Don't give up!
 

I have not been on this site for a while but I just wanted to return and give something back because of all the times it kept me going when I was in the depths of despair.

3 years ago my ex-AH's drinking and abuse had got to the point I felt I had to do something. I told him I was leaving him for another man. Looking back I was in no state to do that but I thought it would shock him into recovery. It did not. His reaction was a very young new gf and to file for divorce. I was absolutely devastated.

Like many wives and gf's here I was humiliated and hurt. I started Al-anon and also went to Womens Aid for counselling and started trying to live my own life.

What I found was that his behaviour towards me got worse and worse - he was horrible, insulting and hurtful. Nothing changed until I detatched from him. I lived in a dark and painful abyss but I held on to Al-anon and slowly started to put the focus on myself, my career and making a lovely new home. I found as I got better the relationship I had with our two children got better. I started to have times which were not just free from pain but in which I felt excited about doing new things and actually happy and content for the first time in a long long time.

As I have got better things for him have got worse. They sink lower and lower without help and drink more just to be able to stand their world.

2 years ago I would have given anything and I mean anything for him to come back to me and try again. Now while I have no wish to see him suffer I see how futile that would have been.

I have now come out of the denial that the 27 years of marriage we had were great - they were not, they were awful and I would not go back to them for anything.

In recovery we often feel like we are not getting anywhere but eventually staying out of the alcoholic situation will start to have rewards and benefits.

It is possible to be happy again all you have to do is show up for your own recovery. Go to your meetings, do your readings and see the alcoholic for what they are - a very very sick person.

I look better and younger than I did five years ago! I do yoga. I have lovely meals, I laugh, I see my very few but trusted Al anon friends. I don't associate with anybody or anything that is toxic to me. I work for myself and I enjoy my job. I have the money now to treat myself! The bad days still come but I just sit with my feelings and try to hold on to my new behaviours. It is definitely a much better place to be. Thank you all.

Thanks for taking the time to update us here. It's great to hear that you've moved on thru the pain and sadness to the peace and happiness on the other side. I just told my A today that I am going to file for divorce, and reading a post like yours helps me keep the fear and doubts at bay.

:You_Rock_ Great job, so glad to hear you're doing well.

Thank you for such an uplifting post! I am glad you have a happy, peaceful life. xoxo

wow honey, BRAVO! :c011::c011:

Wow, that was very inspirational, thanks so much for sharing!

Thanks for the inspirational post!!!! This is exactly what many who post here need to hear!!!!

Thank you and keep up the good work!

Thanks for sharing. I have been divorced 17 days. Just coosed on my town home last Friday. So I am at the very early stages. I have been very busy so no time to miss him. But tonight had a few tears. I know my marriage was toxic bit still love him today. Maybe one day he will work a program and get sober, for him.

I am sorry to hear honey pig about the divorce. But I guess in life we all have to do things we really don't want to do. I guess I can say is that u will be ok!!'

I am seperating from my A husband. He doesn't seem to get it. He said if I leave I am dead to him and he will file for divorce. It hurts to have such terrible things hurled at me. I don't want to leave...but I have to get well. His answer for dealing with this is coming home at 2 am last night so drunk he couldn't figure out how to get into the house. I hope for him to get help and find out who he is...I'd like to meet that guy. He is his own person he has his own choices. But I forgot I have them too. I don't have to live the life he wants to live. My children deserve better most of all. Thank you for your story. I need all the hope I can get right now.

I think one of the main problems when living with an 'A' is that we think of this as 'normal' life . It is not. It is possible to live a life when your worst days simply include being a bit irritable or not getting the dessert you wanted. Time helps a lot. Just being out of the crazy environment helps even if you still feel awful. The denial we build up is also huge - all I used to want to know was that one day we would end up together. But once you detach and start to heal you will feel better about yourself. Other men sense this. I have had many offers - a while ago I would have jumped at these. Now I enjoy my own company and if I don't feel someone has something really special to offer me - I am not interested. We get as addicted to the 'A's as they are to alcohol. I used to think I could not live without mine and many many times I just wanted to die. The pain was horrendous. Working the Al-anon program turned my life around - especially working the 4th step. The main thing for me was the acceptance and love from al-anon.

A large part of living with alcoholism for us is simply abusive. We stay because it's what we are used to. Once I got a sponsor and started to work the steps it gave me the courage to say - maybe he is wrong! Maybe I am okay and not this awful person he says I am.
I started to realize that I was scared of being alone but I was already alone - I was scared of taking care of myself but I had already been doing that for many years. All that really changed was I did not have somebody around me constantly bringing me down and making the home situation worse.

I used to be terrified of divorce - I felt it was breaking up our family - now while it is not a 'fun' thing to be doing I see it as a process like moving house, you have to take away the old to make way for the new. For the first time since I was a teenager I am excited about the future. I don't expect someone who is sick to be reasonable anymore and having no expectations has helped keep me grounded.

Even when we are doing the right thing it takes a long time (sometimes) before we start to feel better. Easy does it.

Absolutely! And I also think we spend so much energy just keeping our noses above water that a lot of the time, we simply don't have the energy to reflect on our lives. It's like we're always running around putting out fires.

Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me, too. It gave me an hour to myself, when I was surrounded by people who got it. And when I started talking about my situation to other people, I slowly started realizing how dysfunctional it was. But it took a lot of courage to admit how bad it was -- which meant that somewhere, I knew it wasn't normal.

Thank you for this post, cr! It's really good to hear what "could be" if one makes the investment in themselves for their own recovery even though they're not the A.

Cr, you are so so right. I sit in my new living room with my dog and just smile. I love that it is my home. I am fixing things and doing stuff that I always did in my old home. I now realize that the day to day operations were all ME. He would repair big things , but every day things are me. So life really hasn't changed much. The last couple of years he was always at the bar so I did most of all my stuff alone anyway. So really no big change there, either.

I find myself not caring where he is, or who he is with or what he is doing. While we were living together I was obsessed with all of that. This is the first time in 30 years that I am living my life, I am not living through his life. WOW!!

I am seeing, that he is now reaching out to my 20 and 22 year old daughters. Something that he always thought he did, but truly never did. That is a bonus that I didnt expect.


Biggest regret- I waited so long to respect myself and leave. It really is about respecting yourself and not tolerating horrible drunken behavior. You are right, our relationships with A's are not normal!!

Yes Maia1234 I now find myself grateful for all the times the A did not help with the diy jobs. In my new house I have been able to do just about everything - , drilling holes for curtain rails, painting, wallpapering, putting up new lights and even using a multimeter to find which wire was the switch live! I buy old /antique furniture from charity shops that is broken and am able to fix it!

They are sick as this is a disease they have. A progressive disease so it gets worse with time. It does not stay the same. I can't believe I used to rely on a sick person for my sense of well being - actually I realize now that I wasn't fair to him . He was not capable of looking after himself - let alone me and a family.

The biggest advantage though I must say is that I have learnt that somebody cannot continue to belittle and insult you after you detach, it takes two to fight and once I started to 'mind my own business' I became less obssessed and stopped going back for more bad treatment.

Even good changes can feel uncomfortable so I have had to learn to be patient, to listen. Listening at meetings helps especially chairing a meeting. Also listening to my higher power - I know I am not alone. Just a 5 minute call to my sponsor when I am fretting can make all the difference. When I reached out for help - I felt better. The A is what makes us feel bad and so cannot also be what will EVER make us feel better.

Fantastic to hear from you, I remember you & I am thrilled you are doing so well.
It's amazing what you see & feel a few years later, thanks for sharing.
Hugs.

Thanks Rosiepetal - I remember you too. Thanks for all your support.:tyou

Thank you for sharing that :)

Cr, I am just like you. I just bought a new battery powered drill, as every home needs one. I have moved all the shelves in the bedrooms. I have furnished most of my house with furniture from house sales and the good will. I will be ok, as you have been.

I still morn the loss of my "old" husband. I miss just having him have my back (only in a major emergency) as he was at the bar when my car died and I needed a jump 8 months ago anyway. But I got help myself and jumped the car. I know that I will be ok but still miss him. I guess in time I will feel differently.

I did what I had to do. Nothing was changing and I cried daily. Will see how rough it will be around the holidays. I am a little frightened about that, but I can only worry about today. All I know is that I didn't cry today.

I learned a whole lot about taking care of myself. Bought myself one of those portable car-battery chargers--it's saved my bacon a few times, and on top of that I've been able to help out others with a dead battery.

You'll be OK, maia. And a drill is one of the most important tools you will ever own. :)

What an inspiring thread! Thanks to cr995 for giving hope to those of us not yet fully on the other side. Just what I needed tonight!!!

:tyou