How stupid am I
 

Why do I try to force a man to stop drinking when he doesn't want too. Why do I continue to let some man disrespect me and treat me like I'm the scum underneath his shoes. Why do I put up with someone who blames everything and why he is so unhappy on me. Why do I let him get away with saying he is going to the 'store' and not come home until late at night. Why do I beg him to stay when he says he wants to leave me. Why do I chase after and try to find him at the bar or his friends house. Honestly I think I am at the lowest point in my life ever. I feel emotionally drained, my children are suffering because I'm just so wrapped up in his problems than theirs. I can't sleep, I am failing to preform at my job, my mind racing all day with what he is doing and why he is doing this to me. I don't know how to move forward and stand up for myself. Sorry for this rant, I'm just so done with everything right now.

You are not alone, we have all been there. Please continue to come here for support. You cannot change him, you can change yourself & how you react to him. Hugs

Kids?

You aren't stupid, you're hurt. We get it, we really, really do.

Are you going to Al-Anon? Might help a lot--it did, me.

Yes, I have 3 kids. 8, 5, and 18 months.

well....why do you put HIS well being ahead of YOURS or your CHIDREN? you are getting some type of payoff from doing so.....but ask yourself, is there anything or anyone more important than your kids????

You are not stupid, you are wrapped up in codpendency. I could ask myself the same questions, through THREE XABF's and my own addiction ( to deal with the dysfunction - stupid mistake).

I clung to the friends & family forums when I first joined, even though I was an RA.

What I learned is that I get what I tolerate. Bitter, bitter lesson to learn. Despite my heartbreak, it was the truth.

I had to learn to live life for myself. Detach with love (still doing that with a niece) and put one step in front of the other.

Please keep reading and posting. This forum literally saved me from the feelings I was feeling, along with al-anon.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Honestly, I don't know what kind of payoff I'm getting other than I'm afraid to be alone. And no my kids are the most important people in my life. I feel like I'm failing them and I need to snap out of it and get myself together.

I need to snap out of it and get myself together.

then do that....whatever it takes!!! yes you CAN!

Well that is true. Not about the failing them -- just the most important thing.

Here is how I do the math.

a. I can ONLY have One #1 Priority. Learned that as an Army Officer. In this case the #1 Priority is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know she is not the #1 Priority.

b. To take care of the #1 / Kids -- I have to take care of Me. Learned that in Alanon. Mrs. Hammer is not named "Me," so I know she is not the #2 Priority.

c. Goes down the list list like that -- house, food, job, etc.

short version -- Mrs. Hammer does not show up on the Priority List.

Most A's do not have to be on any Priority List. They are used to and quite good at putting themselves first, anyway. Some are so good at they have actually managed to become addicted to illegal things. Think about that. So good at their craft that they have reached Addict level. On illegal things. THAT is dedication.

Bottom line -- you do not have to spend much brain cell activity on him.

Take care of the kids, and take care of YOU.

I could have written this post 5 years ago. I think to some extent we all do this. You need to find yourself again. It is the hardest thing to do, but he is not worth this. If he chooses to grow up and be a father to your children and the SO you need, then so be it. But you cannot force him. Wrap yourself up into your kids. Make that choice. Make it baby steps. Hour by hour until you get stronger. You will find someone better, I promise. You are not alone, you have your kids. Reach deep down. You can do this. Stop obsessing over him, he wants that. Stop giving him what he wants. Hugs to you.

Agreed Hammered. Take care of #1 and #2, the rest of it will fall into place. hugs. I know what you are going through, working on getting independent myself

I can't answer that question for myself never mind answer for you....that said I wanted to send you ((hugs)) and let you know you aren't alone in your confusion.

does that mean you have got rid of mrs hammer and took care of the kids on your own ? sorry i dont understand what the point is here ?

I remember so clearly feeling that level of exhaustion. The hunting him down, the worries, the begging, the bargaining, and, most poignantly, the loneliness and despair. My friends and family had gotten tired of hearing my cries and of me doing nothing to change my situation, and I was deeply depressed.

I feel you. It's a horrible horrible thing. I can't answer "why", but I can say that it is changing YOU that will make this misery come to an end. It seems counterintuitive, and frankly ridiculous that there could be anything wrong with YOU (He's the addict!)! But hear me out.

I hit my codependent bottom two years ago, and simply could not imagine living my life that way anymore. I was too miserable. And so I started to listen to what people we telling me about codependency. And I started to think, even if they're wrong, trying their suggestions can't hurt any worse than my life already does doing it my way.

Because I came to believe that he was gonna drink, lie, steal, leave, cheat--whatever!-- regardless of any pleading/anger/threats/pouring out bottles/arguing/stalking/etc., I started to stop doing them. And when than became tolerable, I started to start replacing those old behaviors (or, rather, reactions to his behaviors) with things that I liked to do. The hours I would have spent trying to find him at the bar? I went to the gym instead. The money I would have spent bailing him out? I spent on a haircut for myself. The dinner I cooked for us that he never came home for? I ate in bed, under the sheets, watching a movie he would hate. The beautiful weekend he wanted to waste drinking? I took his kids out for an activity.

And, day by day, I started to feel stronger and better and happier. And more confident in myself and what I deserve. And I got the strength to set boundaries, and stand up for myself, and to decide rationally if this was the life I wanted.

It took me a 4 years to be willing to see the truth in that concept, and I've only begun to put it into action in the last 6 months, but my life has completely changed for the better since then. When I stopped trying to control him, and started to put my needs and my LIFE before his, I found an amazing freedom. You can too.

Does not mean anything. Nor that anything had to be done or not done.

You are from the A side of things, right?

All good, but just asking. Because the "in to action" thing and all.

The world does not work that way on the Yang (or Yin, depending on perspective) side of things.

There is Great Power in inaction. Often we find the Strongest Thing is to simply do Nothing. Let Go and Let God, as the Slogan goes.

In Alanon, we jokingly say, "Don't Do Something. Just Sit There."

Go back and look at the original post. There was not a Lack of Doing Anything in there.

Boo is just busy spinning her wheels with worry. About things that were not her's to worry about. All about him, him, him and his, his, his problems.

My point was to simply suggest a different direction -- no action at all.

The focus not need be on an A. The Drama Queen is neither that Dramatic nor much a Queen (or King). Boo's REALLY important things -- the kids -- are Right There. Whether the A is there and whether the A is drinking or not.

Same with Mrs. Hammer. She may come, she may go, I don't know.

Not Hammer's Problem. Nor Hammer's Priority.

I am suggesting the same may work well for others.

You're not stupid.

Nobody here (or anywhere else you might look for help) is able to give you the solution to solve all of your problems, but coming here, questioning the status quo is a big step I think. That questioning in an of itself is probably the biggest help that anyone can give, and it is you yourself that made that step.

I found for myself to get healthier and stronger. All the advice and help from people that I asked for, if I didn't put it into practice and begin to do the things they suggested. I was only going in circles. When I started to get me healthier, people noticed how I looked better. Was it easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!
I am finding to deal with the emotions of the past I deal straight on then move on and don't dwell on them. Sometimes I talk with my mentor to get a perspective or a correction and then action from me is needed.
You will find the strength in little steps and it is so freeing.

BooJudeBoo.....the kids are suffering, and you sound like you are dangerously overextended (physically and emotionally).

I think that when you are confused....step back and take the attitude of "first things first".
Taking the first logical "baby step(s)" is a place to start.
Do not underestimate the power of a "baby step"...just because it sounds so diminutive.
The first step can point you in a direction. It can breakup the inertia (a ball in motion tends to stay in motion).

Coming here is good...LOL! What other things have you done, so far?
Even reading a book or studying this forum thoroughly is a big step!

A good question to ask yourself is: "What are my three greatest concerns (fears)"

Not an easy question....but, wrestling with it should get the ball rolling....

dandylion

Sweetie...I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here.
You are putting up with all of this...cuz you have some big old abandonment wounds you have to start addressing...and key is YOU..have to start addressing.

I recently went through an experience that triggered my core abandonment issue.

I was sailing along fine...thinking everything was okay...I opened up and trusted someone I shouldn't have.
Their action ...something as simple as a "text message"...

Shot me in the heart...words can't express the searing pain. I was clutching at the wound..staggering and bleeding and twisting in pain..

And I KEPT going back to the SHOOTER..to stop the bleeding...to nurse the wound...to stop the pain...

But I just kept bleeding and hurting and writhing and begging for love....

The only one to address my wound..my abandonment

is me...

Stop begging the shooter for anything...