FeliciaM

I found out a few days ago that "Jay" crashed his car. This is his 4th DUI. He's in big trouble and he knew the ramifications of another DUI. Obviously that was no matter.

Twelve days ago he was arrested. I found out three days ago. His docket for preliminary hearing has been taken down. I can not find him in the prison system.

Is he dead? He wanted to die. I am so distraught.

I will call his attorney's office in the morning, but I don't think they will tell me anything. I don't want to contact him I just need to know how he is. Not where, just how is he.

Why would the docket disappear from the county website??

Hopeworks

They would not take his information down if he were deceased. Did you call the County jail directly? Call and ask for classification or booking and find out if he bonded and if so who with. You can call that bail agency who would know his whereabouts and status of his cases.

Hope that helps.

Carlotta

Check out the neighbouring counties...his case could have been transferred to a different court and also sometimes county jails outsource their inmates to other counties if they are full.

Taking5

4th DUI may be a felony. Where I live felonies are tried in a different court, if that is the way it works where you are they have simply moved his case to another court.

cynical one

The case could have also been dropped due to a technicality.

lillamy

Also: He's your ex. Why are you spending time looking at his court documents?

ResignedToWait

There's probably a good reason...it's quite possible Felicia still has legal involvement with her Ex (custody/divorce/etc), and the knowledge of another DUI would certainly help her side.

dandylion

lillamy...I think it is normal to want to know if someone is alive or dead. I haven't spoken to my children"s father in several decades. Haven't wanted to...very rarely even think about or remember him. YET...something in my human spirit would want to know if he died.....

dandylion

lillamy

I apologize if that sounded harsh; I didn't mean it to -- here's my thinking:

If my ex is getting a 4th DUI, why would I go looking for his court documents? The only reason would be that I'm still hanging on to a relationship that I would be better served to let go of. Unless you go looking, you don't know the docket has disappeared.

I spent a lot of time searching for my ex's criminal records. For me, it was the same behavior as checking his FB account. I couldn't let go. I had this urge that I needed to know what was going on in his life. And it was not healthy for me.

MissFixit

A couple ideas:
1. He or his lawyer changed courts. It is more inconvenient for the arresting officer is case is moved to another locale. My ex used to do that to wear them down to drop his DUIs.
2. It was dropped due to a "deal," but even if it was reduced, it should be in system.
3. It is a felony and was moved to another level of court.

LexieCat

Several possible reasons have been mentioned. Although deceased defendants' cases are eventually dropped from the docket, it isn't like the court gets a phone call from a family member or lawyer (or even the jail) and just deletes the case. There usually has to be a motion, appropriate documentation, and then the court dismisses the case on the record. So it's highly doubtful that he's dead.

His lawyer's office won't tell you "how he is" or where he is (not if they are any good, anyway), but they will probably tell you he's alive. My suggestion is that you let it go. He's an ex. Suppose you find out he's alive and in a rehab or something. What happens then? You send him a card at rehab? You visit him at the jail?

Tracking this info down seems likely to just suck you back into the drama--the very reason you broke up.

BoxinRotz

Exactly! You need to mind your damn business n get well.

POAndrea

In this area, cases are suppressed online when there is an active warrant for the defendant(s). If he's not in the jail, then he may have been released on bond and then subsequently failed to appear for a hearing.

FeliciaM

Thank you for your replies. Evidently it was down for an update, preliminary hearing was continued.

lillamy - I get it and your post was not harsh, it's true. This man is emotionally very sick. I have no intention to EVER contact him. I loved him we had a connection that I can't explain, something very special between us. The grieving process for the end of the "fake" relationship is still real for me. He probably flipped off like a light switch and drank himself numb. I am still working through it. If he were dead. I want to know.

Once I saw the continued date on docket, I was relieved that he is still alive. Yes, he acted like an a---hole and is a jerk.

I was naive and feel stupid for falling in love with him. I walked out on him at least he 5 times, I should have stayed out. But I didn't. I'm annoyed at myself, I wish it didn't matter or he didn't matter.

I am working it through and have nowhere else besides Al-anon and SR to do it.

Thanks again for all your replies and support.

FeliciaM

You are absolutely right. It's NONE of my damned business.

I just found out over the weekend that he crashed his car and is in jail.

I still want to know if he is dead. So give me a break.

lillamy

And those are the best places to work through it. Really.

I found that while "normie" friends and family were well-meaning and loving, their advice wasn't always on the mark. I think it's like that mystical way AA members can reach alcoholics when nobody else can. Other people who have been through loving an addict can understand us like nobody else can.

I'm sorry if you felt attacked, that was not my intent. This is hard, difficult, painful stuff to deal with. (((hugs)))

LexieCat

We get it, totally.

In my own experience, though, doing a little bit of checking up on what's going on with an ex is sort of like what I imagine would happen if I tried to have ONE drink. It sort of starts the obsession back in motion. I'm guessing it's going to be pretty hard not to check back again after the next court date, and the next. I get it, but it really isn't good for you. It's giving him back that space in your head.

I'd do my best, if I were you, to make it a point NOT to keep checking.

Hugs,

BoxinRotz

Every click of the docket will bring you that much closer to him. Keep clicking and wait n see. I'm sorry if you think I'm rude but sometimes, outside views that really jag is what's really needed to get through the briar bush! Now you know he's alive. Next time, check the obits.

FireSprite

Felicia, I get what you are saying but I'm in total agreement with the others that this is just another form of attachment/enmeshment. I think you recognize that as well, but it's easier to know you need to change a habit than to actually DO it. (speaking from MY experience, anyway)

Here's the thing - to me this is the WORST kind of attachment because you are playing your own empathy & compassion against YOURSELF. You are hurting YOU by getting wrapped up in the "what-if's".

Your emotions got twisted & knotted up because of a computer technicality because you're checking on him online when there's NO need to. You already knew he'd been arrested, right? The only reason to go BACK for more info would be that you wanted MORE DETAILS - when is his court appearance, what is he actually being charged with, etc. NONE of which is ANY of your business (as you know). What could you have possibly gained from knowing whatever info "should have" appeared on that website? Absolutely nothing. And while you gain nothing you lose ground on your own recovery twice as fast.

When you didn't find him you started what-if'ing, future-tripping all over yourself & making assumptions & driving your emotions into an even bigger frenzy, probably losing sleep & appetite & the whole 9 yards - you used the word "distraught" to describe it. (Again, raising my hand 'cuz I've BTDT more than once) All for NO reason at all, because no matter what the situation there was nothing for you to do about it in ANY way, right?

I do hope you are feeling better today, putting myself through nights like that used to exhaust me for days afterward.

hopeful4

Ok, you know he is alive. Turn him over to God, there is nothing you can do for him except pray.

As for you, Alanon and SR are great places to help you through this. You are hurting and need support from people who get it, and definitely people at both those places get it. It won't happen overnight, it's a process. Do the best you can do. Don't beat yourself up for being with him, that is the past and you cannot change it. Look to the future and know you deserve to be well.

We are here for you my friend.

XXX