helena09

Hi. I'm pretty new here. Not really sure how to approach this issue. I am with someone who is in recovery and this persons mood swings are proving quite difficult. I'm trying to be supportive but I feel that I can't do or say anything right. He says one thing one day and then flips out the next. I'm very frustrated and I'm trying not to stress this person out as it is a trigger for him. This is hurting me. He's just so moody. It seems no matter what I say it's not good enough.
Any advice?

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. You say you are "with someone." Is this someone you're married to? Someone with whom you have children? Someone with whom you own a company or have other complicated financial dealings?

If not, then why are you with him or her? Recovery or not, mood swings and other erratic behavior is upsetting and stressful to live with. You are worried about stressing this person out, but what about YOU? YOU sound like you are getting VERY stressed out, and that's not healthy for you, either.

SparkleKitty

Hi Helena. I am not clear how long you've been with this person, but recovery is an incredibly self-focused process. It's taking your friend everything they have have just to get through the next few minutes without indulging in their drug of choice. Multiply that by the number of minutes in a day...it may not be the right time for them to give what it takes for a relationship to thrive.

You might want to be realistic about your expectations of this person, and look out for your own best interests here.

helena09

He is my boyfriend and just recently gave up drinking. It's like a switch just flips in him. One minute we are great and then bam, he's angry and is very suspect of my intentions. I want to help him, be there for him, he's doing so well and I am proud of him.

ladyscribbler

Most of the long term sobriety success stories I know involve both partners doing their own recovery, one working an AA/NA program, the other in Alanon or Naranon. Celebrate recovery also has programs for both sides, the alcoholic/addict and the family members.
The best way to support his recovery is to let him work it while you start hitting Alanon meetings.

SparkleKitty

Right now he is learning to deal with all the stimuli of Everyday Life without numbing it all out for the first time in a long time, I expect. For many this is nothing short of a life and death battle, and he's barely taken the first step towards finding out who he really is in sobriety/recovery.

LexieCat

Let me second (or third, or whatever) the suggestion of Al-Anon for you. It isn't so much about supporting him (he should have someone other than you for support--preferably another recovered alcoholic) as it is about supporting you. Regardless of whether an alcoholic gets sober and stays that way, it can be very stressful living with one who is actively drinking or in early sobriety. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am six years sober, myself, and it isn't easy for either person. You, however, can only take care of you. There is relatively little you can do to "help" other than to do your best to allow him to deal with his own recovery.

Stick around, you will learn a lot here. Still, nothing beats face-to-face support from someone who really "gets it" and that's what you will find in Al-Anon.

guava

I wasn't clear from your posts if he is "in recovery" or "just recently gave up drinking." Two very different things (in my opinion.) Hopefully it's the former in which case I would suggest Alanon for you and lots of patience if you feel he's working his program hard and is truly someone you want to be with. If it's the latter though...I still recommend Alanon for you but encourage you to read as much as you can on alcoholism and it's progression so you can set some boundaries.

ladyscribbler

I've heard Alanon old-timers say that the first couple years or so of living with a sober spouse was even worse than the drinking days. There are also several posters living with spouses in early recovery, and it is a very difficult time even with both sides working a program.

FeelingGreat

Seeing you want to stick around and help him through this delicate and stressful phase, you might want to work out a strategy to deal with the times when the switch flips. You can't argue or soothe, so a good method is to leave his vicinity, whether it be the house or the room. Don't engage or try to calm him down; he is behaving like a frustrated child having a tantrum and it's best not to reward him with attention. Time-out is best.

He is in a very delicate state of mind, but that doesn't give him the right to be abusive towards you. It can too easily become a lazy habit for when he's feeling stressed.

He recovery is his own challenge and it won't help if you're hanging around being solicitous, maybe walking on eggshells. He has to learn to live in a world filled with situations that don't go his way, without your help. You look after your own life and self-esteem and don't accept any bad behaviour you wouldn't put up with from someone else.

CodeJob

Welcome Helena!

Thepatman

A challenging time this must be. Try to remember that recovery is somewhat of a roller coaster emotional ride. Most Alcoholics are deeply rooted in their own feelings. Some have had difficult pasts, myself included. But one thing for sure, you must first protect your feelings from such a relationship, if it means to let the person go, then you must follow your heart. Some have accomplished recovery on SR, some with the help of AA, rational recovery. But you have to follow your heart, if you believe your boyfriend is not willing to try, let him go.

Good luck and all the best