Guilt

Old 03-27-2002, 07:34 AM
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ScaredInIdaho
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I was finally able to get my husband to go to a counselor on Monday. I was sure that this man that we both trust would be able to help. He told us that we have two options - one is 90 AA meetings in 90 days. The other is rehab. He felt very strongly that rehab is the answer as my husband has committed to AA before and never seems to go through with it. After the hour was over, my husband chose to try AA again. I have no confidence that he will stick with it. For me, the answer was to have him go to rehab and get the help that he truly needs. He contends that he has dealt with his alcoholism, despite the fact that I have found two bottles hidden in different places in the house in the last week.

The counselor also told me that I really need to be attending at least three Al-Anon meetings a week. I have tried two different groups and really didn't feel that I fit in. At 29 I was the youngest member and felt that everyone was looking down on me for it. I guess that my bigger problem is that I feel guilty for going to these meetings. I know that it sounds crazy, but I feel guilty for taking the time away from my two sons who are 5 & 7. Since my husband has been unemployed for the past six months I have had to return to work. I hate to take even more time away from my little boys who really need me. What do I do?

I feel such despair right now. I'm not doing a good job as a wife, a mother or even just taking care of me. I have little hope for the future and am confounded by the fact that I am scared to death of life with my husband, but just as scared of life without him. Go figure!

Anyone with words of advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
Old 03-27-2002, 09:06 AM
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Hi Idaho...
It IS possible to work on your recovery without going to meetings. Think of meetings as fast-track. Get al-anon literature, self help books (look at the Hazelden site... lots!), post here... and make the meetings you can make. Keep shopping for a group you feel comfortable with.

Now about hubby... if you have ever read over the AA and NA pages, you will see that a lot of those folks tried the program more than once before it sunk in. It may not this time... or it may. But your husband's recovery is up to him. How, when, where... even if.

Addicts recover in a lot of different ways. So do the people who love them. Would you tell someone who'd lost weight using an unusual diet that they hadn't really lost any weight? No. You'd look at the results. YOU know when you need help and support, and what makes you feel stronger, and what makes you feel uncomfortable. 12 step groups are full of people who've been there, who identify, who maybe made a couple of mistakes they could save you from making. But lots of people get better without them. ( I will post later this afternoon so that you can see I wasn't struck by lightening for saying that.)

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 03-27-2002, 09:21 AM
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Hi,

Oh yes, please listen to Smoke. There is a lot of love and caring there.

I would like to share with you the terrible things I did when I was drinking, but there is not enough room on the board. Believe me I felt so quilty and believed that I deserved having the crap knocked out of me by my "X."

It was in the meetings of Alanon and AA that I learned to love myself. What I did was not who I was. I did what I did to survive. There is not a Book of Brownie Points that rates you #1 Mom or #2 or #3. I did the best I could...Lord, how I hurt. This is a sickness of the soul.

Go to meetings, like Smoke suggests, and let the people love you. We do!

Keep your eyes on yourself!

My love, Pickle

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Old 03-27-2002, 10:17 AM
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Hey Scared,
I can relate to your feelings of guilt. And that word in itself has been etched in all of our MINDS, we begin to carry so much of it, we begin to feel guilty. In my opinion the meetings really help. I know myself as I am the mother of a 5 year old, if I know it is going to HELP me I am going to do it. Try looking at it as it helping to make YOU feel alot better, sometimes it takes trying out a few groups before you feel comfortable, the first meeting I ever attended was basically for Parents of Alcoholic/Addict Kids. It wasnt the same as being with a group for spouses, but all the same feelings were there, try to find what is best for you. Keep in mind that GUILT is something that has been engraved in us, we are very good at carrying it all. Keep posting here, it has helped me tremendously. There are lots of people here who care. Hang in there.....

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Old 03-27-2002, 11:36 AM
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Hi Scared

I think you need to do whats right for you. I haven't gotten to that first meeting yet, I am so scared but I think I am going to have to take that step to help me. If I don't like it, I will do what smoke said...literature, here, whatever it takes.

You have a great day!!
Take care.
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Old 03-27-2002, 12:28 PM
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Dear Scared,

How about a compromise? The counselor suggests three meeting a week for you, but why not start with one? Then maybe one online meeting as well (check this site for meetings). I think by going to meetings you are taking care of yourself and thus making yourself a better person, mother, and wife. At meetings we find support from people who really understand and who can share their strength and hope. If you feel you are taking time away from your boys, how about taking them to a meeting with babysitting and having a treat out before or after (McDonalds?)? Also, a meeting with babysitting will also mean there are other younger mothers out there. I'm sorry you felt looked down upon in that one meeting -- that's very unusual. If there is one place I feel accepted for who I am, it is at the Al-Anon meetings. I know how you feel about taking time from your little ones, though, because I would've felt the same when mine were that young (now they're teens). Sometimes you just gotta do it. One meeting a week isn't too much for starters. And again, look for meetings with babysitting. Good luck and let us know how things go. Remember, your recovery is just as important as your husband's!
 
Old 03-27-2002, 03:27 PM
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ScaredInIdaho
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Thanks for all of your words of encouragement. I think that the idea of trying for one meeting a week is a good idea. A good compromise that I could live with.

When I left work today I found my husband in the car with a large bowl in his lap. He has spent the day throwing up. He is trembling, clammy the whole bit. I really think that it is his withdrawal symptoms again. He seems to go through this every time he tries to quit. He told me this afternoon that he is so miserable that he will do whatever it takes to get help. After our meeting with the counselor I am more convinced than ever that rehab is the best solution for him. However, he REALLY does not want to go. He has told me multiple times that it's the worst thing that he could do. Now he is telling me that he will go if it will save our marriage. Is it right to force him to go when it's the total opposite of what he wants and thinks will help him?

Thank you to all of you that take time to respond to my messages. Your words are helping me more than you know. My family can't understand what I am going through and I don't really want my friends to know the extent of this. So, thanks once again!!!
 
Old 03-27-2002, 04:51 PM
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Is there any chance you could get your husband to post on the AA or NA pages and talk to some of the people who have been through rehab? I'm wondering why he thinks it would be the worst thing he could do.
He needs to feel comfortable about his recovery option. You can read a lot of accounts of people who have been forced into rehab and came out and went right back to their old habits. Rehab is no more sure fire than AA. The only thing that is sure fire is the addicts commitment to quit.
I have read several times on the NA page, the recommendation that an alcoholic do their initial detox at a hospital (about 3 days, I believe). I believe this is as much a health precaution as a deterrant to using.

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Old 03-27-2002, 05:51 PM
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Dear Scared,

I think this is a decision that needs to come from your husband. As Smoke said, it is their commitment to quit, not someone forcing them to, that's going to work. Do support him. Has he started going to daily AA meetings? Hopefully there he can find some answers or some guidance. It really has to be what he wants to do, what he believes he can do. Tell him you trust his judgment and support him either way (even if you don't). If he messes up, well, he can always start over again, right? His recognition of the problem and a willingness to do something is a good sign. Are you two still seeing the counselor? Sometimes decisions aren't quickly made. Step back, support him, and maybe in a few days or a week or so, he will have decided on a course to take. Keep us posted!
 
Old 03-27-2002, 06:50 PM
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ScaredInIdaho
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Dear Blu,
Thanks for your words. No he hasn't gone to one AA meeting since his commitment to do so Monday. I understand why you are saying that I should tell him that I support him, but everything in me tells me that he won't go through with it. How many times has he said he would do it before and never gone through with it? More than I can count. He truly believes that he can heal himself, by himself. The counselor told me that he believes that at this point in the game rehab for the wrong reasons would be better than no rehab at all. What do you think? Do you have any experience and/or advice with this one? Thanks for your time!!
 
Old 03-28-2002, 04:51 AM
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blufan60
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Hi Scared,

Well, you know your A better than I do. And, as you say, this is a pattern, and you've come to know what to expect. If he hasn't even been to an AA meeting yet, it sounds like he's trying to put it off altogether. The thing is, you still can't force him to do anything. Even if you do, it will be for the wrong reasons. He has to take that step himself. He has to go to that first meeting and continue going to meetings or he has to check himself into rehab.

My personal experience is that my A was in one 30-day inpatient rehab about 10-12 years ago. He went because I told him to, but I think he was also willing to try it. His sobriety didn't last for long, though. After that, I realized I couldn't make him do anything but I could do what I felt I needed to do, and at that time it was to leave him. First I left (with 2 toddlers), then came back after he seemed to get sober. That again didn't last, and the next time I asked him to leave. He did, and that time, after a struggle, he managed to get sober. He would go to AA meetings at first, but he soon gave those up and managed to stay sober without going to them. Little by little, however, over the years he started using drugs. He got caught twice at work (they have mandatory drug testing) and was given 30-day suspensions with requirement to go to outpatient rehab. He did both stints, again not going to many meetings, just the minimum, and just going to the counseling appointments and saying what they wanted to hear him say. This January, he really fell off the wagon and started doing drugs almost daily. He has admitted he has a problem and he's in denial, but he isn't trying to take care of the problem by doing anything concrete. He's thinking sheer willpower will do it -- so far, it hasn't. So that's my experience. Rehab works when the person really wants it to work and has committed himself to it, making no excuses.

As for what your counselor says, that rehab for the wrong reasons is better than no rehab at all, perhaps the counselor knows best through experience, but then again, I guess the question is -- will it last? Who knows, maybe in forced rehab, something will "click" and give him that light-bulb moment. There's always hope, right? I don't mean to sound so negative. For many (most?) recovering addicts, it takes repeated attempts before they get it right.

Maybe my message here is to keep the expectations low for your husband. That way you're not too disappointed or surprised if forced rehab doesn't work. At the same time, have hope (because without that, we would all surely be miserable). Work on yourself, on setting some goals for you and doing things that are good for you. I wish I had that crystal ball to guide you in what to do (but first I would use it on myself!). It's all a big guessing game -- that's why we place the focus on what we do have control over, ourselves. Good luck and keep us posted.
 

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