Finally filed today
 

Twenty-one months since starting here and Alanon after finding out his "AA attendance" for the previous 4 years was bogus, and he'd been continuing to hide his drinking, smoking and raiding of our savings to pay for it.

Eighteen years after marrying him and spending all but the first 6 months being filled w/lies about smoking and drinking, plus lies about other things that it made no sense to even lie about in the first place.

Twenty years after meeting him and thinking I'd found my "savior", my safe warm place in the sun.

Fifty-four years after being born to an ACoA mom who never sought help for herself, and thus passed on the legacy of dysfunctional relationships. I see now that I never had the slightest idea what a healthy relationship looked like.

We were married at the county courthouse, and I have not set foot back there until today, when I filed for divorce.

I've swung wildly between exhilaration, mind-numbing doubt, emotional exhaustion and nauseating fear. I'm just drained. But get this--I got in the car to drive home and turned on the radio, just for some other kind of noise in my head. You cannot believe what song came on--"Won't Get Fooled Again" by the Who. I found myself bellowing "we won't get fooled again!" along w/ Roger and Pete. And I'm sure I will get fooled again, at some points, but I hope not in the same ways and I sure hope not for as long!

When I told him yesterday that I wanted to go thru w/the filing, I got no response other than "well, you have to do what you have to do" followed by a somewhat annoyed "do you love me?" This morning, I told him I needed him to sign the papers (pro se divorce) and I would file them this AM. He did so, and I asked if there was anything he wanted to say or share. Nope.

You know, I'm way past the point of thinking this will "wake him up" or of wanting him to make some effort to "save" things. But I guess I'm still taken aback that he has nothing--not a G**damn thing--to say! Not even a simple "I'm sorry we're at this point." Not even "F you and good riddance." Nada.

We may end up living here as roommates for a while. I could see that happening. I really don't have a problem w/him making the choices he does, just as long as I'm not tied to the results of those choices along with him. I don't know what will happen once things are finalized, but I'm trusting more will be revealed.

And as a note to myself: On the way home, I started thinking about all the forms still to be filled out, including the financial disclosure, and what a pain in the a$$ it was going to be to find all our info. Then it occurred to me that I only had to find HALF the info. The other half is HIS, and he can damn well find it himself.

I want to thank all of you here for getting me to the point where I could say "enough is enough" and not keep on endlessly thinking "well, he's trying" and "well, really, how much can I ask of him?" and so on. He sure had plenty of brainpower and energy to figure out how to hide his drinking, his smoking and his stealing of our savings! Is it really so outrageous to imagine he could put that same amount of effort into his recovery? No excuses. "Rigorous honesty", for me as well as him, is the only way.

I'm off to go soak in a hot bath, maybe w/some lavender oil. I need to relax and recharge; tomorrow is work, and Thanksgiving draws near. Bakery people nationwide tremble in fear...

I cannot say how all of you here have helped me to change my life, my perspective and my hopes. Bless you all.

You are strong, Honeypig! And your future is bright!

Ooooh,

Big hugs, sweetie!!! I'm so proud of you. In all ways--you have made such stunning progress!

I did share the house with my (sober--then and now) first husband for a few months for practical, child-care reasons. The way I put it to him then was, "As long as you don't make it too difficult to stay, I will stay." He only lost it one time (threw a phone--not at me--when he was very angry), and it worked out fine. He even loaned me his van when it was time for me to move out.

Can't say how it will work out for you, but fingers crossed. If it gets too difficult I have a hundred percent confidence you will figure out a solution.

Big hugs, now go knock off for the rest of the day. :)

*hugs* keep your head up Hun, it will get better.

((((((((hp)))))))))

You sound SO strong & centered!!!! I am REALLY happy for you!

(you can ignore my pm..... we were posting at the same time, lol)

Honeypig,

I hope things remain calm as you process the legality of what your heart has long processed. Peace and hugs!

HP's HP knew what to get the DJ to put on. Gotta love that little wink from the Universe, right? :)

You sound calm and strong, even if you're not feeling it. Hope your bath is nice and relaxing!

Oh Honey, I am sorry it has come to this, but glad you will be free of this in your future b/c you deserve so so so much more. We love you, we support you in every single way!

For now, just enjoy the peace of having made a difficult decision and putting that much behind you.

Tight hugs! XXX

Honeypig, There's really only one thing I can say that:

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Is that not one of the greatest screams in the rock'n'roll world? I LIVE for that scream whenever that song comes on!

hugs!!!!

Honeypig...I used to put on that song to lift my mood....and dance around like a wild, crazy thing!!!!

I have to laugh at the bakery people, nationwide, trembling! I am sooo grateful for bakery people, everywhere!! Thank you for my store-bought pies!

About continuing as roomates.....I have seen a few do it longterm....but, I think that was when the fire had completely gone out for both of them at the same time, and there were few, of any, residual resentments.
For most...it may last for a short while..but, one or the other eventually wants to end it because there are so many triggers everywhere......
Going to totally platonic roomates is a difficult transition....

Might work for a while, though.....

dandylion

***I want to just say that I'll bet that he has not been one to easily verbalize his emotional feelings.....hence, his closed-mouthed reaction to this......

Amen, thank you bakery people! My little DD took cupcakes for her birthday treat to school today, cutest ladybugs ever! Thankful for the bakery people for doing such great work and putting them on display since I waited til the last min!

XXX

My favorite blues lady sings my favorite "moving on" song.



Go You!

Oh Honeypig...sending you big giant ((HUGS)). I can only imagine the varying feelings you have about all of this. But in the end, you have worked HARD at your own recovery (and continue to do so). That is the miracle and the blessing.

Much love to you, my wonderful friend.

Whoa it probably feels a bit weird and empty too

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/73...8d4deec8d9.jpg

Honeypig ((hugs))

Remember we break our lives down into before this and after this. And I know your after this is going to be just fine!!!

Thanks for these houndies! And yes, there is an emptiness, and concern for how both of us will deal...

I think you are amazing Honeypig :grouphug: