drinking. I know this from personal experience. I spent 20 years on anti-depressants while continuing to drink. It was nothing but a waste of money. Once I quit drinking, the anti-depressants did what they are supposed to do. Funny how that works.