How stupid am I

Old 11-16-2014, 03:12 AM
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Hi Boo, you see your fear of abandonment. Being aware is a big step.

Hammer in his priority list also helps as it puts your focus on your kids and your life. It takes practice to disengage and refocus.

It will bring longer periods of peace and that will in turn help you make better decisions. It will!
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Old 11-16-2014, 06:54 AM
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I was up all night last night. He said he was going to go play some pool and come home. I woke up at 3 and he wasn't here. He spent the night at a friends. My kids asked why dad didn't stay here last night and all I could say is I don't know. I called him and he answered and said he had to go get my car from the bar. I tossed and turned and worried all night. I've come to conclusion that I need to stop worrying about someone who doesn't even give a crap about me.
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Old 11-16-2014, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Does not mean anything. Nor that anything had to be done or not done.

You are from the A side of things, right?

All good, but just asking. Because the "in to action" thing and all.

The world does not work that way on the Yang (or Yin, depending on perspective) side of things.

There is Great Power in inaction. Often we find the Strongest Thing is to simply do Nothing. Let Go and Let God, as the Slogan goes.

In Alanon, we jokingly say, "Don't Do Something. Just Sit There."

Go back and look at the original post. There was not a Lack of Doing Anything in there.

Boo is just busy spinning her wheels with worry. About things that were not her's to worry about. All about him, him, him and his, his, his problems.

My point was to simply suggest a different direction -- no action at all.

The focus not need be on an A. The Drama Queen is neither that Dramatic nor much a Queen (or King). Boo's REALLY important things -- the kids -- are Right There. Whether the A is there and whether the A is drinking or not.

Same with Mrs. Hammer. She may come, she may go, I don't know.

Not Hammer's Problem. Nor Hammer's Priority.

I am suggesting the same may work well for others.
yes i come from the side of action as words mean nothing to me unless they come from real personal ex[erience of course

its far to easy to tell others to put the kids first and that mean they will have to face being a single parent to the kids
all sorts of hardships come with it that does make them think that they might as well stay like they are

a lot of al anon members i know in my area are still living with drinking partners because they simply do not want to face life on there own so they put up with it or worse a non drinking partner who is doing nothing about themselves

i can understand that part of things but what i dont understand is how they can then try to direct others to take actions that many of them have never done ?

i am not saying its not wrong advice to put the kids first as that is the way to go but when puch comes to shove it means breaking up a family home and when faced with that option many would rather stick with what they know rather than jump into the unknown
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Old 11-16-2014, 07:09 AM
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BooJudeBoo....first step...you NEED your sleep. Sleep deprivation is a long honored technique for breaking down prisoners!! You can't burn the candle on both ends forever---until you get sick and break down, yourself. You have to keep your health to work full time and take care of a home and little children! Exhaustion messes with your mind, also. It diminishes your ability to manage even ordinary, everyday stress.

Frantically worrying about him doesn't change the outcome, anyway. That is the irony, isn't it...? He still does what he wants to...and you pay the price!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that it is hard to accept that you can't control him. That, I believe, is the h ardest part of all...

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Old 11-16-2014, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by BooJudeBoo View Post
I've come to conclusion that I need to stop worrying about someone who doesn't even give a crap about me.
oooohhhh.

Good for you. And the kids.
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Old 11-16-2014, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by desypete View Post
yes i come from the side of action as words mean nothing to me unless they come from real personal ex[erience of course
Ok. Do not really follow what that means, but I guess since I do have experience in this . .. well I am not really sure what that even means in your context. But let's go on . . . .

its far to easy to tell others to put the kids first and that mean they will have to face being a single parent to the kids
No one said ANYTHING about single parent or anything related to that in this discussion . . . did they? I mean other than you, right? That is where this is coming from? Your projection that not treating an A "special" or that the "kids-come-first" some how equals that Boo, or I, or whomever will suddenly find themselves a single parent?

I will grant you that some or even many A's will or may have a Throw-down, Crybaby, Temper Tantrum when we stop doing the Caretaker routine.

Mine did. Total Temper Tantrums . . . a few times over. Threatening to relapse, running around to anyone who would listen making up just ridiculous lies. Telling the kids lies to the point they wound up in Alateen and just quit listening to her nonsense. In the end, she -- as most A's -- just wound up making herself look like an ass.

all sorts of hardships come with it that does make them think that they might as well stay like they are
Yep, would agree that for many A's that "A" should really stand for A-hole, and like a real Anus, they will try to sh1t on everyone and everything around.

We have discussed that with the Rabbit and Bear story. You know that story?

a lot of al anon members i know in my area are still living with drinking partners because they simply do not want to face life on there own so they put up with it or worse a non drinking partner who is doing nothing about themselves
Understood.

We (Alanon) even discuss that condition in our opening to our meetings . . .

"... we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."

i can understand that part of things but what i dont understand is how they can then try to direct others to take actions that many of them have never done ?
Who do you believe is doing that?

i am not saying its not wrong advice to put the kids first as that is the way to go but when puch comes to shove it means breaking up a family home and when faced with that option many would rather stick with what they know rather than jump into the unknown
The only folks I see on here who are urging ANYONE to break up families are pretty much from our side as High Drama folks. They self-create terrible crisis in their own households and then urge others to do the same. Most folks just sort of drive by or view them as a cautionary tale.
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Old 11-16-2014, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by BooJudeBoo View Post
I was up all night last night. He said he was going to go play some pool and come home. I woke up at 3 and he wasn't here. He spent the night at a friends. My kids asked why dad didn't stay here last night and all I could say is I don't know. I called him and he answered and said he had to go get my car from the bar. I tossed and turned and worried all night. I've come to conclusion that I need to stop worrying about someone who doesn't even give a crap about me.
So sorry you and your kids are in this situation. It is exhausting to essentially be the only adult in the house, especially with young kids.
I used to lay awake and hope my ex WOULDN'T come home, because there was always hell to pay. He'd come slamming in, flip on all the lights, scream and cuss, because if he was awake, then everyone else had to be. Because, you know, the world revolved around him.
None of my tears, pleas, nagging, pouring out bottles or just generally worrying myself into a frenzy ever changed his behavior one bit. Because all that stuff revolved around him.
I had to let go of the idea that anything I did was ever going to make a bit of difference to him. No magic words from me were going to make him see the light and suddenly quit drinking. Any control I thought I had over him was an illusion. Not because he hated me or drank to upset me, but because he is an alcoholic who has yet to admit that he is powerless over alcohol and that his life has become unmanageable.
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Old 11-16-2014, 02:09 PM
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I want to thank you all for the kind words. They're really helping me not totally break down right now. I'm glad I found this place.
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Old 11-16-2014, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Ok. Do not really follow what that means, but I guess since I do have experience in this . .. well I am not really sure what that even means in your context. But let's go on . . . .



No one said ANYTHING about single parent or anything related to that in this discussion . . . did they? I mean other than you, right? That is where this is coming from? Your projection that not treating an A "special" or that the "kids-come-first" some how equals that Boo, or I, or whomever will suddenly find themselves a single parent?

I will grant you that some or even many A's will or may have a Throw-down, Crybaby, Temper Tantrum when we stop doing the Caretaker routine.

Mine did. Total Temper Tantrums . . . a few times over. Threatening to relapse, running around to anyone who would listen making up just ridiculous lies. Telling the kids lies to the point they wound up in Alateen and just quit listening to her nonsense. In the end, she -- as most A's -- just wound up making herself look like an ass.



Yep, would agree that for many A's that "A" should really stand for A-hole, and like a real Anus, they will try to sh1t on everyone and everything around.

We have discussed that with the Rabbit and Bear story. You know that story?



Understood.

We (Alanon) even discuss that condition in our opening to our meetings . . .

"... we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."



Who do you believe is doing that?



The only folks I see on here who are urging ANYONE to break up families are pretty much from our side as High Drama folks. They self-create terrible crisis in their own households and then urge others to do the same. Most folks just sort of drive by or view them as a cautionary tale.
i must admit trying to understand exactly what it is you mean is a little bit confusing for me

but i will take it that you are a single parent like me and that you know how hard it is to live without an income coming in unless of course your with a wealthy type of drunk who is able to keep you in a style to which you are accustomed etc

i take it you understand what its like to have to work and rasie kids on your own etc

believe me i would rather be the way i am than in the madness of it all with my ex wife all over the place, however i do hope she does one day find recovery as i have

i dont hold any axes over her as i know just how ill she really is

but the point i was trying to make or understand what you was on about when you say put the kids first

to me i had to put the kids first
1 i had to get sober so i could have them back again
2 i had to make sure my ex wife was out of the picture and even then she managed to hurt one of my kids emotionaly as the other kids didnt want to know her anymore out of shame

however they still love her underneath it all hence i would hope she gets her act together and starts to become a real mum again.

but i am sure you understand what i mean and that you have been through it all yourself
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Old 11-16-2014, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by desypete View Post
i must admit trying to understand exactly what it is you mean is a little bit confusing for me
Ok, I follow you are sincere on this.

Here is where some / many of us start in.

He, He, He, or Him, Him, Him . . . . or like in *our* case(s), maybe She, She, She, or Her, Her, Her.

When I went in my first real Alanon meeting, after Mrs. Hammer relapsed, I was going on about Mrs. Hammer this, Mrs. Hammer that (see the first posting in this thread for a typical sample . . . most of us come in about the same.)

The Grand Dame let me go for a few minutes, and then stopped me and said something that was as true now, as it was then:

"[Hammer], [Mrs. Hammer] is NOT your problem."

She was correct. And it is/was true on a couple of levels.

1) The A is the A's own problem -- Not ours. AND

2) I am my own problem.

===========

If that does not make sense, maybe consider the Serenity Prayer?

"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,"

[for *us* that would be our A's, right?]

"courage to change the things we can,"

[again for *us*, that would be us]

"and wisdom to know the difference."

[and figuring that is our path to wisdom. Fair Enough?]


but i will take it that you are a single parent like me
Not fully yet so, but it appears on the way, but I am letting her crash herself, and destroy her own family by her own hand. In our case, we/she is not *just* dealing with Alcohol or Addiction, per se, but rather a severe, inherited Mental Illness. Sort of an Emotional Dysregulation, often called "Borderline" or "Borderline Traits."

Thread here if you want the background >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html


After I became devout into Alanon, and would not play the "Let's Go Crazy" Game anymore, she went around telling all sorts of Crazy Lies to validate her behavior, and when the truth came around she creates more and deeper lies.

sample of that stuff here >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html

and that you know how hard it is to live without an income coming in unless of course your with a wealthy type of drunk who is able to keep you in a style to which you are accustomed etc
We have been off income during her Crazy bouts, another time while she forced us homeless, again while she was at Rehab, on and on.

But no, like you say, she is no source of income to the household whatsoever, even though she is now working and making more than me, and she operates primarily as sort of a "bum" or "leech," not assisting on Rent, Utilities or even half the food, even though now she is making more than I am.

i take it you understand what its like to have to work and rasie kids on your own etc
Like I say, above, I have had runs of up to a month at a time, and figure that is prep and run-up for the future. She is about due for another full break-down, suicide claims, and all the rest of the Drama nonsense. We have minor cycles every six months or so, with a major every couple of years.

believe me i would rather be the way i am than in the madness of it all with my ex wife all over the place, however i do hope she does one day find recovery as i have
In my case, she may, she may not, but as Alanon has taught me -- NOT MY PROBLEM.

i dont hold any axes over her as i know just how ill she really is
In my case, I figure she is her own worse enemy. She knows the path out. Honesty. She is a Therapist in this field. She has been around AA for years. Even illiterate folks can understand the opening paragraph of Chapter 5, How it Works.

but the point i was trying to make or understand what you was on about when you say put the kids first

to me i had to put the kids first
1 i had to get sober so i could have them back again
2 i had to make sure my ex wife was out of the picture and even then she managed to hurt one of my kids emotionaly as the other kids didnt want to know her anymore out of shame
Everyone's path is different. In my case I had to make sure the kids had a stable home. She wants to move about every 6 months to a year. Per the NAMI guidelines, I (as the Sane Parent) had to put a stop to that.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html

So she has come back with a custody lawsuit trying to seize our house. That collapsed backwards on her, and now she is supposed to move out. Oh well.

however they still love her underneath it all hence i would hope she gets her act together and starts to become a real mum again.
There is always hope, huh? I would say my kids are more like me, and sort of follow the Alanon Slogan -- "Take what you like and leave the rest." Or our household slogan -- "Mom may go crazy, but we do not go with her."

but i am sure you understand what i mean and that you have been through it all yourself
Like I say, everyone's path is there own and different. Principles are what remain constant.

And like this long winded side track started with -- A guiding Principle is KIDS ARE THE #1 PRIORITY.
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Old 11-16-2014, 04:19 PM
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(side note to Boo -- sorry we have filled up your thread with our nonsense. Hopefully something good in all that for you.)

Pete -- if we want to keep re-re-re-hashing this, maybe start our own thread?
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