maia1234

EW- I am sorry that you are here, but we are all here because we love an Alcoholic. First off no one will tell you what to do. We will all make suggestions on how we did something or what we read worked for other people. So you are working at your own pace and don't feel any pressure to do something you are not ready to deal with.

Our main concern is your safety. I am glad that you don't fear him hurting you. What you will learn is how to engage or not to engage with an active A. You have to remember when you are dealing with an A, you and him are speaking a different language when he is drinking. So he doesn't understand you and you don't understand him. So least is best when he is drunk. This way no major fights if you don't engage. Second of all, if he tries to engage, let him WIN. It really doesn't matter as he won't remember the fight from the night before anyway and who really cares if he wins. Just say you are sorry and lets forget it. This way your home will be a little more peaceful as who really cares about what he is angry at, at that moment.

I know its a lot easier said then done, but keep reading, reach out if something happens and ask for help. You have so many people that care about you from this forum alone. We are all dealing with stuff in our own way. These women/men here will become your best friends.

They love you, and I love you!! I read one of your comments about that you were surprised someone even responded. I felt that way 11 months ago. I couldn't even lift my head up and look people in the eye. My self worth was SO low, and he did that to me!! In the last 11 months, I have sold my home (by owner) bought a town home (myself) and divorced my husband of 26 years. (34 years together) I have never been on my own (started dating him when I was 15 years old) I am now!! I still love my XAH, but I need to love him from a distance. Until he works a program and gets sober there is no "us". Because of the support from all these AMAZING people you can do anything you want.

Take your time, (don't force a solution). Sit back and see what transpires. Take your time and breath, you are at the right place.

Try and keep your head up high, because hundreds of us are supporting you, AND YOU WILL BE OK!!!! ((((((((((((((((((((((expatwife))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))

hopeful4

Hello, and a very warm welcome to you. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but so very glad you are here.

Is there anywhere for you to go while he is active drinking around you? I don't mean for good, just to get away from him during that time. I did that with my X husband for quite some time. He would drink so I would take my kids to go and do things. Now, I realize I live in a different place, just thinking I guess. If you do decide you want out, how far is the nearest Embassy that may be able to assist you?

In the mean time, you will find tons of support here at SR. So many come from hard times and can relate to what you are going through.

I remember when my X would drink and in bed would flail around and it was miserable. Can you sleep on the couch or go to another room? That is what I would do most times. Better yet, I would get him to leave the bed, but he was a fairly cooperative drunk.

Please keep posting. We support you, you are NEVER alone!

Tight Hugs!

Jenibean87

I actually see several options available to you, but they require that either your husband is really committed to getting well, or that you are.

Option #1 is that he takes advantage of his well-paying position and requests a leave of absence for treatment. He (and you, if you want) can then travel to the nearest major city offering services, or even travel "home" for a time to find an inpatient facility.

Option #2 is that, regardless of what he wants to do, you can travel to get away from him and get yourself I'm a healthier environment. This may mean staying with friends and family either in New Guinea or wherever home is.

Option #3 is to seek private counseling in some form--there are plenty of counselors who will do skype, and plenty of resources on the internet to help YOU. I'm not positive AA will exactly function as it's supposed to if done remotely, but counseling for your own benefit certainly can.

If he is serious about getting help, looking into his company's policies on LoAs and into what his insurance will cover is a great first step. Insurance providers can also get you in contact with the closest facility to help. A few simple phone calls can start to point you in the right direction.

Good luck to you, and remember that while you want him to get well, you need to protect you first.

Jenibean87

A quick internet search shows that Port Moresby General does have a psychiatry department. Maybe call them and see what services are offered?

Refiner

Btw, ExpatWife... I work in global capacity in the home office of a very large company and deal with expats all the time and this is not that unique. The spouse's of the men sometimes don't come to begin with or they will end up leaving after a few months and head on home and it's usually to do with the alcohol over-consumption that becomes the norm (with all the other "fun" that comes with it).

ExpatWife

we've been up here morethan 5 years. Our lifeis here. MY life is here. I don't want to leave. But living apart has its own issues.

I tld him last night that Ijoined here, and Al Anon. he was shocked. Itold him my first goal was to come to terms with thefact I cannot control his illness, and I cant love him into sobriety any more than Icanlove him into not being a diabetic. I've made it very clear that my journey is abot me, not him.

He's joined an online support group for Alcoholics, pretty much set uptowork with men in his position.

We'll see.

Refiner

That sounds like a good plan, ExpatWife! Sounds like he's paying attention and isn't in complete denial, too. Very cool start!?

WMJ1012

AA has services for alcoholics who are living in remote areas including the Grapevine newsletter and Big Books written in scores of languages. The Big Book is the most important tool though. If he can get a copy and read it he might feel some hope.

Is there Alanon near you?

maia1234

Way to Go!!! That sounds awesome. But you have to remember to take care of your side of the street and leave him alone. It is his battle not yours. You have enabled him for a very long time so you have a lot of work to do on yourself. If he chooses to stop drinking or work a program let him, if he chooses not to that's ok too.
You have to make youself healthy and build up your self esteem. Lot of changes happen when one person changes in the marriage. Sounds like you are off to a good start. (more then my xah has ever done. The day before our divorce, he did tell me he was SORRY for his drinking. Thats all I got)

Good luck to you, and keep working on yourself and conquer the world!! (haha)

I have put you in my prayers!!

lillamy

I'm so glad you've found some resources. It's very lonely to be the wife of an alcoholic even if you're stateside and have your choice of Al-Anon meetings. I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you're already focusing on YOU and not on HIM. Sometimes, I think that's a scary notion for an A, that you're not going to try to fix him -- that means that responsibility rests squarely on his shoulders...

hopeful4

Good for you!!!!

Hopeworks

Welcome Expatwife!

Maybe you can't get to meetings but I promise you there is a wealth of information out there and resources on the web for both yourself and your husband. Not only are there online meetings but there is also thousands of online speakers for both AA and alanon.

There are also lots of huge gatherings, roundups, retreats that you could seek out for a weekend or even a full week. If you have the funds you could fly to an area and do one on one counseling with a professional well versed in addiction nd codependency. There are counselors and even sponsors who will work with you and your husband online.

Here is the link to XA speakers alanon page. You can see which messages are the most downloaded and many are "classics" and some are very funny (in a weird tragic way we learn to laugh at the absurdities of how twisted we can all become for our "love" of either the drink or the A)

YOu are on a journey of self discovery and freedom... its not a race and more will be revealed. As you heal and grow your husband will continue to respond...already you are seeing a positive result of your sharing your concerns.

Keep coming back... here is the alanon speakers link:
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!