But what does it MEAN???
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's usually the case that what "they" mean is that they want to be able to drink in peace. And 99 times out of a hundred, WHATEVER they say as long as they are still drinking, is geared toward that end (getting us off their backs, lulling us into a sense of security, etc.). So it's actually pretty simple. What cranks us up is that it SOUNDS like something different. That's by design. They have a pretty good idea how we would react to "leave me alone so I can drink like I want to."
OUR getting better doesn't depend on how well we "understand" what they are saying. If you go on the presumption that the still-drinking alcoholic wants to keep going, you'll be right. When they start to get serious about recovery, what they say still doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but the people who understand them, REALLY understand them, and can help them by understanding them, are other alcoholics--the ones who have the solution.
OUR getting better doesn't depend on how well we "understand" what they are saying. If you go on the presumption that the still-drinking alcoholic wants to keep going, you'll be right. When they start to get serious about recovery, what they say still doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but the people who understand them, REALLY understand them, and can help them by understanding them, are other alcoholics--the ones who have the solution.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I don’t really get what you are saying 
but let me ask you this – yesterday when I posted the “email” and we all discussed, I kind of viewed that email as a ‘homework’ assignment for myself. The Meg a few months ago (ps I called it quits in June, left and moved out end of July – soon to be ex hasn’t drank in a year but he may as well-nothing changed) would have responded and countered every sentence he wrote and THEN I would have posted on SR asking for help. This time I didn’t. The old Meg would have either cried, gotten a headache, have been totally consumed by that email or all of the above. Today’s Meg was distracted by it but nothing fatal.
So if I want to, if I get something like that from him, can I just be like ‘oh here he goes again, cycling” and let it go? shouldn’t I practice on it….? Shouldn’t I play with the head??
but let me ask you this – yesterday when I posted the “email” and we all discussed, I kind of viewed that email as a ‘homework’ assignment for myself. The Meg a few months ago (ps I called it quits in June, left and moved out end of July – soon to be ex hasn’t drank in a year but he may as well-nothing changed) would have responded and countered every sentence he wrote and THEN I would have posted on SR asking for help. This time I didn’t. The old Meg would have either cried, gotten a headache, have been totally consumed by that email or all of the above. Today’s Meg was distracted by it but nothing fatal. So if I want to, if I get something like that from him, can I just be like ‘oh here he goes again, cycling” and let it go? shouldn’t I practice on it….? Shouldn’t I play with the head??
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not sure what you mean by "practice." You have a protective order. There's no deep meaning to his email except that your leaving and getting the order has disrupted his comfortable life and he wants it back. And he thinks if he sugar-coats it you will swallow the bait and let him go back to the nice comfy(er) life that he had before.
And he's at least gotten you to overlook that little matter of his violation of the order. So I wouldn't be surprised if you got another email or text or something in the near future.
It's manipulation, that's all. Pulling your strings, pushing your buttons until he finds the one that gives him what he wants.
One thing--your guy is an abuser, as well as an alcoholic. So whether he's drinking or not, that is something to be aware of. That adds a whole new layer of complication, but either way, the communication is not in your interest--it's in his.
And he's at least gotten you to overlook that little matter of his violation of the order. So I wouldn't be surprised if you got another email or text or something in the near future.
It's manipulation, that's all. Pulling your strings, pushing your buttons until he finds the one that gives him what he wants.
One thing--your guy is an abuser, as well as an alcoholic. So whether he's drinking or not, that is something to be aware of. That adds a whole new layer of complication, but either way, the communication is not in your interest--it's in his.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
yes he is - how did you know that? Did you read my story? I always thought the alcohol made him abusive, but it was through this site that I realized not all alcoholics are abusive and when I realized he had two (+) things going on, it made me very sad. I thought - what does that say about ME?
I thought discussing the contents of the email would help me be more trained and skilled at recognizing "traps" and manipulation, etc..
There are so many others on this board who are sooo smart and have so much knowledge and wisdom and I read their replies and I'm like - wow - I can only hope to be there someday....
I thought discussing the contents of the email would help me be more trained and skilled at recognizing "traps" and manipulation, etc..
There are so many others on this board who are sooo smart and have so much knowledge and wisdom and I read their replies and I'm like - wow - I can only hope to be there someday....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The alcohol might make the abuse worse, but abuse is a totally different issue.
Listen, we all had no idea what we were dealing with when we first started learning about this stuff. I can tell you are a smart young lady. You'll get there. It's a shame we have to get educated about this stuff--wish we never had to be in the position to need it--but it is essential to learn about if you want to build a safe, happy life for yourself and your child.
Hugs,
Listen, we all had no idea what we were dealing with when we first started learning about this stuff. I can tell you are a smart young lady. You'll get there. It's a shame we have to get educated about this stuff--wish we never had to be in the position to need it--but it is essential to learn about if you want to build a safe, happy life for yourself and your child.
Hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Our higher power talks to us in various ways. Apparently yours delivered a message to you through NCIS.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
welp, it IS a TV show, not reality, and I wasn't paying attention to the whole thing, but Dr Mallard and Palmer where in autopsy and had a Geiger counter thingie....as they only had a head to go with they may have been trying all options? but that was so not the point.........
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by meggem
so wait wait wait. . I love this post and I love the comments but I have a question...
Aren't we supposed to figure out what "they" mean and what "they" say so we know how to get better?
I have learned alot about my A's behavior through this site and reading and therapy so I know better how to react (or better yet - not react to it) and to figure out that he is a big quacker.
Is that not what I am supposed to be doing?
Aren't we supposed to figure out what "they" mean and what "they" say so we know how to get better?
I have learned alot about my A's behavior through this site and reading and therapy so I know better how to react (or better yet - not react to it) and to figure out that he is a big quacker.
Is that not what I am supposed to be doing?
Did you ever notice that normal folks do not seem to have problems with A's?
Normal folks just will not put up with the crap.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I only saw "Barton Fink" once and I was not really sure what to think about it. I loved all the drunken writers in Hollywood though. I never see this movie in Saturday cable rotation like 'The Big Lebowski."
As for the box, codies should take a hint from Hitchcock. Our imaginations are just fine. We don't need to see the horror. Things can happen off screen without us being there. Always substitute chocolate for blood.
Popcorn for the movies!
As for the box, codies should take a hint from Hitchcock. Our imaginations are just fine. We don't need to see the horror. Things can happen off screen without us being there. Always substitute chocolate for blood.
Popcorn for the movies!
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