I've made a decision. I need a new job.
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I've made a decision. I need a new job.
It took me long enough. But I realized sitting in a meeting with my boss yesterday that as much as I'm able to detach and not take things personally, having a boss who behaves very much like an alcoholic is too stressful for me.
It's been illuminating to notice how my Al-Anon knowledge and recovery work has paid off in another situation -- my qualifier is not in my life anymore -- and how I have been able to not just function but be productive in a dysfunctional environment.
My boss is unpredictable and moody, and takes frustration out on the "weakest" employees -- the ones that don't fight back. The people who raise their voice and yell back are too frightening; so the boss targets the calm and reasonable employees. Three of them have quit in the past month.
My boss also gaslights and rewrites history. Yesterday, I was taken to the woodshed for something I hadn't done. I had embarrassed the boss by leaving an important meeting early, I was told. I didn't. Not only did I not leave the meeting early -- I couldn't have, as I was driving my boss to and from the meeting. I pointed this out and was told I was lying.
In the past year, my performance would have earned me a promotion and a fat bonus in any other organization. Instead, I was told my achievements weren't mine -- they were in fact somebody else's (one of the employees who left recently, after being told she was underperforming and an embarrassment to the company).
I can shrug this off. Not just on an intellectual level. I can actually emotionally shrug it off and say "the boss is wrong, and that's OK. I don't to prove it, I know it." And then I'll just ramp up my job hunt. That's all.
It's really a good place to be, to have... yeah, I'd go as far as to say serenity about this. I can't change my boss. I can't change the dysfunction of the company. I can change jobs, though.
It's been illuminating to notice how my Al-Anon knowledge and recovery work has paid off in another situation -- my qualifier is not in my life anymore -- and how I have been able to not just function but be productive in a dysfunctional environment.
My boss is unpredictable and moody, and takes frustration out on the "weakest" employees -- the ones that don't fight back. The people who raise their voice and yell back are too frightening; so the boss targets the calm and reasonable employees. Three of them have quit in the past month.
My boss also gaslights and rewrites history. Yesterday, I was taken to the woodshed for something I hadn't done. I had embarrassed the boss by leaving an important meeting early, I was told. I didn't. Not only did I not leave the meeting early -- I couldn't have, as I was driving my boss to and from the meeting. I pointed this out and was told I was lying.
In the past year, my performance would have earned me a promotion and a fat bonus in any other organization. Instead, I was told my achievements weren't mine -- they were in fact somebody else's (one of the employees who left recently, after being told she was underperforming and an embarrassment to the company).
I can shrug this off. Not just on an intellectual level. I can actually emotionally shrug it off and say "the boss is wrong, and that's OK. I don't to prove it, I know it." And then I'll just ramp up my job hunt. That's all.
It's really a good place to be, to have... yeah, I'd go as far as to say serenity about this. I can't change my boss. I can't change the dysfunction of the company. I can change jobs, though.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
It took me long enough. But I realized sitting in a meeting with my boss yesterday that as much as I'm able to detach and not take things personally, having a boss who behaves very much like an alcoholic is too stressful for me.
It's been illuminating to notice how my Al-Anon knowledge and recovery work has paid off in another situation -- my qualifier is not in my life anymore -- and how I have been able to not just function but be productive in a dysfunctional environment.
My boss is unpredictable and moody, and takes frustration out on the "weakest" employees -- the ones that don't fight back. The people who raise their voice and yell back are too frightening; so the boss targets the calm and reasonable employees. Three of them have quit in the past month.
My boss also gaslights and rewrites history. Yesterday, I was taken to the woodshed for something I hadn't done. I had embarrassed the boss by leaving an important meeting early, I was told. I didn't. Not only did I not leave the meeting early -- I couldn't have, as I was driving my boss to and from the meeting. I pointed this out and was told I was lying.
In the past year, my performance would have earned me a promotion and a fat bonus in any other organization. Instead, I was told my achievements weren't mine -- they were in fact somebody else's (one of the employees who left recently, after being told she was underperforming and an embarrassment to the company).
I can shrug this off. Not just on an intellectual level. I can actually emotionally shrug it off and say "the boss is wrong, and that's OK. I don't to prove it, I know it." And then I'll just ramp up my job hunt. That's all.
It's really a good place to be, to have... yeah, I'd go as far as to say serenity about this. I can't change my boss. I can't change the dysfunction of the company. I can change jobs, though.
It's been illuminating to notice how my Al-Anon knowledge and recovery work has paid off in another situation -- my qualifier is not in my life anymore -- and how I have been able to not just function but be productive in a dysfunctional environment.
My boss is unpredictable and moody, and takes frustration out on the "weakest" employees -- the ones that don't fight back. The people who raise their voice and yell back are too frightening; so the boss targets the calm and reasonable employees. Three of them have quit in the past month.
My boss also gaslights and rewrites history. Yesterday, I was taken to the woodshed for something I hadn't done. I had embarrassed the boss by leaving an important meeting early, I was told. I didn't. Not only did I not leave the meeting early -- I couldn't have, as I was driving my boss to and from the meeting. I pointed this out and was told I was lying.
In the past year, my performance would have earned me a promotion and a fat bonus in any other organization. Instead, I was told my achievements weren't mine -- they were in fact somebody else's (one of the employees who left recently, after being told she was underperforming and an embarrassment to the company).
I can shrug this off. Not just on an intellectual level. I can actually emotionally shrug it off and say "the boss is wrong, and that's OK. I don't to prove it, I know it." And then I'll just ramp up my job hunt. That's all.
It's really a good place to be, to have... yeah, I'd go as far as to say serenity about this. I can't change my boss. I can't change the dysfunction of the company. I can change jobs, though.
Here's to a healthier and more satisfying employment environment in your near future.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Awesome awareness! Just like in our homes, we can also choose to leave an unhealthy situation in our work environments too. Good luck to you on your job search, you're already a step ahead of others because of your awesome self awareness and confidence!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
My last job was like that.
When I left, I was honest why.
I was told to get some counseling.
Counseling. For knowing when something was not good for me and doing something about it. Okay, then. Then why has your entire staff left in one year?
lillamy, good for you. It was very good for me, and I'm sure you will sigh a sigh of relief when you carry your box of stuff out the door.
When I left, I was honest why.
I was told to get some counseling.
Counseling. For knowing when something was not good for me and doing something about it. Okay, then. Then why has your entire staff left in one year?
lillamy, good for you. It was very good for me, and I'm sure you will sigh a sigh of relief when you carry your box of stuff out the door.
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When I left, I was honest why.
I was told to get some counseling.
Counseling. For knowing when something was not good for me and doing something about it. Okay, then. Then why has your entire staff left in one year?
I was told to get some counseling.
Counseling. For knowing when something was not good for me and doing something about it. Okay, then. Then why has your entire staff left in one year?
You have to laugh or you'd cry.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Don't walk, run..
Jobs said A players hire A+ players who can outshine them. B players hire C players who won't. They in turn hire D payers and you get the Bozo Explosion.
Good employees don't quit their job, they quit their boss. I heard that in a leadership training course a few years ago and it haunts me. The hardest decisions I make at work are the promotions to middle management. If I get that wrong it screws a bunch of folks so the tier below that gets 12 page 360 reviews that I agonize over.
The easiest decision I make? Which middle managers to shoot. If they are not mentoring, encouraging, protecting and growing their people it's obvious, the good ones cultivate loyalty, the mistakes cultivate fear and frustration. I've tried a dozen approaches to fix bad leaders and 11 are ineffective, #12 is to fire their ass, promote the person on their team the others have been looking to for leadership and spend the next quarter mentoring their replacement.
Find that manager or better yet, be that manager and it won't much matter what company you work for ;-)
Here is a good interview question - ask what they think the difference is between a boss and a leader. Bosses have no frigging idea.
Jobs said A players hire A+ players who can outshine them. B players hire C players who won't. They in turn hire D payers and you get the Bozo Explosion.
Good employees don't quit their job, they quit their boss. I heard that in a leadership training course a few years ago and it haunts me. The hardest decisions I make at work are the promotions to middle management. If I get that wrong it screws a bunch of folks so the tier below that gets 12 page 360 reviews that I agonize over.
The easiest decision I make? Which middle managers to shoot. If they are not mentoring, encouraging, protecting and growing their people it's obvious, the good ones cultivate loyalty, the mistakes cultivate fear and frustration. I've tried a dozen approaches to fix bad leaders and 11 are ineffective, #12 is to fire their ass, promote the person on their team the others have been looking to for leadership and spend the next quarter mentoring their replacement.
Find that manager or better yet, be that manager and it won't much matter what company you work for ;-)
Here is a good interview question - ask what they think the difference is between a boss and a leader. Bosses have no frigging idea.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Jobs said A players hire A+ players who can outshine them. B players hire C players who won't. They in turn hire D payers and you get the Bozo Explosion.
And you're right about bosses and leaders. And I have to say that knowing a little more of your position in the working world, and knowing about your walk with Poh and her addiction, I'm pretty impressed by you. It's not easy for someone who's used to calling the shots to step back. On the other hand, I think you probably make a good boss because you are clearly OK with not micromanaging other people's work -- or recovery!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lillamy....I have left two jobs for similar reasons. I find that most everybody faces a situation like this in their professional careers.....and, more than once, sometimes.
In my case the persons in question were doing illegal stuff (in addition to being flaming A-holes). I left--and, quickly, when I discovered the illegal activities. I had professional licensure to protect..and, I had an ethical decision to make! To make it worse..I didn't have another job lined up...and, I needed the money because I had others depending on me for support.
dandylion
In my case the persons in question were doing illegal stuff (in addition to being flaming A-holes). I left--and, quickly, when I discovered the illegal activities. I had professional licensure to protect..and, I had an ethical decision to make! To make it worse..I didn't have another job lined up...and, I needed the money because I had others depending on me for support.
dandylion
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In my case the persons in question were doing illegal stuff (in addition to being flaming A-holes). I left--and, quickly, when I discovered the illegal activities. I had professional licensure to protect..and, I had an ethical decision to make! To make it worse..I didn't have another job lined up...and, I needed the money because I had others depending on me for support.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
Don't walk, run..
Jobs said A players hire A+ players who can outshine them. B players hire C players who won't. They in turn hire D payers and you get the Bozo Explosion.
Good employees don't quit their job, they quit their boss. I heard that in a leadership training course a few years ago and it haunts me. The hardest decisions I make at work are the promotions to middle management. If I get that wrong it screws a bunch of folks so the tier below that gets 12 page 360 reviews that I agonize over.
The easiest decision I make? Which middle managers to shoot. If they are not mentoring, encouraging, protecting and growing their people it's obvious, the good ones cultivate loyalty, the mistakes cultivate fear and frustration. I've tried a dozen approaches to fix bad leaders and 11 are ineffective, #12 is to fire their ass, promote the person on their team the others have been looking to for leadership and spend the next quarter mentoring their replacement.
Find that manager or better yet, be that manager and it won't much matter what company you work for ;-)
Here is a good interview question - ask what they think the difference is between a boss and a leader. Bosses have no frigging idea.
Jobs said A players hire A+ players who can outshine them. B players hire C players who won't. They in turn hire D payers and you get the Bozo Explosion.
Good employees don't quit their job, they quit their boss. I heard that in a leadership training course a few years ago and it haunts me. The hardest decisions I make at work are the promotions to middle management. If I get that wrong it screws a bunch of folks so the tier below that gets 12 page 360 reviews that I agonize over.
The easiest decision I make? Which middle managers to shoot. If they are not mentoring, encouraging, protecting and growing their people it's obvious, the good ones cultivate loyalty, the mistakes cultivate fear and frustration. I've tried a dozen approaches to fix bad leaders and 11 are ineffective, #12 is to fire their ass, promote the person on their team the others have been looking to for leadership and spend the next quarter mentoring their replacement.
Find that manager or better yet, be that manager and it won't much matter what company you work for ;-)
Here is a good interview question - ask what they think the difference is between a boss and a leader. Bosses have no frigging idea.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hey, lillamy,
I meant to respond to this before but somehow got sidetracked.
I remember how excited and relieved I was the first time I quit a job that simply wasn't a good FIT--I had responsibilities but little guidance or direction about how to do them, and when it was hinted to me that layoffs MIGHT be coming, I jumped at the sign that it was time to move on.
Got some good contacts for the job search? We'll be keeping our fingers crossed--I think any organization would be lucky to have someone with your equanimity.
I meant to respond to this before but somehow got sidetracked.
I remember how excited and relieved I was the first time I quit a job that simply wasn't a good FIT--I had responsibilities but little guidance or direction about how to do them, and when it was hinted to me that layoffs MIGHT be coming, I jumped at the sign that it was time to move on.
Got some good contacts for the job search? We'll be keeping our fingers crossed--I think any organization would be lucky to have someone with your equanimity.
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Thank you. I have an interview next week -- it's one of those jobs that I couldn't turn down even if I don't really want it: It's not a great fit for what I really want at this point in my life, but it's also a job that would bump my resume up into a different echelon, so if I get it, I'll take it, even though the work load and the travel is a bit more than I'm really looking for...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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lillamy - Sooo proud of you!!!
I once had a job waiting tables. No big deal, to most people. I was at work through TWO armed robberies, and survived. The first one wasn't too bad. The second one, I developed PTSD, was pistol-whipped and developed "trauma induced migraines". Not to mention the robbers went out and killed several people, a kid and a dog within 24 hours.
My "boss" was all supportive, at first, as I raked his azz over the coals in the parking lot because I had BEGGED them to shut our restaurant down overnight after the robbery of a nearby store.
I lost my "good" insurance, I lost my hours. I was told I didn't have headaches, I "just didn't like my schedule". When I walked in with the documentation from a neurologist I was called a liar.
Long story short, I left the job on the advice of my lawyer. I don't think this is always necessary, but I wanted to do what I could to make sure no one else went through what I did.
I had about 5? years into recovery from addiction and codependency. I was bound and determined to not be taken advantage of.
I went on to work jobs that I was good at, though were not just what I was looking for. I learned a lot, my recovery thrived.
A few years later, I have a job I love and I'm good at. I guess my rambling post is to say do what is best for you. You may not find your dream job at the first, second, etc. try, but it will come.
I will never regret leaving that job, nor the one I was told (by a young manager who thought she was all that) "you need to shut the f--- up". Turned in my resignation the next day.
You deserve better. I'm just saying that you may have to try a few jobs to find the right fit. I have no doubt you WILL find it, though. Incredibly proud of you for taking care of you!!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I once had a job waiting tables. No big deal, to most people. I was at work through TWO armed robberies, and survived. The first one wasn't too bad. The second one, I developed PTSD, was pistol-whipped and developed "trauma induced migraines". Not to mention the robbers went out and killed several people, a kid and a dog within 24 hours.
My "boss" was all supportive, at first, as I raked his azz over the coals in the parking lot because I had BEGGED them to shut our restaurant down overnight after the robbery of a nearby store.
I lost my "good" insurance, I lost my hours. I was told I didn't have headaches, I "just didn't like my schedule". When I walked in with the documentation from a neurologist I was called a liar.
Long story short, I left the job on the advice of my lawyer. I don't think this is always necessary, but I wanted to do what I could to make sure no one else went through what I did.
I had about 5? years into recovery from addiction and codependency. I was bound and determined to not be taken advantage of.
I went on to work jobs that I was good at, though were not just what I was looking for. I learned a lot, my recovery thrived.
A few years later, I have a job I love and I'm good at. I guess my rambling post is to say do what is best for you. You may not find your dream job at the first, second, etc. try, but it will come.
I will never regret leaving that job, nor the one I was told (by a young manager who thought she was all that) "you need to shut the f--- up". Turned in my resignation the next day.
You deserve better. I'm just saying that you may have to try a few jobs to find the right fit. I have no doubt you WILL find it, though. Incredibly proud of you for taking care of you!!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Good luck, Lillamy! I just recently made that decision. I'd been looking 1/2 heartedly for about 2 years, but never found the next 'right place.' As soon as I decided I was done and had to go before the end of the year, it's amazing how many possibly-a-good-jobs showed up.
This was my first week at the new job. Not only am I happy about the decision, but DS is happier, too. I didn't realize how my stress from working in a disfunctional office with abusive managers and crushing workloads was stuck to my heels coming in the door at home, but I see it's relief in DS already.
You'll find a good fit. (((((hugs)))))
This was my first week at the new job. Not only am I happy about the decision, but DS is happier, too. I didn't realize how my stress from working in a disfunctional office with abusive managers and crushing workloads was stuck to my heels coming in the door at home, but I see it's relief in DS already.
You'll find a good fit. (((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Once upon a time I had a boss who was a big bully. If I had been working a program way back then, I wouldn't have given that position a second thought. He had a reputation in the community as a bully, and back then I ignored the red flags.
Good luck Amy! We're rooting for you...
Good luck Amy! We're rooting for you...
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