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Old 11-18-2014, 03:17 PM
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Ugh

Things seem to be getting better between RAH and me but for some reason I feel so unhappy at times. I am so conflicted internally. I am at an impasse with all of this and right now I don't want to stay involved in all of this. I am feeling stronger, more capable in myself but there is NO relationship left with RAH. It's like we're roommates not a married couple. I really conflicted about this. Why? I would feel like a failure if we split up. I have seen this through thus far and I almost feel like I'm abandoning him. I am afraid of the shitstorm that will ensue from my A father if we divorced. I will never hear the end of it and on a certain level, I am still very fearful of him, although I seem to be making a little progress. When his cyclone of terror is not directed at me, I'm fine but when it is, I feel like a terrified 10 year old girl again. I do not want to have any sort of connection to RAHs FOO again, and if I stay I will be irrevocably connected to them, even if I never talk to them again.

I just feel like anything we ever had is gone. I am not physically attracted to him anymore. Somehow I feel like I would he running away from my problems again and I don't want to do that again. I'm afraid of what will happen to my dogs. Ugh. Idk why this is SO HARD.
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Old 11-18-2014, 03:24 PM
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Well... alcoholism or not, if you're done, you're done.
I mean -- people break up. Marriages fall apart. Maybe you thought things would get better if he got sober and then it turned out that wasn't the case.

You have a right to make the choices for your life that you believe are healthiest.
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Old 11-18-2014, 03:35 PM
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Your father has no legitimate say in whether you remain married (and obviously, you know that). You have every right to stay married or not, and it is ONLY your decision whether to do so.

People get divorced with children. You can figure something out regarding the dogs.

Keep breathing, you don't have to decide anything this minute. Have you talked with a lawyer just to explore your options? That might give you some information to start thinking about how you might divorce if that's what you decide you want. You don't have to actually DO anything, just get some information. Information is power, and it can help a lot to sort out what one option or the other might really MEAN.
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Old 11-18-2014, 04:22 PM
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TerpGal....may I ask....what help/support are you getting (outside of SR..LOL).
It is enormous help to have other, objective people, help sort out our thinking when at an impasse...or are confused as to which direction to take. I am talking about empathetic, experienced individuals, of course.

Lawyer; alanon or similar group; therapist or counselor.

You are a Failure if leave toxic marriage?---absolutely not true!!
You are abandoning him----absolutely not true!!
Fear of your father (at your age)---? insufficient individuation

These are issues that one can work through with therapy and adequate support.

I am glad to hear that you feel a responsibility for your dogs! That is an issue that can be solved when the time comes.

As you face and work through your issues--I think you will find that your unhappiness and i nternal conflicts will vanish. You won't feel trapped, anymore...because you won't feel controlled by others...you will have taken your own power back.

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Old 11-18-2014, 04:32 PM
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I go to al-anon, I have a therapist.........the main thing is the fear of my father, which seems ridiculous but its there. I have made a lot of choices as an adult that I really regret because I was afraid of what he would think.

And then there is this belief that someone needs to *allow* me to make this decision, even though that, too, I know is illogical
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Old 11-18-2014, 05:57 PM
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Thanks for the response, TerpGal. I can see that you are getting help!
Just keep it up.

The one thing that I would say is: I hope your therapist has specialized training in working with abused individuals. It really does take special expertise.

Please try to rid yourself of the belief that to leave a relationship that is harmful to you is a failure. Quite the contrary---it is a failure to STAY in a situation that is not i n your own best interest--it is a failure to YOURSELF! Don't turn your back on yourself.

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Old 11-18-2014, 07:35 PM
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there is this belief that someone needs to *allow* me to make this decision, even though that, too, I know is illogical
Just realizing that you have that thought, and realizing it's illogical, is a good step.
I felt the same way. I felt like he needed to do something that was so bad that everyone would agree that I had the right to leave.

I will also tell you that I was terrified of what my parents would say when I remarried. They're sweet, lovely people -- but at almost 50 years of age, I was still scared that they would disapprove of my decision.
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Old 11-18-2014, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Thanks for the response, TerpGal. I can see that you are getting help!
Just keep it up.

The one thing that I would say is: I hope your therapist has specialized training in working with abused individuals. It really does take special expertise.

Please try to rid yourself of the belief that to leave a relationship that is harmful to you is a failure. Quite the contrary---it is a failure to STAY in a situation that is not i n your own best interest--it is a failure to YOURSELF! Don't turn your back on yourself.

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Yes, my therapist specializes in trauma and addiction. We are going to start EMDR soon, but she doesn't think I am in a "grounded" enough space to begin.
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Old 11-19-2014, 05:19 AM
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Excellent!.....now, I can remember you mentioning this...LOL!

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Old 11-19-2014, 05:33 AM
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Terp, your threads often sound panicky and you jump from one catastrophic thought process to another. Your H just got back from rehab not very long ago, correct? Didn't you just get a new job?

Some of this we call future tripping and you are tripping out on one worst case scenario after another. Your mind is definitely whirling, but it is you worrying it into these must act now freak out now peaks.

Your T wants you grounded so you can work on you.

What did your T recommend to do to get that way? Don't tell us, but write it down and stick it on your fridge, send it to yourself on your smart phone as a repeating calendar reminder, pray or meditate on it. Make it happen.

Whatever T said, that is what your focus should be.

Take care of you.
Take care of dogs.
Go to work.
Sleep.
Exercise.

Do these core things with the input from your T. Get grounded. Let RAH deal with himself. Let the marriage just be for now. It will be there to fix or dissolve 17 mo from now - trust me on that!
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