Abuse
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Amy, it's okay. We had a misunderstanding.
I found my parents' concern intrusive (I am sure that was music to my ex's ear), as I wanted to figure things out myself, and I was annoyed by their negativity (judgment) toward my then BF and later husband. I perceived they were judging me as well for making such a poor choice. Which they were and it was. Later, as Lexiecat notes, I was able to appreciate this a bit more through the prism of their concern. My parents have always been meddlers and it is annoying on several levels.
So my suggestion was that when posters (not you) say they are being judged by their families, in some cases my perception is that it may not be a judgment that the abuser is a great guy, what's wrong with you, but just the opposite, ie., why haven't you left this loser yet? Mine was the latter but it was still an unwelcome judgment at the time. I tend to approach posters who go back and forth to their abusers the same way, which I realize may not be helpful, so I mostly don't comment on threads that involve domestic violence. I don't want the person to take my fear for her or his safety as another burden.
I found my parents' concern intrusive (I am sure that was music to my ex's ear), as I wanted to figure things out myself, and I was annoyed by their negativity (judgment) toward my then BF and later husband. I perceived they were judging me as well for making such a poor choice. Which they were and it was. Later, as Lexiecat notes, I was able to appreciate this a bit more through the prism of their concern. My parents have always been meddlers and it is annoying on several levels.
So my suggestion was that when posters (not you) say they are being judged by their families, in some cases my perception is that it may not be a judgment that the abuser is a great guy, what's wrong with you, but just the opposite, ie., why haven't you left this loser yet? Mine was the latter but it was still an unwelcome judgment at the time. I tend to approach posters who go back and forth to their abusers the same way, which I realize may not be helpful, so I mostly don't comment on threads that involve domestic violence. I don't want the person to take my fear for her or his safety as another burden.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you Santa,
I do again want to thank you for your post. It brought back to me things that I also have to look at that perhaps I was suppressing. That's a good thing, even though I am totally embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted.
I've been thinking about this today, and I realize I can't fix things about me, that I didn't know were there, so this helped me a lot.
It also helped me to see that my triggers, my fears, are not the same as others may have. I also do not want to burden someone in a DV situation with my fears. I feel like I may have just done that.
I apologize to everyone on SR.
Normally at this point, I would go into hiding and isolation, I won't do that. I embarrassed myself, I made a mistake, (a huge one). I'm staying here for more help, and also Lexie, I printed up that list, and will be seeing which meetings I can attend.
((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I do again want to thank you for your post. It brought back to me things that I also have to look at that perhaps I was suppressing. That's a good thing, even though I am totally embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted.
I've been thinking about this today, and I realize I can't fix things about me, that I didn't know were there, so this helped me a lot.
It also helped me to see that my triggers, my fears, are not the same as others may have. I also do not want to burden someone in a DV situation with my fears. I feel like I may have just done that.
I apologize to everyone on SR.
Normally at this point, I would go into hiding and isolation, I won't do that. I embarrassed myself, I made a mistake, (a huge one). I'm staying here for more help, and also Lexie, I printed up that list, and will be seeing which meetings I can attend.
((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amy....there is no call for"embarrassment or shame, here.
Here, we are a collection of human beings who come together to care about each other.. and, in the process....we often end up sharing everything...including our tender underbellies, at times! We allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This means that we have to trust each other to accept us and respect us as both wonderful and flawed individuals. Everyone is flawed (if we knew where to look for the flaws..LOL!) Every single one of us.
On an endeavor such as this forum's there is no room for excessive embarrassment or shame. We have to replace that with TRUST that the overwhelming majority understands because we have done the same or worse....somewhere, or, sometime!!
This is NOT a tea party for the Queen. It is just us chickens.....
dandylion
Here, we are a collection of human beings who come together to care about each other.. and, in the process....we often end up sharing everything...including our tender underbellies, at times! We allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This means that we have to trust each other to accept us and respect us as both wonderful and flawed individuals. Everyone is flawed (if we knew where to look for the flaws..LOL!) Every single one of us.
On an endeavor such as this forum's there is no room for excessive embarrassment or shame. We have to replace that with TRUST that the overwhelming majority understands because we have done the same or worse....somewhere, or, sometime!!
This is NOT a tea party for the Queen. It is just us chickens.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
santa and amy--you both helped me...as I am just now trying to figure out some deeper layers...and although I have therapists for 25 years through every crisis, accepted my biological depression and done a lot of work--this particular time is another point for dealing with more as my 3rd child is an addict--her adult brothers and sisters have all set a boundary of no more support unless and until she is in recovery of her own volition...even though the 2nd one put us through h*ll and we took care of her and her twin girls for 6-7 formative years while this one was a child to teen...and I was feeling so much guilt...and just have to accept that my HP (who I call God) will need to guide me through this and a multitude of other things...as we are all adults now...husband and I are struggling financially...and just for today...we are ok...but it can change...so seeing all sides...plus understanding a bit better (I tend to take so many things as judgmental or blaming to myself -- I always know it is not the other poster...but the guilt comes up so quickly and then I go down so quickly). Have legitimately hard things on many fronts to deal with--more than one...so am working my program and really asking God to just show me the way and to give me one hard thing at a time to do.
Seeing the apologies and the clarifications were so healing...as I do emotionally trigger when I perceive that there is conflict but that is my issue too. I am fully aware that all the issues are mine to work...but it gets very overwhelming when too many come up at once...it has always been this way...and so coming back and seeing these posts was awesome and the thread itself is awesome...because this is only the 2nd time I have allowed myself to explore a little deeper within me and post. Thank you.
Seeing the apologies and the clarifications were so healing...as I do emotionally trigger when I perceive that there is conflict but that is my issue too. I am fully aware that all the issues are mine to work...but it gets very overwhelming when too many come up at once...it has always been this way...and so coming back and seeing these posts was awesome and the thread itself is awesome...because this is only the 2nd time I have allowed myself to explore a little deeper within me and post. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
The other thing that was so healing is...as an ACOA, I know that when I am disappointed or feel that I have been unfairly told 'no' from a person who I hoped would understand be compassionate towards me...I lash out. Have worked on this for a while now. I always apologize because I know that lashing out is not ok...and in some cases I have said mean words...but it is very hard when I also know that others get this way and can't see their own things...because then I get all balled up inside...so your kind and loving ways of dealing with this was really a good example and gave me strength to carry on in my no lashing out no matter how discouraging it is to not get the compassion back from another (don't ask often so it has been a hard experience)--but SR is showing me compassion as it works with others and is my family of choice. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Amy,
I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. Especially how family can sometimes be downright harmful for us. I continue to be surprised all the time by people. As a society I think we have made great strides in dealing with DV but at the individual level it seems a lot of people still are in the old mindset. We dont talk about those things. Dont air your dirty laundry, etc. You get the point.
Especially here at soberrecovery I think many of us get the dysfunctional family thing. Since I have started coming here I have yet to read a post that only had a single issue. I think most of us are multi-level winners.
Just know I care about you.
I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. Especially how family can sometimes be downright harmful for us. I continue to be surprised all the time by people. As a society I think we have made great strides in dealing with DV but at the individual level it seems a lot of people still are in the old mindset. We dont talk about those things. Dont air your dirty laundry, etc. You get the point.
Especially here at soberrecovery I think many of us get the dysfunctional family thing. Since I have started coming here I have yet to read a post that only had a single issue. I think most of us are multi-level winners.
Just know I care about you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I just want everyone here to know that if I every get like this again, pick up she SR 2x 4 and hit me over the head. Just say "What's up?". It will quickly get me out of that PTSD.
I overreacted to an imagined fear of mine. I really do thank Santa for her post, because I never thought I had this.
There are many of us here with PTSD. The worst I feel of my overreaction here, is for Santa. She also went through DV. I really do appreciate her input, and everyone elses input.
Thanks Dandylion, yep, I'm one of those chickens here.
irisgardens, I'm glad that I didn't scare you away. (lol) I know how many times I tried to run away from a confrontation, and you can back with that beautiful post of how it helped you. Thank you.
happybeingme, (((((((((((hugs)))))))))), many of them.
Just remember that SR 2 x 4 for me at times.
amy
I overreacted to an imagined fear of mine. I really do thank Santa for her post, because I never thought I had this.
There are many of us here with PTSD. The worst I feel of my overreaction here, is for Santa. She also went through DV. I really do appreciate her input, and everyone elses input.
Thanks Dandylion, yep, I'm one of those chickens here.
irisgardens, I'm glad that I didn't scare you away. (lol) I know how many times I tried to run away from a confrontation, and you can back with that beautiful post of how it helped you. Thank you.
happybeingme, (((((((((((hugs)))))))))), many of them.
Just remember that SR 2 x 4 for me at times.
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think when we live with frustrating, non-productive confrontation 24/7 for a long time, it makes us forget that gentle, constructive confrontation can actually be helpful.
None of us gets better overnight, but gradually we heal.
None of us gets better overnight, but gradually we heal.
We love you Amy, no matter what.Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Wherever we go, there we are.
Posts: 108
Any, thank you so much for starting this thread. I can't tell you how helpful, supportive and comforting it has been to read the replies here. I've posted before that a while back I came to SR and shared my DV experiences, and felt a little "shut down" by some of the feedback/advice/judgment I received. A couple years later I came back and I'm glad I've stuck around this time. Many thanks to you all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by amy55 
I do want to thank Santa. It happened really quick and it was a trigger I never knew I had. It gives me something to think about.
My mother once gave me $5000. because my ex and I just purchased our first home. This was shortly after the time he threw me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. I grabbed that money and shoved it in my pocket so fast so that my ex would not see it. I told my mom that I didn't want him to know I had it because I may need it to get away from him.
There was no further conversation about it. The rest of the day I heard her praising him for all the work he was doing. He made a BBQ !!!!!! She never asked me what I meant. I was hearing how he was her favorite son-in-law.
My ex disappeared for a few days once. He came home with an attitude, I walked away from him and went into the kitchen, he followed me. Threw me to the floor, and held me down, said he was going to bite my stomach. I had welts on my upper arms from him restraining me. I had to go to a Christening the next day. It was summer, there wasn't that much I could do about the black and blues. My entire family was there. Only my cousin said something to me. She looked at my arms and said, some animal must have done that. I just said, some animal did. She didn't ask anything else.
The week after that was the black eye. He was holding me down, just like the prior week. I remembered his comment about biting my stomach, so I bit his arm so he would let me go, he then punched me in the face. I called the cops, there was an RO. He left the house. My family knew this and no one called me that summer. He was living with my oldest daughter, my mom visited there, and no one questioned why, or called me.
I didn't feel safe with my family.
If I ever "jump" like that again, please do let me know. I didn't know this still bothered me.
Thank you
amy
My mother once gave me $5000. because my ex and I just purchased our first home. This was shortly after the time he threw me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. I grabbed that money and shoved it in my pocket so fast so that my ex would not see it. I told my mom that I didn't want him to know I had it because I may need it to get away from him.
There was no further conversation about it. The rest of the day I heard her praising him for all the work he was doing. He made a BBQ !!!!!! She never asked me what I meant. I was hearing how he was her favorite son-in-law.
My ex disappeared for a few days once. He came home with an attitude, I walked away from him and went into the kitchen, he followed me. Threw me to the floor, and held me down, said he was going to bite my stomach. I had welts on my upper arms from him restraining me. I had to go to a Christening the next day. It was summer, there wasn't that much I could do about the black and blues. My entire family was there. Only my cousin said something to me. She looked at my arms and said, some animal must have done that. I just said, some animal did. She didn't ask anything else.
The week after that was the black eye. He was holding me down, just like the prior week. I remembered his comment about biting my stomach, so I bit his arm so he would let me go, he then punched me in the face. I called the cops, there was an RO. He left the house. My family knew this and no one called me that summer. He was living with my oldest daughter, my mom visited there, and no one questioned why, or called me.
I didn't feel safe with my family.
If I ever "jump" like that again, please do let me know. I didn't know this still bothered me.
Thank you
amy
There are just 5 years between myself and one of my sisters (the other is 10 years younger) -she told me some years ago that she didn't remember anything basically before the age of about 11(which was her age when our father died). That may be her way of dealing with things-"I don't remember and this is not open to discussion" -I get the message but it left me feeling quite alone because I remember too clearly who he was.
Sometimes families can seem,or actually be uncaring fot their own reasons(doesn't help us though).
Hope you're ok Amy: haven't thanked you for your support so would like to now.
. Chris.
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