Counseling Tonight--Bring on the Prayers and Positive Vibes
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Counseling Tonight--Bring on the Prayers and Positive Vibes
My AH and I will be seeing the counselor again tonight. This will be our second joint session, after we each saw the counselor individually following our initial joint visit. The counselor is a marriage counselor who is also a certified drug and alcohol counselor, and I have been 100% up front about my firm belief that the marriage has no hope of being saved while my AH is still drinking, and that I do not believe my AH is ready to quit. The counselor agrees whole-heartedly about the first point, and agrees that at this stage, my AH is not ready to quit. The counselor is aware that I am looking to these sessions to help pave the way for my imminent departure, and to provide a safe place for me to make the revelation.
During my individual session, the counselor let me know that we will be spending most, if not all, of this session talking about my AH's drinking.
Friends, as hard as I have worked in my recovery, and as far as I have come, I am starting to freak out big time about this appointment. My AH is going to flip his sh*t when it becomes apparent that that the appointment will be focused on him and his drinking. Even now, I feel a lot of anxiety and agitation when I worry that a meltdown is coming. I know I have no control over how he behaves or how he reacts, and my plan for myself is to just observe as much as possible (rather than interjecting with my own opinions every five seconds). I will say the serenity prayer to myself, and call on my HP to walk with me in those moments to keep me calm. And if the time has come for me to make the break, then so be it. I ask my HP to help me through that moment in a way that will allow me to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean.
During my individual session, the counselor let me know that we will be spending most, if not all, of this session talking about my AH's drinking.
Friends, as hard as I have worked in my recovery, and as far as I have come, I am starting to freak out big time about this appointment. My AH is going to flip his sh*t when it becomes apparent that that the appointment will be focused on him and his drinking. Even now, I feel a lot of anxiety and agitation when I worry that a meltdown is coming. I know I have no control over how he behaves or how he reacts, and my plan for myself is to just observe as much as possible (rather than interjecting with my own opinions every five seconds). I will say the serenity prayer to myself, and call on my HP to walk with me in those moments to keep me calm. And if the time has come for me to make the break, then so be it. I ask my HP to help me through that moment in a way that will allow me to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs and prayers. Maybe you could make a backup plan to stay at a friend's house if things go too far south? Or have a bag packed so you could go stay at a motel?
Hopefully nothing like that would be necessary, but there's no reason you should have to deal all night with someone who is yelling or slamming things around (I don't know what he does when he "flips his sh*t").
Hopefully nothing like that would be necessary, but there's no reason you should have to deal all night with someone who is yelling or slamming things around (I don't know what he does when he "flips his sh*t").
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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I do have an emergency plan. Our son will be spending the evening with friends, who are aware of what is going on. The mom is a dispatcher for the local police department, and the little guy and I can just stay there tonight if needed.
Thank you all so much for the positivity!
Thank you all so much for the positivity!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
WTG in the planning department. You've done your part. You've got all these prayers (and I know you've got your own sent). The hardest part is letting go of the outcome.
I KNOW you can do it. Courage.
I KNOW you can do it. Courage.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wisconsin....If I may ask....specifically what kind of "meltdown" behaviors do you fear?
Do you think that he will retaliate toward you after you leave the sessions?
In case things don't go well, in this respect....I think it would behove you to have detailed safety or exit plans ready.
We can help you with these plans, if you would like. I realize that you may h ave already been thinking along these lines.....
I can appreciate you high anxiety level, though. After all, you have been dreading this for a long time. Thank heavens you have this counselor to help you. Remember that this person is knowlegable and experienced in handling alcoholics, and will know what to do. It will be your job to take care of your safety plans after you leave the office.
I will be thinking of you. (sometimes, the dread is worse than the actual event!).
Please let us know, if you can...how it goes tonight.....
dandylion
Do you think that he will retaliate toward you after you leave the sessions?
In case things don't go well, in this respect....I think it would behove you to have detailed safety or exit plans ready.
We can help you with these plans, if you would like. I realize that you may h ave already been thinking along these lines.....
I can appreciate you high anxiety level, though. After all, you have been dreading this for a long time. Thank heavens you have this counselor to help you. Remember that this person is knowlegable and experienced in handling alcoholics, and will know what to do. It will be your job to take care of your safety plans after you leave the office.
I will be thinking of you. (sometimes, the dread is worse than the actual event!).
Please let us know, if you can...how it goes tonight.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Love ya, Dandy!
Meltdown behaviors are typically shouting and name calling and insults. Declarations that I have ruined his life, and our son's life. Sweepingcriticisms of my physical appearance. Stuff that I know, in the long run, doesn't really mean anything, but it's still hard for me to hear. And as I come to the end of my rope with all of this crap, I am less and less willing to sit and listen to it, even when I know it's not really about me.
Meltdown behaviors are typically shouting and name calling and insults. Declarations that I have ruined his life, and our son's life. Sweepingcriticisms of my physical appearance. Stuff that I know, in the long run, doesn't really mean anything, but it's still hard for me to hear. And as I come to the end of my rope with all of this crap, I am less and less willing to sit and listen to it, even when I know it's not really about me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Of course, it is hard to hear! It is designed to intimidate you and deflate your confidence and self-esteem....in addition to take the spotlight off of him!
You are perfectly entitled to detach from him when he starts...even if it m eans that you leave the house.
It may turn out that you might have to exit before your origional plan. You will just have to play it by ear and use your best judgement. I know that you can do that.
dandylion
You are perfectly entitled to detach from him when he starts...even if it m eans that you leave the house.
It may turn out that you might have to exit before your origional plan. You will just have to play it by ear and use your best judgement. I know that you can do that.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wisconsin, you KNOW my thoughts are with you tonight. I'm glad you have a plan in case things get out of hand.
I don't know if you're familiar with the mountain meditation, but I hope you can feel like that tonight--strong, serene, grounded, allowing the storms, winds and snow to pass over while leaving you untouched, unmoved, at your center.
(((((HUGS)))))
Let us know how you are afterwards.
I don't know if you're familiar with the mountain meditation, but I hope you can feel like that tonight--strong, serene, grounded, allowing the storms, winds and snow to pass over while leaving you untouched, unmoved, at your center.
(((((HUGS)))))
Let us know how you are afterwards.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thanks, all. I am on my way home now. The counselor did a good job of intervening everytime my AH started to get agitated.there was an unsurprising amount of deflection in blame placed on me for stuff.I had to leave the room for a few minutes at one point, but I'm glad I did because I was honoring my own feelings on the situation.
I'm going home and taking 2 Benadryl and going to bed. I could definitely feel everybody's support and good wishes with me tonight. Thanks again so much.
I'm going home and taking 2 Benadryl and going to bed. I could definitely feel everybody's support and good wishes with me tonight. Thanks again so much.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Nice work W.
As you know if you've been in recovery for a while, the most loving thing this counselor can do is strongly suggest Alcoholics Anonymous to your husband. He should then get out of As way until A is attending on a regular basis.
A can't "hear".
Only an alcoholic with a real solution can touch another alcoholic.
The "identification process" is vital to opening up A's ears, mind and heart.
As you know if you've been in recovery for a while, the most loving thing this counselor can do is strongly suggest Alcoholics Anonymous to your husband. He should then get out of As way until A is attending on a regular basis.
A can't "hear".
Only an alcoholic with a real solution can touch another alcoholic.
The "identification process" is vital to opening up A's ears, mind and heart.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thanks again, everyone. We drove separately to/from the session (which we do all the time), so there was no chilly ride home. About 30 minutes after I got home with our son, I was hit with a massive, horrible migraine. Feeling MUCH better this morning, though.
We were able to agree on a few things at the session, which set my mind at ease. My AH completely and totally flips out if I "walk away" from him in an argument. With the counselor's help, we were able to establish some indicator words for me to use when I need to leave a conversation. Do I think this will stop my AH from flipping out when I walk away from an argument? No. But I feel like we're laying some ground rules in counseling that the therapist will enforce while we are in his office, which will make it easier for me to raise difficult issues while we're there.
The therapist also agreed with me that we should not be having ANY of these "discussions" (read: fights) in front of the children right now, because our communication skills are so bad. I have been saying this for YEARS, and my AH always comes back with "it's important for kids to see parents talking." Well...yes, if the parents can talk to each other in a healthy way. Anyway, again...I don't necessarily think this will actually stop my AH from trying to fight with me in front of the kids, but I left the appointment feeling validated on that issue.
It was pretty easy for me to see where the therapist is going with the drinking issue. There were times when my AH said the most ridiculous, insane things about drinking in general that part of me wanted to stand up and scream, but I just sat there and called upon my HP. At this point, the drinking is between my AH and the counselor--all that matters to me is whether he's working a sobriety program (which he's not, of course). I'm just working like heck to stay on my side of the street and take care of my own stuff. I also felt like the counselor was framing issues for us in a way that might be less designed to save a marriage that can't be saved, and more designed to make these appointments about negotiating our split in the least dramatic way possible. My AH and I didn't talk much last night or this morning, which is fine with me.
Anyhoo...I could absolutely feel the prayers and positive thoughts with me, and they were so, so appreciated.
We were able to agree on a few things at the session, which set my mind at ease. My AH completely and totally flips out if I "walk away" from him in an argument. With the counselor's help, we were able to establish some indicator words for me to use when I need to leave a conversation. Do I think this will stop my AH from flipping out when I walk away from an argument? No. But I feel like we're laying some ground rules in counseling that the therapist will enforce while we are in his office, which will make it easier for me to raise difficult issues while we're there.
The therapist also agreed with me that we should not be having ANY of these "discussions" (read: fights) in front of the children right now, because our communication skills are so bad. I have been saying this for YEARS, and my AH always comes back with "it's important for kids to see parents talking." Well...yes, if the parents can talk to each other in a healthy way. Anyway, again...I don't necessarily think this will actually stop my AH from trying to fight with me in front of the kids, but I left the appointment feeling validated on that issue.
It was pretty easy for me to see where the therapist is going with the drinking issue. There were times when my AH said the most ridiculous, insane things about drinking in general that part of me wanted to stand up and scream, but I just sat there and called upon my HP. At this point, the drinking is between my AH and the counselor--all that matters to me is whether he's working a sobriety program (which he's not, of course). I'm just working like heck to stay on my side of the street and take care of my own stuff. I also felt like the counselor was framing issues for us in a way that might be less designed to save a marriage that can't be saved, and more designed to make these appointments about negotiating our split in the least dramatic way possible. My AH and I didn't talk much last night or this morning, which is fine with me.
Anyhoo...I could absolutely feel the prayers and positive thoughts with me, and they were so, so appreciated.
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