KidsR#1

I have no idea how to plan for the holidays over the next month with my AH- thanksgiving, christmas, DS b-day and top it off with my brother's wedding new yrs eve that we have to fly to as both kids are in the wedding.

I know it is future tripping, but I have no idea how to plan things and how much to let AH be involved. Not sure at this point if he would even be invited to any of his family plans which makes it even more complicated...

ladyscribbler

I used to plan for my AX not to be any help at all, which was actually too high of an expectation. I should have planned for him to be "less that no help", in other words to create problems and stress and drama- drunk dial family and invite extra people before the event, tell everyone different times to arrive at a planned event, add someone's favorite dish onto the menu without offering to help with any preparation, make a huge mess in the house and be unconscious while I was trying to clean up for company and basically just be stinking $h!tface drunk and therefore worthless anytime I needed help with anything. Oh and also to give ridiculous, embarrassing toasts and just generally act a fool in front of company.
Let me know if I forgot something.

DoubleDragons

I read recently that if we insist on worrying and future tripping, we must put our higher power in that vision because reality is that our hp will be there helping us through the situation. Just take the holidays, like all days, one day at a time, asking God for his help and grace each day. He does this for us gladly.

Thumper

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want.... or something like that.

Holidays are hard. The holiday(s) before we separated I just carried out our/my plans. Cooked, invited whatever family we wanted, carried out our traditions etc with no expectations of what or how he would participate. I was never left in a lurch or blind sided that way. I did not have any recovery so sometimes (OK - most times) I would add a few more bucket fulls of resentment to my growing ocean. To bad I can't go back and work on that but there are no do overs. The first holidays after we separated I invited him over to spend it with the kids. Not going to lie, it was really awkward and uncomfortable. If there would have been other options for them to see him (like if he had a family gathering or had any ability to just have them at his house) that would have been better. That option did not exist for him so we did it together. I still don't know if that was for the best for the kids or not. Unspoken tension and awkwardness (and super high levels of anxiety on his part) is not easy for kids but not seeing him at all would have also been extremely hard for them at that point. They are used to it now but it was such a huge change/loss for them at the time.

Best wishes for a peaceful holiday. Remember to focus on and enjoy the small moments with your children - those are the important ones and the one's you'll both remember - and not worry so much about the other things. You'll never get to do this holiday over so don't stress about things/people you do not control and on the flip side you have a lifetime of holidays ahead of you and it is guaranteed that they won't all be so emotionally taxing.

Eauchiche

Last week was my mates birthday, this Saturday is our 15th anniversary, and the holidays too.
Right there with you!!!

Stung

You know, last year I was so disappointed and down about the holidays. It was my new baby's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc and my husband was off being drunk. I felt like he was supposed to be there to make those times special for me and for my family because I couldn't make them special enough for myself.

This year, I'm going to really just take the genuine core belief of the holiday spirit to heart and just enjoy the good, wonderful people that I have in my life and be really thankful for all that I have. I have healthy kids, wonderful friends and people in my life that support me and my awesome little family. Loaded holiday expectations are no longer in my repertoire.

And if it makes you feel any better, I can empathize. I recently booked our winter vacation (I need some snow in my life!!) RIGHT before my husband relapsed and I have considered canceling it but I think I'm going to just go without him and take my girls to the snow without him. Might be a fun tradition for the 3 of us to start now anyway. Holidays will come and happen regardless what anyone is or isn't doing. Might as well have some fun!

Nuudawn

"Future Tripping"...I like this term. Either I have never heard it before or its been so long I don't remember. Despite it's novelty to me, I am pretty sure it's a synonym for "anxiety". As others have said...One day at a time and put some faith in your Divine.

Future Tripping = Anxiety
Past Tripping = Depression

lizatola

That sums it up pretty well for me! I am in the same boat as the OP to some degree. Just praying that I can get through the holidays in one emotional piece and not fall apart. Although we still live in the same house as AH, I am stressed about just living with him because we do not have even a friendship, let alone a marriage.

One day at a time sometimes can become 'one moment at a time' and I can accept that and work with it because I know that it will all pass and a new day will start. There is no stopping time, LOL!

NYCDoglvr

There's an AA saying: alcoholism is a three-fold disease -- Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year. Same for codependents. I made plans to be with other people and stick close to my sponsor, calling for support every day. And asking God to deal with it for me because I can't.

CodeJob

Hi Kids! I realize for you these answers might not fully help. You really do need to plan the flights for the wedding. Do any of the other trips require flying? The ones that don't, I'd just keep things as planned as possible without relying on the A. But don't stress yourself out packing everything in. Your kids just want to be with you.

As for the wedding, I have found it very freeing to travel without my A. I now take off at least once a year without him. This year I went on 5 trips without him. I took my DS solo twice, two running buddy run trips, and one family trip. It has been good for me to have breaks from life with early recovery. This habit started bc H did not have much vacation benefits, but it has crafted me into a more independent person.

Peace!

pixilation

I planned as if exh didn't exist. Sounds horrible but it saved a lot of issues. Then if he did decide to participate rhe kids were surprised.

KidsR#1

Codejob- you were right. I figured that I didn't give enough info in my post. Right now AH doesn't live with us, my choice. Since he is literally back at day one this week in his quest for sobriety it has made me relook at our plans for the holidays and how involved he should be.

I always go to my parents home (5 hrs away) with the kids for thanksgiving with out AH. This way I get all the christmas shopping done for my in laws and parents for the kids while my mom watches them for me. It is a win-win in both her and my eyes since she can't shop for very long b/c of her health and I get some time to myself. AH always spent the holiday with his brother and parents but not sure how that will all play out since this weekends events. His brother was pretty mad at him so their mom may have to choose between which son to invite to her house for dinner- I know I just need to let that go. There is nothing I can do about it.

We got the plane tickets already for the kids and I for the wedding- we are flying with my parents so I have extra sets of hands to help with the luggage and them. We're leaving on DS birthday to go to my parents and fly the next day. AH was going to fly down separately a few days later b/c he can't take a whole week of work off for the wedding like I can. my mom thinks that AH would behave himself and not drink, but I feel that with an open bar at a wedding, on NY eve, is too much to ask of someone in early sobriety. After this weeks events I am not sure if he would even plan on coming either. I also don't want to make him mad by uninviting him as I need him to sign a statement says he agrees to let me take the kids on the plane in order for the airlines to let me fly with them.

We start couple's counseling session on the 24th. Hopefully then we can sort through some stuff.

dandylion

KidsR#1...WOW! I flew on a plane with my young son several times--and I never had to sigh anything! I just bought the ticket for the two of us. It never occured to me that I needed the airlines permission!

Things sure have changed!!!!!!!! (I wonder what else I don't know about...LOL).

dandylion

fastfocus

keep it in the day & keep it simple

KidsR#1

maybe it depends on the airlines?? Never heard of this before, but I understand why it is in place.

Figure if AH refuses to sign one I can point out it means me driving 12 hrs each way with 2 kids by myself up and down the east coast with there being the threat of bad weather along the way. Also could have my MIL talk to him as well if need be.

hopeful4

Just focus on each moment at a time. Future tripping is only punishing yourself.

XXX

FireSprite

I didn't realize that about the airlines either - I didn't have to do that when I flew with DD but that was years ago.

You absolutely have to let go of HIS T-Day plans - it sounds like they never involve you (as you & the kids have alternate plans) & with your separation it's even LESS of a concern for you than normal then, right?

Since he has no ticket for the wedding at this point & your plans don't depend on him anyway is there any harm in just planning on him not attending? Does your mom know much about addiction or is her opinion based more on what she would LIKE to have happen? I agree that an out of town wedding on a holiday with an open bar may not be the best place for him in early recovery.

So you're another Black Friday Shopper? I can't wait, we have SO much fun doing that every year!

LexieCat

I'm assuming this is for international travel. I don't know of any domestic airlines that require such a statement.

KidsR#1

Thanksgiving is not a big holiday for my inlaws. The guys all go hunting.

I love black friday shopping as does my MIL Firesprite. We have a system- I get the deals in my my mom's town and my MIL goes to the city near where we live and we tag team to get the deals. We have another friend at home shopping online. This way if one store is out of stock for a much wanted item, then there are 2 other places we can try. Last yr I was home by 11pm with everything I was set out to get and I wasn't exhausted the next day.

I know that some people don't agree with shopping on the holiday, but it works for me so much better than getting up 3am like I used to.

KidsR#1

And to clarify- with the airline, it says that if the kids are traveling with one parent, the other parent needs to give permission- a notarized letter allowing the kids to fly. I would imagine though if the one parent has full custody, it wouldn't be required.