laurylady

:scared1:
Hi everyone, this is my first post, so I'll try not to go on too long with history of my relationship with my A. We have been together 20 years, married for 12. Kids are now 9 and 6. My self esteem was so very low that I accepted all of his behaviors and thought I deserved whatever he said to me and thought I deserved the way I was treated.
It has taken a long time to see that I didn't deserve any of it. It has also taken a long time to see him for what he is and finally realize that it wasn't/isn't normal behavior and I deserve better. The abusive behaviors got out of hand 1 night 2 years ago and after that I was thinking of divorce almost every day as a way out of my unhappiness. He won't quit drinking, he told me that. I have confronted him on his abusive behaviors and he knows he mentally abuses when he is drinking. He just says he doesn't mean any of it. I am now educated on why he acts the way he does and am trying to manage my life each day as it comes, I am just not sure when it is time to leave. He won't drink when he is working, for 7 days at a time, then on his 3 days off, he drinks almost every day and night. Those 3 days are what scare me. I don't trust his behavior and I don't feel safe when he is drinking. I am training myself not to overreact to his controlling and abusive behaviors, but it still hurts.
He is also getting abusive (never physically) to my oldest son. He loves both boys so much, he is also very controlling & selfish, (typical of an A) The other night, it was time for bed and my oldest S didn't want to be physically touched and hugged by his dad, so he pushed his dad away and his dad got upset and said "why do you treat me like this, when I do so much for you, you are a spoiled brat....." and on and on and "Good f'##n night" It is the same type of thing that he has said to me on many occasions. A burst of anger, why do you do this to me, and a few cuss words that feel like a stab in the heart, and then he leaves the room to cool down. And I am left feeling like I just got slapped in the face and am the bad guy. It is so hard to leave because the kids would be heartbroken to not have their dad around them all the time. I feel right now that the kids are holding us together. I also have to do what is right for the kids. This is so hard. Help!

Nightowl

First, let me say thank you for your post as it has helped me so much understand what I have been feelign and couldn't put into words. My SO is about the same as your husband. Except mine drinks consistently daily, but it never interfers with work, etc. And he isn't physically abusive or even particularly mean. But I don't feel safe when he is drinking. you put it so well. I have felt anxious ever since he moved in and I began to see his drinking patterns. And then I tried to make myself feel guilty for that. Thinking, ok now really...waht is so bad. He still loves me, etc. But he has picked fights over politics with my daughters and hurt their feelings. He gets very defensive and takes things personally. My daughter has called him paranoid. Cause he went through a period when he thought she hated him

I now see it is all a part of the drinking. I never could tell why I felt so uncomfortable. His drinking didn't seem THAT bad. But it is. It throws everything off. I thankfully don't have children with my SO. We are both divorced. And after a long marriage where I was mentally abused and my esteem was in the toilet...I feel I deserve so much more. After he moved out, my kids really relaxed. My SO refuses to quit as well. it is who he is, he says. He's happy with who he is and he isn't going to change. So I said well I can not be happy with this so I guess we are through. It hurt me so much that he could choose beer over me. But I know that he is addicted and he needs help to quit. And he isn't ready to seek help.

I am not being much help to you. I know it is rough when they don't beat you. They dn't call yo unames. But still...you are unhappy in the situation . I don't know the answer. I had to get out of both my relationships when I began getting sick. My body was telling me what to do. Get out or get sick. I felt like I was on the path to destruction. It scared me. I want to be around fro my kids.

hugs to you

Gabe

Laury,
These words stood out the most in your post. "I don't feel safe when he's drinking." That is a big red flag. Anytime you don't feel safe, there is a reason for it. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Keep your safety and the safety of your children in mind. Also remember that no matter how much love there is among family members, verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.
Hugs,
Gabe

myselfagain

Dex, as the kids get older they will see what is going on if they haven't already. As my children got older they saw what was going on. Mine are 14 years to 20 years old. I let AH stay way too long and now 2 of my children do not like thier father very much and he is sober now.Think about it, is this what you want for your children?? You have to do what is right for YOU and the KIDS. He was never abusive in any way. Just drunk every single night. That big word JUST.

Cap3

Hi,Laurylady,i can so relate to your post.Im alcoholic and so is my husband.Both sober,by God,s grace and programs.I go to al-anon ,and AA.What struck me in your post was,,i am just not sure when it is time to leave...My own rule of thumb,is when in doubt dont.Please keep in mind that i dont know you.I only know what ive experienced myself.,and reading your posts.I do know that when i get that gut feeling,that,,that feeling never lies to me.,,that deep down gut feeling.Have you thought going for your own recovery in Al-anon?Its a recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.While i was in the mist of things,with feelings/thoughts going all over,with no recovery of my own,,i could not make good decisions.....Have you also thought about al-ateen for the kids?Mine never went,no.But i hear the program is good.My kids went through alot.My kids witness recovery too.They saw to helpless parents,struggle,,to recovery , through God,s grace and programs.Although they never went to any program themselves,,they did pick up on alot of things that we learned,and have read and put into practice alot of what we learned from programs.As we all still do today..We were once a hopeless family,,until we went for recovery,,one day at a time.This is where we are...today....
Thank you for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!

Yreva

It is hard in a different way when the person who scares you when they are drunk doesn't hit you. You think "it's not that bad" because you have heard, or lived thru so much worse....but you have to ask yourself where your boundaries are, and live by them. Also remember your kids learn so much from all this...is this the lesson you want them to learn.
My AH was nice when drunk, but sober he was full of anxiety and depression and always wanted to be away from the family so he could drink. Now that he is gone (almost 3 weeks now) I am noticing how much less yelling and stress there is in our household. He is going to treatment, but I am trying to work through my feelings on our relationship. I am like you and don't want to raise my kids in a "broken" home, but I also see that what I was living with my AH is just as hurtful, if not more.
Thanks- And you take care of yourself---I have found that with him gone I can really think things thru because the craziness settles down.
Di

StandingStrong

Not feeling safe - big red flag.
Your son pushing his father away - big red flag.

I have 3 children. 2 teenagers and a pre-teen. I stayed for many reasons, the kids being a big factor. In hindsite, I often wonder how life would be and how they would have been effected differently by AH's drinking if I had left earlier. Each of my children show signs in different ways, but it's obvious that living with an AH has affected them. However, I'm sure that not living with an addicted parent would also affect them in someways.
One of the things that always worried me is that by my staying, it would teach my son's that it was okay to treat your family in the way that my AH treated us. I was also afraid that my daughter would grow up to accept behaviour that she didn't deserve as she watched me do.

Leaving a spouse, addict or not, is a very tough choice.
However, you stated that you don't feel safe............that is the biggest flag of them all.

laurylady

Thank you for your words of wisdom and kind replies. It is so very hard to tell what is best, having 2 boys, they like to do things with their dad, boy-things. I finally did tell him that I am not going to tolerate his behaviors and drinking any more, that is really affecting me and I cannot be happy with it affecting me the way it does. He took it real hard. He can't believe that I actually would even think of leaving. He is walking around with a sad puppydog face and even cried. He said he would cut way down on his drinking, I can see more problems to come. Thank you for being there for me, I think I will be back very soon.
Laurie

boudrette

I knew there had to be someone out there like me...my kids are 12, 9 and 3. I don't have to explain my relationship because you just did in your post! I really need to do something but I can't get past the feeling that I need to help him. Any advice?

Thanks

Magichappens

Hi bourdette,
Welcome. We can't help them. They have to want help. All we can do is learn to take care of ourself. We tend to want to take care of and fix everyone else in our life, and neglect ourself. If we neglect ourself long enough, we become frantic unhappy people, and what kind of help are we being?
Have you ever considered Al-Anon? It has helped me to heal and grow. It has given me back me self esteem and self worth.
I hope that you will hang around and join our community. It is full of support and many who are learning to deal with the same situations. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. They have some great information. Hugs, Magic

laurylady

Boudrette, I wish I could give you some advice, I am just following my inner voice, it is telling me, no more, no more, no more, all the time. It got so loud that I felt I couldn't ignore it anymore. After reading a bunch of posts on this forum, I felt stronger. The more educated I got the stronger I got. It was a good feeling to know that I am not alone. I am going to AlAnon this week if I can find it in my town.

Then I told him how unhappy I am and have been for a long time. I know that marriages are not supposed to be like this, I know that I don't deserve to live like this. I told him, no more and he is right now trying to win me back, it is not the reaction that I thought he might have. He says he will do anything to keep me and is now telling me how miserable he is, how he can't eat, or sleep or think right. I think he is trying to put the guilt back on my shoulders, but it is really strange, I am not feeling his guilt like usual. It always used to be my pattern to try and fix whatever was wrong with him, I always was the smart one that had the solutions for his problems. But no more, I am not the solution for his problems. He is trying very hard to make me say "I love you and want you forever" but I am being firm, standing my ground, reminding him that if I say I love you because he asks me to, then it doesn't mean anything. I may be handling this all wrong, but this may be of some help to somebody. The reaction you expect after you speak up and say no more, may not be what you get. I am definetely struggling with everything right now.
I wish you all the best, lots of strength and wisdom, you will be able to do what is right, you just have to wait for the right moment. Sometimes think of doing it for the kids and what's best for the kids, it might help.
Much Hugs to you,
Laurie