TerpGal

Things with RAH have vastly improved. He got his 90 day chip yesterday, started a new job that he has been waiting for a year for the position to open. He has been in the collision repair industry for 10 years and part of his stress has always been the 10 and 11 hour days that come along with being as estimator. That and the commission based salary and the fact that a lot of those guys are alcoholics and spend all day talking about how drunk they got last night. He started with a large well known auto insurance company, this time as a outside claims adjustor (he will be appraising auto damage). Its a professional work environment, 9-5, guaranteed paycheck every other week, etc.

I started floor orientation at my new job today and for the first time EVER, I'm thinking, "yeah, I'm good at what I do, I got this". Just the computer systems and policies and procedures are going to take some getting used to. The patients are more challenging too, which I like. Keeps ya busy.

Anyway, I have been making some progress on my relationship with A father as well. In addition to being a binge drinker, he is a very sick codie. He not only wants to control his family and worries himself sick and gets angry.......he does this with EVERYONE even people he doesn't really know. He is bitter and angry and is constantly ranting and raving and was verbally abusive to us growing up. Still is that way with my mom who now has gastritis and bleeding in her stomach from the stress. So on Fri I went over there after work (they live 5 mins or less from my work) mainly b/c I wanted to see my mom and secondly, I was tired and wanted to take a nap. My brother arrives around 7, he and my dad were supposed to leave for a trip to South Bend to watch a Notre Dame game. And of course my father is late, hasn't packed and tearing through the house ranting and raving. Any other time I would immediately tense and become hypervigilant. This time, my brother and I just sat across the table from each other giggling. All I could say was , "smile and relax Dad, it's the weekend and you're alive". I would have been defensive and started arguing with him before. And my mother of course DID argue with him and he just got more agitated. I took her in the next room and just gently told her to ignore him. After he was gone I had a nice time with my mom and didn't realize how long I had been there until I looked at my phone and realized it was 10 pm. So, other than him calling me fat, which honestly did bother me a lot, it was a pretty big victory.

LexieCat

Nice going! And really FANTASTIC you were able to use your recovery to help your mom. I think when we start getting better it rubs off on lots of other people in a positive way. Even if it doesn't do the alcoholic any good, our positive attitude makes us much more able to be present for other people in our lives.

Hope everything continues to go well for you and your husband with the new jobs (AND the recovery)!

SeriousKarma

That's great TerpGal. Those "small victories" add up over time, and I think it's important to recognize them for what they are.

Why do you think you where able to keep from having the typical hyper vigilant reaction this time? Was it just that you feel good about your new job, and are thus more relaxed in general? Or do you think it was something else?

TerpGal

That's a good question. I do think I'm definitely feeling less stressed in my new job and moreconfident in my abilities, but I do think the confidence has more to do with the work I've put into Al Anon, coming here, and with my therapist. My father has been a recent topic of discussion in therapy and I've come to see him in a more different light. I also think that I have come to accept that he is who he is and he will never be the type of father that I want him to be (or that I deserve, frankly). It helped to have my brother there. He has gotten so sick that his behavior has become almost comical. There is no way to look at the man and NOT realize he is very, very sick.

I will say a bit of that old stuff came up when he basically called me fat. I was thinking about how disgusting I am for a few days. There are still some things that just get to me.

SeriousKarma

My daughter's been working through this issue of acceptance. I try to step back as much as possible and let her sort it out for herself, but she has no brothers or sisters, so I'm the only one who knows the cr@p he's pulled. Part of me wants her to tell him to go to h*ll, part of me wants her to maintain a relationship with him. In the end she's the one who'll have to decide. It's a balancing act for the both the us.

Adults like yourself that have been through (are still going through) this are a big source of strength for her. Just wanted to let you know that.

LvWrAM123

Yea! Good for you! Love it when we can put what we are learning into practice in multiple areas of our loves!

CodeJob

Way to go Terp!