freetosmile

Told my A last night and today that I was done with the toxic behavior. Mine and his. I told him I was through with "talking" about recovery and am going to start "doing". My toxic behavior is that I have a fear of rejection and abandonment. I am fearful of being hated and recognize now that I'm holding on to my A because of my toxic BS. He always likes to say We need to do this, or WE need to do that. It seems to take the heat off of HIM when he says WE. I've decided that I am just as unhealthy as he is, just in another form. I have to work on me. I told him as much. He says he wants to get healthy too, I said I'm done wanting...im doing. We are sinking and I will not be the band member to play until the ship goes under. I'm grabbing a life raft as fast as I can. There's room for two, but whether or not he jumps aboard is not my call. He said he was scared I don't love him anymore...typical A thing to say. Then he got angry and started telling me to get down off my pedestal. I told him I didn't HAVE to inform him of my intentions and that it was a courtesy call. He is being super nice. No drinking today, of course. I'm getting angry and I will embrace my anger instead of internalizing his insults and trying to change myself. Its nice to be angry instead of scared and sad. He is getting antsy. I think I need to make myself stronger so I can leave. Actually, its my house, so he will have to go. I will wait until the holidays are over so "his" kids (but mine in my heart) don't have to move over the holidays. I believe that things will get worse as he sees me detach, but I will pray for strength and courage. I wish I could keep all the kids instead of splitting them up, but I don't see any other way around it. I hope and pray that I keep the momentum going and don't falter along the way

LexieCat

Be careful, free. I know you are trying to be strong and to stand up for yourself, which is good, but by your own admission you are afraid this may make things worse in terms of his reaction. He is very erratic and unpredictable from what you have said. And prone to violence and delusions.

Why not talk to an advocate, as I suggested before, about safety planning, in case you and the kids need to leave quickly. Not forever--as you said, it's your house, but in case you need to escape temporarily. If it comes to that, you can get an order that will force HIM to leave.

This is when you have to be especially cautious and alert.

ladyscribbler

You're paying a lot of attention to his words. I made that same mistake. Be careful.
Are you in any kind of recovery program for yourself? Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, Codependents Anonymous?
Alanon really helped me in my personal recovery.
I understand the big sticking point here is his kids. Their mom lost parental rights and the alcoholic dad is it for them. Have you explored any kind of legal options where you could foster them or even legally adopt them?

freetosmile

No, I really haven't explored anything at this point. I have been invited to alanon. I will go. Out here in BFE there is only one meeting a week. I am in a VERY small town. Talking to an advocate would be like talking to the neighbors.....im in this alone. Simple as that. I am going to be careful. I am not going to provoke. I just need to build some strength. I just need to build strength and buy some time. And as far as the kids go, I'm in no position financially to seek custody of the kids. I just need to pray about that part of it. Pray Hod opens a door. I love them dearly

LexieCat

No, talking to an advocate is NOT like "talking to the neighbors". First of all, most advocates have confidentiality. The advocate will explain what limits, if any, there are on that (if the advocate learned of actual child abuse, for example, they might be required to report that to CPS), but they don't tell just anyone.

Second, you can call the NATIONAL DV hotline and talk to someone who is a complete stranger. They don't know you at all.

These people are trained EXPERTS in danger assessment and safety planning. It's what they do. We bring them in to help us train the police about what to do to keep victims safe. You don't NEED to be "in this alone"--and you are much safer (and the kids are, too) if you are not in it alone.

LexieCat

Another freakin' double post. Aaargh!!

freetosmile

I will call tomorrow (the national line). I know advocates are bound by confidentiality, but in all honesty there is no such thing in a small town. Even if it is the law. I know every medical diagnosis of every citizen and when their last prostate/pap exam was. He he...little small town humor.
Thanks lexie, I will reach out and see what God throws back. Don't know unless I try. Until then, I will study for my finals, try to love myself, and love my kids.

LexieCat

Good for you. It doesn't hurt to get some objective input on something so important. Especially when it's FREE.

Hugs, stay safe.

meggem

I remember clearly me detaching and speaking boundaries and my A getting all freaked out. If I spoke too intelligently he would remind me that I didn't have a psychology degree and then he would go on to say that I didn't even bother to finish college at all, and then he would get into something else. but yes, if I had a healthy moment, he felt very threatened by it. Or if I said - hey if this doesn't work out, it's OK, always in each others hearts, maybe not meant to be, blah blah.. he would accuse me of having a boyfriend..

There is no talking to someone who is not in RECOVERY. I'm not even going to say sober because mine is "sober" for a year and he may as well drink.

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic I can say it's a solitary journey. You realize you're powerless over alcohol and turn to AA and the support of the fellowship. I found non-alcoholics have no idea how we think.

Stung

I discovered this in marriage counseling last week. I simply don't get what the big deal is because I simply don't understand alcoholism. I think unless you've experienced it first hand there is no way for you to truly understand what the hell is going on.

freetosmile

I agree....it's very hard to understand their plight. I guess for me, I just try to stop understanding and let go. I can't keep trying to grasp what he is going through. It's taking a toll on me.