I need to vent a little

Old 11-20-2014, 06:00 AM
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I need to vent a little

I am fifty something days into recovery myself and I live with an active drunk. He has started to see a positive change in me and really cut back. He was awesome for a whole week. Now to the venting....
Last night he was obviously overserved when I got home from work. He passed out with all his clothes and shoes on. Maybe I should have left him alone. He isn't nasty when he drinks but he was last night. I tried to get him to dress for bed and he was sleep taking in combo with the drunk. He told me to put up scaffolding and we have to mix cement. Then he put my dog in a choke hold and the dog was definately in danger, stood up, told me he was leaving me and called me a f/in b.... WOW. He woke up but is all mad because in his little pea brain he thinks we had a fight. Ummmm no. Does he really dislike me? All the rest of the time he is a good man. Hardworking, affectionate... Thanks for listening.

Jennifer
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:05 AM
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Choking the dog would be a deal breaker for me Jennifer.

What if he kills the dog, or chokes you next time?

I don't mean to be dramatic, but there is a line about violence
which once crossed cannot be crossed back in my view and the view of many others.
Alcoholism is progressive, which I know from my own experience and seeing it in my mother
and now my husband.

I'm sorry this happened, but you need to take it very seriously and protect yourself,
your dog, and your own sobriety.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by countrygirl2014 View Post
I am fifty something days into recovery myself and I live with an active drunk. He has started to see a positive change in me and really cut back. He was awesome for a whole week. Now to the venting....
Last night he was obviously overserved when I got home from work. He passed out with all his clothes and shoes on. Maybe I should have left him alone. He isn't nasty when he drinks but he was last night. I tried to get him to dress for bed and he was sleep taking in combo with the drunk. He told me to put up scaffolding and we have to mix cement. Then he put my dog in a choke hold and the dog was definately in danger, stood up, told me he was leaving me and called me a f/in b.... WOW. He woke up but is all mad because in his little pea brain he thinks we had a fight. Ummmm no. Does he really dislike me? All the rest of the time he is a good man. Hardworking, affectionate... Thanks for listening.

Jennifer
That behavior is completely unacceptable.

As a dog lover, I would get rid of anyone who harmed my beloved family. What if he held your child in a chokehold? Would that be okay or would you get the child away from him for the child's safety?

Re-read your post. You are minimizing and rationalizing his abuse. "He isn't nasty when he drinks, but he was (nasty) last night." Well, if he was nasty and abused your dog last night, then guess what? He IS NASTY WHEN HE DRINKS. He has devolved into a new level of sick. This will continue to happen and it will get worse.

What measures can you take to insure the dog's safety? What about your safety?
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:24 AM
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yes, unfortunately I agree. That behaviour is completely unacceptable. I suggest you tell him what he did and ensure he listens. An instant apology is required. Then, you can decide what you do with it.
Its a pity after he had been making the effort, something may be eating away at him and its not my place to guess. Sorry to hear about what happened, it was ugly.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:42 AM
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I had to get well myself and allow others the dignity to also have their own choices.
You are doing well right now getting into recovery. Whatever you need to do to stay on that path would be good.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:52 AM
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It sounds like he was completely out of it. I mean, talking about cement and scaffolding?

Whether he was aware of what he was doing or not, he's dangerous to you and your dog at this point. Scary stuff.

You have the right to get a protective order that would require HIM to leave. You should be safe in your own home.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:56 AM
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Countrygirl.....I guess this puts you square in the place that so many of us have been...
Now I can see that things are bad"...now, what do I do???? What will be the consequences of any action that I do..or, do not do???
Having to take stock of everything in your life.....
This usually strikes cold..hard fear to most people's hearts...

Now, I doubt that he INTENDED to hurt the dog..any more than he intended to pour cement. But, as you know, alcoholism brings danger.

If it were me...the first thing I would do is to tell him exactly what happened. I am sure that he was in alcoholic black-out and doesn't remember what happened.

Congrats on your own sobriety....
You stand at a great cross-roads....

I wish you courage.....

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Old 11-20-2014, 07:19 AM
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Ugh....the truths I didn't want to hear. This is not a situation I take lightly. I will talk to him and go from there. In the meantime, I will research my options as a mother of a 6 year old who has a crappy job, no money and no relatives out here. I would like to stay in the area, her school is amazing. Then I have to think about my farm. I run it. Poultry...eggs, chicks, chickens, turkeys and rabbits. That's my side money. The house is in his name and the land i use for my animals. Just working it out on here, bare with me

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Old 11-20-2014, 07:48 AM
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countrygirl....we WILL bear with you. That is the reason that this forum exists.

In life...standing at a crossroad or a time of decision making is not easy. It is like standing on the top of a mountain and looking down at the valley that is covered in fog.
But,....if you keep true to yourself and trust in the universe...that it will supply all that you need...it works itself out....inch by inch....piece by piece.

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Old 11-20-2014, 07:48 AM
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It has nothing to do with liking you. Alcoholism is progressive and he is progressing.
I am sorry. Keep your eye on the prize which is your own sobriety.

XXX
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Old 11-20-2014, 08:03 AM
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while you are deciding what to do, please consider starting a quiet fund of extra cash. Squirrel away as much as you safely can every week in a separate account, even if it is $15.00.

$$ isn't the way to happiness, but it will definitely make some of your decisions easier if you are not trapped by not having cash.

the $$ you spent on alcohol yourself is a good start. it sounds like he was completely blacked out...suppose he had your 6 year old in a choke hold? and didn't know what he was doing.

Even if things work out, having an emergency fund that only you have access to is important.
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Old 11-20-2014, 09:41 AM
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I will save up some, great idea.

So this is blacking out. That is very scary.

Jennifer
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Old 11-20-2014, 09:46 AM
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Get out, the next time it could be you and not the dog


(just my advice)
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:00 AM
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Actually, "blacking out" just means a complete lack of memory about what happened when the alcoholic comes out of it. Some people in blackouts behave in a normal way, have normal conversations, but no recollection later of what they said or did. So it doesn't have to be bizarre or scary behavior.

One thing, though, I've never seen/heard of blackouts being experienced by normal, non-alcoholic drinkers. Even if they get drunk and "pass out" they don't go around doing things that they don't remember.
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:17 AM
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I don't think it matter if it was a blackout , brownout , or pinkout.....

He hurt your dog and you have a child in the same house as him.

This may not be typical behavior , but is sure as hell is current behavior.

I would be working on a plan. Get your ducks in a row and get the heck out.

Seems like this will get worse
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by countrygirl2014 View Post
is all mad because in his little pea brain he thinks we had a fight. Ummmm no. Does he really dislike me?
This gives me pause. Who dislikes who?
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Old 11-20-2014, 07:50 PM
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I am being over sensitive and even though I say it's not my fault maybe part of me believes it is. This is good. This is a huge defect of character that i would like to work on.
He was drunk again tonight and not talking to me. I asked him if he thought we had a fight last night. He said yes. I told him we didn't and explained what he did. He refuses to apologize, says it never happened because he was awake and knows it.
....how frustrating...
I handed him a letter I wrote earlier today that reiterated what I verbally explained. I wasn't going to give it to him. The ending says, "me and my daughter have been through enough already. You need to apologize and clean up your act now or I will seriously have to reconsider this relationship"
I asked him again to apologize he said there was no need to. My anger got a hold of me (I'm new in sobriety yet) and I blurted out the big ole f you. I have never said anything like that to him before.
That was at work, 4 hours ago. I'm home now. He is passed out. He can keep his stupid shoes on tonight. I'll sleep in my daughters room with the dog.

Jennifer
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Old 11-20-2014, 08:15 PM
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He is passed out. He can keep his stupid shoes on tonight. I'll sleep in my daughters room with the dog.
I think that's excellent. Don't take care of him when he's hammered. I actually kind of thought that to myself when you helped him last night (but I get it, you care for the man).

I think it's great you gave him a letter....and I'm hoping he reads it when he's sober. Trying to talk to him when he's not will just frustrate the beejeezus out of you.

Focus on your sobriety...and keeping your daughter and yourself safe. I hate to pull up an adage...but the saying "be the change you want in your world" comes to mind.
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:56 AM
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Arguing with someone who is drunk is a HUGE waste of time.

And obviously he sees anything he did while he was drunk as OK.

I'd be "seriously reconsidering this relationship" already--any apology you get won't be sincere, and as long as he continues to drink these kinds of events are likely to happen over and over and over.
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Old 11-21-2014, 05:04 AM
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Not a good sign if he has no remorse for a seriously violent action.

Not a good sign he's passing out drunk the very next day.

I agree with leaving him there to deal with himself.
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