lillamy

You want to know something funny and sad? This post made me start thinking "maybe I should go check if AXH has any new convictions?"

See? It's not just you. As FireSprite says:

Fandy

by your own words, this was NOT a LTR. you dated him for what 8 months on and off.
He obviously does not feel as deeply as you do.

it's been a month since you split up (from what i can gather reading your posts). it wasn't a marriage, you have no children, you have no assets together.

You are not going to heal and move on if you keep obsessing and wondering what he is thinking, doing every minute of the day.

He made his choice and really showed you what is important. Why don't you choose YOU and give up this detective game? it is not helping you heal.

53500

Felicia, I'd want to know if my exH died too. We split up almost 20 years ago. We go for years with no contact. But I'd still want to know if he died and would feel hurt, actually, if I was not told. Crazy, huh?

53500

Felicia, I'd delete that post if I could as I realize it's not particularly helpful or even relevant. I was married 19 years to him. Your post made me think about wanting to know if he was dead and I started rambling "out loud". Sorry.

XXXXXXXXXX

I randomly think to check the recently incarcerated site as well as the state court date site. LOL

FeliciaM

Right on!

News of his arrest just sent me back to the inital brake up last month. I knew he was in trouble and spiraling out of control. My hairdresser is his neighbor. I asked her to let me know if he was hospitalized again, in jail or dead. And she did although she had no details. So I searched. I can't and won't do this to myself.

FeliciaM

Back off Fandy....

I feel bad enough without you belittling the relationship. This is hard enough without your judgement.

FeliciaM

Back off Fandy.

1. You are making false assumptions.
2. I feel bad enough already and don't need you belittling my relationship and judging my experience.

Fandy

How is asking your hairdresser/his neighbor to "let you know" what happens to him going to help you move forward? Do you want to?

no one is "judging" you. but you have started 3 recent threads about this guy. Sometimes people play more into what they WISH than what actually is the truth.

i'll bow out now, but please remember HE broke it off with you.

FeliciaM

Thanks for your support Fandy.

Sungrl

We all do support each other here.

Remember that. Sometimes it's hard to face the truth, even if reality is hitting us square in the nose.

I understand people die, but let's be real, the chances he was really going to turn up dead were pretty slim,you knew that.

I am glad you did not receive bad news and I hope now you can put this behind you and take care of yourself. You don't need the aggravation of following what is going on with him, consider yourself blessed and move on.

hopeful4

People, if you have nothing nice to say please don't say it. I think all of us have made judgement calls that have not been in our own best interest. Everyone gets where they are going in their own time, and until then we are simply here to support and encourage each other.

Felicia, it is so very hard to work through but I know you can do it. The more support you gain from this site and Alanon, you will become stronger and stronger each day.

FireSprite

I went back to read your posts to make sure I am understanding your situation a little better.... this is from your 1st post:

So if I have my facts straight: he was an active alcoholic widowed less than 1 year when you started dating. You've been seeing red flags since the beginning but chose to ignore them because of your "deep connection" & because he has no one else to turn to.

You dated for approx. 8 months during which time he continued to ramp up his drinking & associated behaviors (or, at least, you were just starting to really SEE what had been happening long before you got into this relationship because he stopped hiding his truth).

He is currently in police custody for committing his 4th DUI offense, has literally admitted to you that he will choose alcohol over your relationship & does NOT desire to change. (I think that's actually incredibly honest of him - I don't think most addicts have that kind of awareness about their addiction.)

Despite all of this as well as having no kids together & no marriage to dissolve you are not able to accept letting go. It sounds like your assets & liabilities are separated as well, so no crossover of responsibilities in that area?

It sounds like he has never grieved the loss of his wife & marriage. In one of your posts you even refer to yourself as having "stepped right in to fill the void left by his wife as his caretaker" (in fewer words, lol) As an active alcoholic it's almost impossible for him to have truly grieved vs. drowning his grief. It sounds like you got wrapped up in all of HIS problems and are taking it personally now that he's called it quits.

He tells you he doesn't need you, you insist that he does. He went so far as to go NC and block your number, yet you convince his neighbor to keep you abreast of news related to his actions, the results of which you outlined throughout this thread.

Do you have a history of codependency? It seems hard to imagine a "normie" getting this enmeshed in 8 months time to the point of such advanced codependency. I'm not judging you Felicia, I'm not calling you out here but I'm wondering what else is lurking in your past that is affecting the way you are handling all of this now. To me THAT is what you have to fix, THAT is what you have to identify in order to heal yourself in a way that will allow you to move forward. You don't have to answer it all here, I'm trying to provide you some food for thought....

This really isn't about HIM, do you see? It's about YOU & how YOU process it all, what your expectations are. He's been pretty clear & upfront (inasmuch as any active alcoholic can) and seems to be perfectly fine with HIS decisions & HIS life. YOU are the one sitting with uncomfortable feelings that you don't know what to do with, right?

I DO understand. I DO remember feeling this disassociated when I started my Recovery. You ARE NOT alone.

FeliciaM

He told me he wanted to die. I got him to therapy and on meds. He's also diagnosed with severe pancreatitis. So in my mind, it's not out of the question that he off himself or die from binge drinking.

And you are right. I don't need the aggravation or him. I am blessed with a very good life (absent a partner). I learned my lesson last night. As soon as I found out he was alive all my anger at him rushed back.

I am working it out. This website has been a tremendous help.

LexieCat

See, that's one of the dangers for us: "I got him to therapy and on meds." I'm not being critical--we all want to help people that we care about. But when we do that, it rarely leads to lasting change (because it's something imposed on them by someone else), and worst of all (for us) it gives us that sense of personal affront. "How dare you relapse after all *I've* done for you?"

It's a learning process, and you've just learned some tough lessons. No need to beat yourself up, but take the lessons to heart. Experience that we learn from is never wasted.

FeliciaM

Yes, SpiritFire, I am the one sitting with uncomfortable feelings. I though I knew better. Red flags were everywhere. I choose wrong.

AnvilheadII

this is also a cautionary tale regarding moving too fast in a relationship, trying to take over and manage someone else's life for them and in general becoming too merged with the other person. when we do those things we lose sight of ourselves, where we end and others begin.

NWGRITS

This right here. We can't make them sober. It just doesn't work like that. If love were enough, none of us would be here. You need to understand how your codependency played into the relationship. What you thought was helpful out of love was merely classical codependent behavior, and you still have it in spades. Al-Anon can help tremendously with that. Look, you may think he owes you something, but he doesn't. Not a damn thing. Whenever HE decides that HE WANTS to get better, he'll do it, with or without you. Stop stalking his case and work on you instead.

LexieCat

Grits just said the "s" word--stalking. Worth saying a word or two about.

Regardless of good intentions, repeated contact after someone has told you to "please STOP" can be considered stalking. We tell people here on SR all the time that when the alcoholic refuses to leave them alone, in spite of requests that he do so, consider getting a protective order.

Felicia, I know you care about this guy, but he has a RIGHT to be left alone. He has avoided your calls, ignored the card that you left for him (walking four miles to deliver it, I believe you said), and you were considering calling his lawyer to get information about him AFTER he has asked you over and over to move on.

Now, if you really do care about him, I suggest you respect his wishes. Even if your behavior doesn't QUITE rise to the level of stalking (I doubt he's afraid of you), most courts would consider it harassment. Please show him the same respect you would want someone to show you if you asked them to leave you alone.

Fandy

" I got him into therapy and treatment"
again, you think you have power, but what Lexie said is very true. You do not need to keep tabs on him, he may feel the need to stop you legally.

the point that I was making is that this was probably a much less intense relationship than the "deep connection" you felt. I did not know he blocked you from calling him.

I know that you are older womanwith adult child of your own? maybe it is time to stop worrying if you have a constant BF and work on how you take care of yourself. immersing yourself in someone's life after a short dating time isn't healthy.

you need to be healthy to attract a healthy relationship where it is give andtake both ways. Find friends, go out and do other things, enjoy your family.