ExpatWife

I posted this in the main Newbie page, but maybe Ihave to post ithere, too?

wow.

Sitting here with tears running down my cheeks.

Long, LONG story (isn't everyones?!), but in short, my husband is drinkng himself and our marriage to death.

On the outside, I have everything, but once he starts.......

I live in a small 3rd World city, with no services for alcoholics. None. I hope to find online support here.

ThankYou,

EW

maia1234

You can get all the support u need right here. It's ok that there is no outside help. You need to keep reading and educating yourself. This forum is amazing. You will be ok.

ExpatWife

I'm terrified.

FindingPeace1

Welcome. Good for you for searching for us, finding us, and posting.
What are you terrified of, my dear?

marie1960

you are not alone, we are here to support you.

post all you want, we are here and listening, friend.

ExpatWife

In no particular order, I'm terrified of:

the future, y'all not understanding my specific circumstances, being judged, people in my incredibly small community finding out, the fact that ANYONE replied made me cry (again!), I'm terrified of the fact I'm crying, burying him, tonight (we've got a social obligation).

And that's just for starters.

marie1960

Even for those who live the ultimate of "healthy" lives, the future is not a guarantee/promise.

I can assure you there is no judgement here, you are safe to speak your mind.

Is there anything about your situation that you would like to share?

Alaskachick

I don’t have great advice since I am one of those on SR with a drinking problem, but I can offer endless support when needed. I started drinking when my twenty year marriage went bad, so I can understand how overwhelming your situation feels.

I remember reading something like this when I was at my lowest point: “The devil you don’t know is often scarier that the devil you do know”. Uncertainty can be extremely frightening, so the best thing you can do right now is educate yourself on alcoholism and addiction as well as codependency. Al-Anon does offer on-line support and is a great resource. I believe knowledge is power and you need to learn about what you’re up against as the spouse of an alcoholic.

There are so many other women on SR who have experienced what you’re experiencing and they can be one of your best resources as well. I’m sending you a hug from the “Last Frontier”.

ExpatWife

Wow, where do I start?

I've done quite a lot of reading online about alcoholism,and I'm confused. I realise he has to hit rock bottom, and I know that our situation is going to sound like I'm not committed to my own self-care, but where we live,there is literally NO-ONE I can share with, NO-ONE I can go to, and no way Ican get out.

We live in a small town in Papua New Guinea. No AA, No Al-Anon. There's barely even a hospital here, and they are overwhelmed with TB and cholera, so have no facilities for dealing with alcoholism. There is no detox.

We literally live in the middle of the jungle.

What there IS a lot of here, is sanctioned over-drinking.

I'm up here dependant on his visa, so if he goes, I go. There are no safe houses for expat women (Aside, there are none for local women, either).

If word got out that he was an alcoholic, and people knew our marriage was in trouble, he'd lose his 'repuation" (for want of a better word), and up here, your reputation is what gets you and keeps you employed.

He's the CEO of a large multinational, employed predominantly because of his contacts up here (think business deals done on golf courses, and over drinks in clubs).

And I sleep with one eye open every night.

ExpatWife

Thanks for the hugs, alaskachick. One right back at you from Deepest, Darkest Papua New Guinea.

Alaskachick

There are “electronic” meetings on the Al-Anon website. That may be a good place to start.

Sleeping with “one eye open every night” does not sound good. If you don’t feel safe would a contrived “family emergency back home” allow you to leave? (Just a crazy thought.) Please keep posting to let us know how you’re doing.

ExpatWife

I've justjo in an online Al Anon meeting. Is it going to be all happyclapper stuff?

and the "one eye open" thing... It's not that he's violent, he has crzy dreams after drinking, and flails around a lot. Some times he connects. he also gets crzy ranty and verbally abusive in hissleep.

Alaskachick

What I’ve learned from SR is that while you may not be able to change the behavior of the alcoholic, you can change the way that you interact with them when they’re drinking. I’ve heard that Al-Anon provides friends and family members with the tools they need in order to better cope with a loved one who drinks. And while I’ve heard mixed reviews about AA, I’ve heard nothing but good things about Al-Anon. An electronic meeting may not be as effective as a face to face meeting, but I’d say it’s worth a try. What do have to lose?

SeriousKarma

Hi Expat,

I'm so glad you found us. If there's one thing a lot of us here can relate to, it's that awful sense of isolation that living in a house with active addiction can bring. A person can be in the middle of the jungle, or the middle of the worlds biggest city. It doesn't matter. It's horribly lonely.

Just know that you are not alone. (((((( hugs ))))))

LexieCat

Hi, Expat,

Is leaving an option for you? Moving back to your home country where there is support for you (Al-Anon, your own family and friends)?

I know you might not be ready to do that, but it might be worth considering and planning for if things get too unbearable. Even a temporary separation might give you some breathing room to figure out, in a more supportive environment, what you really want from your marriage, and whether you want to continue with it. Could you plan a vacation or take an "emergency" trip back home? What would be the obstacles for you in doing something like that? Do you have access to funds?

Just throwing out some ideas, here. You have options you may not have considered.

lillamy

Hey there,

Listen -- you are NOT alone. Matter of fact, this is not an uncommon problem for people in your (and your husband's) situation. I have a good Al-Anon friend who's the wife of a guy moving around from country to country doing whatever it is he does for his company. I honestly forget where they are right now, but I know they were both able to get help when he hit rock bottom. Let me contact her and I'll get back to you and let you know what resources she found when things were really bad for them. (((hugs)))

lillamy

I got a quick response -- she said there are no English al-anon meetings where she is right now (Vietnam), but other countries where she's lived do have some. She also said she really feels for you, because i t can be really hard and isolating especially if she is in a country with a huge drinking culture...

Not much help there, but... at least you know you're not alone.

mfanch

Welcome ExpatWife. You can call me ExpatDaughter. We were living in a 3rd world country when my dad hit bottom. He was a well-respected executive in a large company also ($$$$). My mom, a housewife with no resources, finally made some long distance phone calls and got the ball rolling to get her herself and her kids out of there. Life/safety and recovery is more important than career, even though it may not seem that way. My mom left with nothing but some clothes and her kids.

We got on a plane and went to the states, staying with some relatives at first. My mom got the help she needed, and got a divorce. Things were hard at first, but they got better.

My story has a happy ending...my dad is now 33 years sober. He says that in retrospect, my mom leaving is the best thing that ever happened to him as it was his wake-up call. He didn't think that at the time. He was very angry and controlling. Thankfully he chose sobriety and the rest is history. He is remarried and now retired.

You are not alone and not the first. There IS help for you. Reach out and take action.

Glad you are here. PM if you need to. :-)

mfanch

FeelingGreat

Hi Expatwife, you're living in a situation where your options are severely limited and it sounds like life is becoming unbearable, so please give some thought to leaving. Your husband's reputation depends on him, not you, and you can't sacrifice your sanity to it, when he doesn't care enough to get help. You are not the guardian of his life or job, but you are for your own welfare.
Although you can't stop him drinking, you can sleep in another room when he's flailing about and be quite truthful about why you're doing it.
Have you spoken to him about getting counselling or help? I'm guessing he doesn't want anyone to know, but secrecy is one of the biggest enablers of alcoholics and as you say, he's heading for a big fall.
Some of the things you've said hint at some physical violence. If this is the case there's no 'can't' about leaving. If the only way to leave is to head home or to another country, then please consider it very seriously.
Come to SR for support - there are many people here who have coped with seemingly hopeless situations and have thrived.

Refiner

Hi, ExpatWife... I just wanted to say hi and welcome and that you've found a GREAT resource here on this forum. I understand your resources are limited. Please read the stickies and get educated on what's going on and learn that there is very little you can do that is going to get him to stop or change. He has to want it for himself. I agree with another that this could be a wake up call when you leave the environment and come back to your home country. Do you have parents back home? Siblings? Perhaps they could help you contrive a story that helps you get back home. Even if you tell your husband it's just temporary to get it to happen. The go home and get YOUR head on straight with support groups, etc. Best wishes...