first post
 

Hi guys.
I'm new to this site, and am a little nervous to post anything but I came across these forums and everyone seems so supportive and helpful. I'm at the point where I'm at a big loss for what to do, and feel incredibly helpless and honestly quite depressed.

My boyfriend (or now ex?) Have been together just under a year. I learned pretty early on that he struggled with alcoholism. He had ups and downs like anyone else. When we first met he was actually sober, and had been for about six months. Obviously he relapsed but we continued our relationship and things were going incredibly well. He broke up with me in the summer, because I got in the way of his addiction.. It broke me pretty bad, but after about a month and half of being apart we got back together. He made so many plans to get sober again, and was incredibly confident in our relationship. He constantly told me how better I made his life, and how great he thought we were together. He was making plans to move in together, so sure about our future. Once again things were great between him and I, and I did my best to be patient and supportive as he tried to better himself. Completely out the blue, however, he has pushed me away once again. He claims he can't be in a relationship while he tries to get sober, which I have tried to respect but I know full well he has been drinking in excess since we broke up.

I struggle so much with this, because I am absolutely in love with this boy. And I feel silly wanting so desperately to be with him when, I guess for lack of a better way of looking at it, he's made his choice. Am I insane for wanting to be with him? Any suggestions of what I can do? I'm tired of feeling so broken apart and empty.

You might be a little bit deluded (the way we all are when we start trying to figure this stuff out) but you aren't insane. Not incurably so, anyway. :)

My suggestion is that you read all you can about alcoholism and what that REALLY means. There is plenty of information on this site.

Second, we loved ones are in love with the good we see underneath the alcoholism. And many alcoholics have great potential, are charming and intelligent people. BUT until they recover from the disease--REALLY recover--you will never have that "potential" realized.

Alcoholism is progressive--it gets worse over time. I do wonder whether he had really been sober for six months when you met him. I remember when I met my second husband (in a bar, of course), and the first time I went to his apartment I literally stumbled over a copy of AA's "Big Book." Since my first husband was a sober alcoholic (over 15 years at that point), and since I knew THIS guy was drinking, I asked what he was doing with that book. He told me that "a long time ago" he thought he might have a problem with alcohol but that he was now fine. I have no idea why I fell for that, knowing what I did about alcoholism, but he was bright, charming, and I saw a lot of good things in him.

He wound up hospitalized with liver failure and kidney failure. The doctors told me IF he lived (which was questionable for a couple of weeks), he would certainly need a liver transplant, and there was little hope of his getting one as long as he was drinking. Well, he got a little better, got sober, and was told after further testing that he had EARLY cirrhosis and would be fine if he never drank again.

Well, guess what. I married him and within a matter of months he was drinking as insanely as ever, had lost his job, and we could not afford to continue to live in the home we were renting. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I threatened. Eventually I left him. That was seventeen years ago, and to the best of my knowledge he is still drinking. I don't know how he is still alive.

The other thing I suggest is finding an Al-Anon meeting and start going to those. It won't help you get him sober (that is entirely up to him), but it will help you with the "broken apart and empty" feelings.

Hugs, glad you're here.

Hi & welcome.
Lexie said everything I could have said, and then some.

I married an alcoholic and had children with him. Stayed with him 20 years. While I love my children and wouldn't trade them for the world, the downhill spiral AXH went through, and the abuse the kids and I suffered as a direct consequence of his drinking were horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Like Lexie said, I loved his potential. I loved the person he could be if he quit drinking. The thing was -- he never did. It was like being married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and never knowing when the monster would pop out. As the years went by, there was less and less Jekyll and more and more Hyde.

All our kids are in at least weekly therapy because of what they went through. I can't afford therapy for myself in addition to what I'm paying for their therapy. The scars that marriage left me with will be there for life.

I don't believe we have one soulmate that we're "supposed" to be with. I believe that we make choices, and when we choose to be with someone when we don't love them but their potential, we choose unwisely.

Thanks for the support, I certainly understand the seeing of potential. Cause I see it shining out him like the sun. I guess that is what makes it so hard to just let go, much like you both said, I'm in love with his potential... I feel like our age complicates things as well, as we are both early-mid 20's, and of course all of his friends focus social interaction around drinking and often drugs as well. I've never been a big partier, so I always felt I was the positive influence in his life. I know now it is far from that easy.
I have gone to a couple alanon meetings, and I do find them very helpful, but for some reason haven't been able to make a habit of going. Perhaps again because of my age, I feel out of place at the meetings. I feel almost like a waste of time, cause maybe at this age I should have an easy time turning and running from the problem. But I can't shake the feeling in my heart saying that I have to stick this out.

*raising hand* I'm an adult child of an alcoholic who was drinking before I was born and is still drinking today. I'm 31 now. Therapy is expensive. Very expensive. Find someone else. There are plenty of stable, non-drinkers out there who won't drag you through hell. But before you go running into another codependent relationship, find out why you choose this type of relationship in the first place. An Al-Anon meeting would probably be helpful. Therapy is always an option, but again, it can be expensive. Welcome to SR. Stick around, read, learn, and talk to us. No matter what the situation, there's sometime here who's been there.

he has shown you who he is and what your relationship is going to be like as long as you are together and he is active. Believe him.

you've been together just under a year,you are not married,you have no children together.

Please, try and walk away.

Um, well... I mean this in the nicest possible way, but, yeah it's a little crazy. (Most of us on this forum are guilty of this same kind of insanity, though. I don't mean to be insulting--that's just why we are here!)

Look at this as bluntly as possible:

You are hoping for a future with a man who has admitted and then demonstrated that he has very a serious, progressive addiction. An addiction that compromises morality. An addiction that allowed him to abandon you twice in favor of drinking. :scorebad :c001: I think the saying is, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I know the optimistic attitude of--we will work it out! He can beat this! But. Be objective. That might not happen. The recovery stats for addiction are really quite low. An addict has to be so completely beaten down that he or she is willing to sacrifice everything and do anything for the chance to get clean. its HARD. And not everybody gets to that level desperation. What do you do when you get him back, and yet he is still drinking? Are you happy?

Health thinking might look more like this: "I will give him his space to recover (more than a handful of weeks!) and when he has shown commitment to his Program and proven that he can be sober, trustworthy, and loving to me, maybe we will revisit the idea of Us. But I know I can't have a healthy relationship with a sick person, and that trying to will bring disaster. It's sad that he is sick, and my heart hurts, but I deserve someone who is capable of creating a real life with me and being healthy, equal partners."

Ideally, we want to avoid making sick choices that hurt us and start making healthy choices--the ones that would make Mom and Dad proud :e058: Realistically, I get where you are coming from and I know it's really hard when you're hurting. *hugs*

Dear LoveIsPatient
I definitely get everything you are talking about. Last night was my mate's and my 15th anniversary. I was in town for some other events and went by to see him.
He wasn't home and I found out he had left town in his RV for the weekend. Of course, I had to check both RV parks down there to see if he was there...

Last week was his birthday, and he didn't want me around then either. To be honest, with that, last night and the holidays coming, I think it is normal to feel a little crazy.

I am seeing that part of recovery is cutting ourselves a little slack for these rough times. As they say in AlAnon, "progress, not perfection."

LoveisPatient.....how long are you prepared to wait? Is there any amount of time that you have in mind?

This is a serious question....really..

dandylion

Hi, Loveispatient, and welcome to SR. I think that probably everyone here felt that same thing. If it was possible for us to love our A's into sobriety, there'd be no need for this forum. Unfortunately, love can't cure alcoholism.

Someone posted this link to an article called "Love is Not Enough" a while ago; it might be useful for you at this point. Love is Not Enough

I hope you can do a lot of reading here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about the realities of alcoholism will help you make decisions based on facts, not on hopes and dreams. My A told me, 20 years ago when we met, that he was an alcoholic in recovery. If I'd really understood what alcoholism was and understood that he was in no way in recovery, I'd have made very different decisions. However, I let my own fears and my desire for what I saw as safety and security blind me to what was right in front of my face. I'm looking at a stack of work to get myself healthy and back on track after all those years--I hope you can get a head start and not have to dig out of such a mess yourself.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Welcome loveispatient,

My heart goes out to you because I can feel the pain in your post. Breaking up with anyone that you care for is hard enough, but when alcohol comes between you and a loved one it is even more painful. The issue isn’t that he doesn’t care about you, I’m sure he does; the issue is that he loves drinking more. Saying that he pushed you away because “you got in the way of his addiction” is incredibly revealing.

Right now you’re feeling lonely and sad so I hope you have friends and family that you can turn to for support. Allow yourself time to grieve and to heal. I also think that it would be a good time to educate yourself about alcoholism and addiction as well as codependency so that you better understand what you were up against by being involved with an addict. Doing this may help you heal; but it may also protect you from future heartbreak. I’m sending you a big hug from the “Last Frontier”. :hug:

Jenibean87 gave you the best advice here.

My RAH and I are both in our mid 20's as well so I can definitely relate to the "normals" of all of our friends drinking and still partying. It made it very difficult for a long time for my RAH to get past the denial part of thinking he was different from all of our friends. It wasn't until we moved out of state (for a new job opportunity) that things very quickly came to light. I was never a big drinker either and thought I was a "great influence" but the reality was when all of his friends were gone, the alcohol still remained with him. He went from the excuse of drinking with them, to no excuse because he was still drinking without them- always by himself.

Just like you will continue to read, alcoholism IS AND WILL PROGRESS. Things progressed for my RAH very quickly and until I got over my denial stage of "loving him enough to make him stop" nothing changed. Once I started educating myself on the topic, working on myself, and stopped enabling him- that's when things started to get better.

You are very lucky your relationship is fairly new and you are not married or have children with him...trust me, it complicates things by 1000 times over. If this is someone who truly wants to be with you, he will need to figure out how to live his life sober and be content with his own life first. I once read you can't truly give someone the love you intend to if you don't love yourself...this goes for both parties involved.

Please take jenibean advise and give him his space to recover. Let him figure this out for himself and you work on you. If one day God intends you to be together, it should be at the right time in both of your lives. It sounds by your post, clearly this is not that time. You deserve better then living the next 10 years on a roller coaster trying to make it work.

"YOU deserve someone who is capable of creating a real life with YOU and being healthy, equal partners." Unfortunately this is impossible when dealing with an active alcoholic.

Hang in there and keep reading! Please feel free to pm anytime :)

I can't say I have put a definitive time line on how long I am willing to wait. I haven't put a lot of thought into that, to be honest.

With sincere gentleness, I offer, you have been with this guy less that one year, and you are enduring this level of pain and chaos? If that is not a red flag I don't know what is.

But only you can decide what an acceptable standard of life is for yourself, your love and support will not help or cure him, this is an inside job , that only he can choose for himself.

You will continue to hit that brick wall at 100 m.p.h. (as all of us here have) and yeppers, it will hurt like hell every time.

Read all you can about addiction, ask all the questions you need, we are here to support you.

You are not insane, but your emotions are ruling, best to make decisions based on facts.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable, and yes it's going to sting, but this is what happens when we choose unavailable partners. And active alcoholics are not able to maintain stable, healthy relationships, (that is a fact).

Better to endure the loss now, than waiting till have have two or three kids you have to worrying about providing for, as lousy of a partner alkies are, they are even worse parents. Time to make decision with your head, and not your heart, my friend.

This article was the first thing I saw on Facebook this am. Maybe it was for you? :)

Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head | Self-Care Haven

(((HUGS))) Just sending you strength and some peace.

Nothing healthy about any relationship is to stick it out.

The fact that he's already let go of this relationship and you for some (codependent) reason are not letting it go indicates it has nothing at all to do with him or his issues and everything to do with your own (codependency).


There is a very good book out there by Melody Beattie called "Codependence No More" I think you will find it interesting and insightful.

Last month I could have written your original post. Fast forward 30 days and my XA is sitting in jail. I've had no contact with him at least 3 weeks. He was in a downward spiral I saw it coming and could do nothing to prevent it.

His words to me were very clear. He said, "I am an alcoholic. I choose the bottle over you. Don't waste your time on me. "

It shook me to my core. I was devastated, couldn't sleep, eat or do anything but think of him and the cry. Anxiety through the roof. How could he do this to me? I loved him.

Then I came here SR, had a few reality checks and dove head first into 7 Al-anon meetings in 10 days. The time I would have spent with him I went to a meeting. Very helpful.

I still obsessed over him, then I looked at pictures of a weekend trip to NYC. The nightmare flooded back. It was the worst trip I'd ever been on. I was going to end the relationship. I didn't, instead I told him that I loved him.

Finally I talked him into seeking treatment. He was put on medication and his moods stabilized. We had six fantastic weeks without any arguments. My father's health took a turn for the worse (mesothelioma) and I moved in with Dad not my A.

He went on a bender, lied to me about going to work, two hospitalizations in under 5 days...... blah, blah, blah. Then finally declared himself an alcoholic. I was devastated, then scared for him.

I knew he was headed for trouble. He forecasted how awful his birthday and the holidays would be (this was before breakup). Now he has done it. Last week he crashed his car and is now in jail. Don't know what happened, I found out yesterday. It's just starting to sink in.

He'll be going away a long time. This is his 4th DUI. He will loose everything. I stuck around because he made me feel beautiful, we had a lot of fun but it was always followed by stress and exhaustion. We are in our mid 50s.

Loveispatient, please do not hang your hopes and dreams on your XAB. You are way to young and smart to be pulled down by him. If you can't see it now, stick around on SR. Read as much as you can. You will see there is very little chance for a good outcome for you with your XA. Put your time and energy into healing yourself. Take care and keep posting. Your emotions will be all over the place for the next few weeks. You will start to feel better.


My understanding at the beginning of the relationship was that he stopped drinking. Boy what that every wrong.

I know your heart is telling you to sick around, but here's a little something those of us well into our recovery know: the heart is stupid. It's an idiot when it comes to love and other matters. You need your brain here, not your heart.