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Old 11-12-2014, 10:04 AM
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My husband is an alcoholic. There, I've finally said it. Just not out loud. Not yet.

He doesn't think I know. And I'm not certain that I do know. And I wish I didn't know. But there is a little voice inside my head that tells me it's so.

He sneaks to the shed every night, like a cheating husband goes to a mistress. He finds a reason. He makes an excuse. He leaves me for her. He's not gone long, just long enough. And when he comes back to me, I can smell her on him. I can see the tale-tell signs. The slurred speech, the repeated questions about things we've already discussed. And the little voice inside my head tells me that he loves her more than he loves me.

He is such a good person. He is hard working, and happy, and friendly, and loving, and patient, and kind, and giving. And he is so well-liked and respected. Everyone who knows him, loves him. Not like me. I have no close friends or family to speak of. He is my best friend. And the little voice inside my head tells me that he doesn't want to be my friend, can barely tolerate me, and that is why he has to drink to stay with me.

He has hidden it so well for so many years. Well over a decade by now, at least. But our grown sons know, because they are with him in the shed when he drinks. They know and protect his hiding places. They pass the bottle around between them. But they don't drink to the excess that he does. I don't think they do. Not yet.

And the little voice asks me why it even matters to me. What difference does it make that he sneaks away and drinks a little every night? Leave it be. We're fine. You're overreacting. He doesn't get drunk in public and make a fool of himself. He doesn't get belligerent. He is not abusive. He doesn't throw and break things. He has never hit, cursed or blamed me. He doesn't stumble, stagger, or knock things over. And he doesn't drive on the really busy roads where he might hurt someone else. Not yet.

And the little voice tells me that I am the one with the problem. What sane person gets up in the middle of the night and wanders outside? And finds themselves at the shed a 3:00 a.m.? And opens cabinets and looks behind things on shelves trying to find the almost-empty bottles backed up by the full bottles? And measures to see how much is missing from the night before? And I want to scream and break the bottles against the walls and the cement floor and let it all out. All the alcohol. All the emotion. But I don't. Not yet.

If I were a better wife, he wouldn't have to drink. If I helped him more around the farm. If I were a better cook. If I wore more makeup. Then he wouldn't be so disgusted with me that he can't be near me unless he's drunk. This is what the little voice tells me night after night while I wait for him to come back inside.

And I want to scream at him that he is taking years off his life. That he will leave us sooner than he needs to. That he is stealing from me what is most precious; time spent with him. But I don't say a word, because the little voice inside my head tells me he'd rather die young than have to grow old with the likes of me.

And one day the little voice will tell me that it is time. Time to quit lying to myself, and letting him lie to me. Time to quit being quiet and pretending I don't know. Time to quit taking all the blame on myself. Time to give up that whisper of hope. Time to move on. But the little voice hasn't told me to, because it knows I'm not ready. Not yet
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Old 11-12-2014, 10:22 AM
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We are only as sick as our secrets, MamaNature. In my opinion, coming here and sharing is as good as saying it out loud. Welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here, though very sorry for the reason you sought us out.

That little voice inside you is telling you a lot of stuff that just isn't true, but sometimes is easier to believe than the idea that another person's addiction doesn't have anything to do with you. Please stick around, consider attending a real life Al-Anon meeting, and read, read, read as much as you can stand.
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Old 11-12-2014, 10:55 AM
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Hi MamaNature, and welcome to SR.

Like SparkleKitty said that voice in your head is lying to you. You are a terrific person. Remember the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Especially remember that you didn't cause it.

I would also recommend alanon. At least you can go and talk to people instead of being home and talking to the walls while he is drinking in the shed. I know I talked to the walls too often.

((((((((hugs))))))))
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Old 11-12-2014, 11:11 AM
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The little voice you describe at the end of your post doesn't usually come all "one day," but incrementally. Good luck. We're here for you!
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Old 11-12-2014, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by MamaNature View Post
And the little voice inside my head tells me that he loves her more than he loves me.

And the little voice inside my head tells me that he doesn't want to be my friend, can barely tolerate me, and that is why he has to drink to stay with me.

And the little voice asks me why it even matters to me.

And the little voice tells me that I am the one with the problem. What sane person gets up in the middle of the night and wanders outside? And finds themselves at the shed a 3:00 a.m.? And opens cabinets and looks behind things on shelves trying to find the almost-empty bottles backed up by the full bottles? And measures to see how much is missing from the night before?

If I were a better wife, he wouldn't have to drink. If I helped him more around the farm. If I were a better cook. If I wore more makeup. Then he wouldn't be so disgusted with me that he can't be near me unless he's drunk. This is what the little voice tells me night after night while I wait for him to come back inside.
Your posts breaks my heart...especially those things quoted above.

It matters because you miss him. It matters because you matter. His drinking has absolutely nothing to do with you honey. But your own self abusive thoughts do....

His struggle....like yours..is within.

Welcome. Thank you for your post. Hits home in many ways.
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Old 11-12-2014, 11:29 AM
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His drinking is not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on him. Alcoholics protect the parameters of their addiction. He keeps you at arms' length so you don't ask questions and make demands that would change his routine.

What would happen if you said to him, "Hey husband, I know you're out in the shed drinking every night, and I know you're hiding it from me. What's up with that? It's weird and it worries me." Not as a fact-finding mission, but as a way to let him know you know. To break that ice. To make it not a secret anymore.

You sound like you may be isolated. Google Al-Anon meetings in your area and try to get to one. It's to meet people and to talk to others about how you feel, how the alcoholism has affected you, and to learn new ways to cope, so you can sleep through the urge to search sheds for answers.
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Old 11-12-2014, 01:40 PM
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Mama,
You have come to the right place for support and help. We have all lived with an A and it is not easy. What you will learn in these walls is that you can't get the A to stop drinking. Only when he is ready will he be willing to commit to working a program and getting sober. With that said, what you can do is work on yourself. Read the forums, go to open AA meetings, hit an alanon meeting. Educate yourself to the disease of alcoholism.

Its not fun but the more you learn the more it will help you to find serenity with your life. That is what we are all looking for in our life, loving an addict.

Keep coming back and doing your home work. Good luck
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