Crying at work, not a good look.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Emmy,
My AH has the exact same script yours does. I've heard the "My therapist says...." and my AH has brought up trivial crap from the beginning of our relationship. I mean he's digging back to my high school days. I remember when his accusations used to hurt me now they seem utterly ridiculous.
My AH has made a mess of his life and unfortunately, like you, the kids and I have experienced awful consequences. In one of AH's more lucid states he once tried to explain the horrible guilt and shame he feels. He said he is assaulted with evidence of his mistakes every waking moment. Does that stop him from drinking? Not neccessarily. And when he drinks he tries to shift that guilt and shame onto me with all the old I drink because of you stories. The difference now is I don't listen. I tell him I hope he has a good night and I find something more productive to do with my time.
I no longer live with my AH and that helps too.
The more you work on you the better your life gets. Remember its actions not words when it comes to alcoholics. Its not fun when the alcoholic's words can still cut so deep and get a response out of you.
I wish you peace in your new life and happiness for your kids.
My AH has the exact same script yours does. I've heard the "My therapist says...." and my AH has brought up trivial crap from the beginning of our relationship. I mean he's digging back to my high school days. I remember when his accusations used to hurt me now they seem utterly ridiculous.
My AH has made a mess of his life and unfortunately, like you, the kids and I have experienced awful consequences. In one of AH's more lucid states he once tried to explain the horrible guilt and shame he feels. He said he is assaulted with evidence of his mistakes every waking moment. Does that stop him from drinking? Not neccessarily. And when he drinks he tries to shift that guilt and shame onto me with all the old I drink because of you stories. The difference now is I don't listen. I tell him I hope he has a good night and I find something more productive to do with my time.
I no longer live with my AH and that helps too.
The more you work on you the better your life gets. Remember its actions not words when it comes to alcoholics. Its not fun when the alcoholic's words can still cut so deep and get a response out of you.
I wish you peace in your new life and happiness for your kids.
Last edited by Catherine628; 11-11-2014 at 08:58 PM. Reason: technology is not my friend tonight
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by WMJ1012 
We alcoholics are great at blaming everyone when we don't know why we're drinking and we're not quite ready to take some real action in a program. We'll go to the ends of the earth to find reasons to keep drinking.
You may be exhausted from trying to control this situation. That's Step 1 in Alanon and the insanity of Step 2 where we can be restored to serenity if we take Steps 3-12.
The solution to this control that exhausts us (I'm also very much qualified for Alanon) is to detach from the blame game (at least emotionally; sometimes physically) and trust God to handle things.
This doesn't mean you don't put one foot in front of the other, it means we get on our knees and ask Him to help us, to take over for us - and then we work our own program.
We have to take care of ourselves, and that's the best way we in Alanon can support the alcoholic.
You are good as you are.
Be good to yourself so those around you may benefit.
You may be exhausted from trying to control this situation. That's Step 1 in Alanon and the insanity of Step 2 where we can be restored to serenity if we take Steps 3-12.
The solution to this control that exhausts us (I'm also very much qualified for Alanon) is to detach from the blame game (at least emotionally; sometimes physically) and trust God to handle things.
This doesn't mean you don't put one foot in front of the other, it means we get on our knees and ask Him to help us, to take over for us - and then we work our own program.
We have to take care of ourselves, and that's the best way we in Alanon can support the alcoholic.
You are good as you are.
Be good to yourself so those around you may benefit.
Also, I no longer call his mother to get involved anymore, that just made everything crazier, and she also could not handle it. Now that I don't call her with updates on her son, I think she is still curious, but I won't go there anymore. Yes, I am living and coping with an AH. But I am taking care of myself, I am staying sober, I am living my life to the best of my ability. If he wants to blame me, tell lies about me, if other people such as his family want to believe his lies, if his family wants to blame me, GUESS WHAT? I don't care anymore. Why? Because I am sober and doing the best I can. This detachment is what is helping me cope and live with my AH. I know who I am, and that is all that matters. I am being nice to myself and nice to others (such as his family), and this is all that matters.
I am powerless over what others think, believe, and feel. The more I try and control these other people, the more insane I become. All I can do is love myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Stop calling him. Just stop. Anything that needs to be said can be done through a lawyer. Stop. Calling. Him.
When you finally get some distance, you reel yourself back in
over and over.
I don't think this helps anyone--you or him and it certainly isn't
good for the kids seeing you so focused on him and distraught.
I'm really sorry this is so painful but only you can make the pain stop.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by EmmyG
I am so upset I couldn't resist calling him.
Reaching out..engaging..is relapse behaviour.
I know..
I did it yesterday. Please, please please...love me
Instead you get a metaphoric slap to the head... and a bath of frustration, anger and shame.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Ya...sort of like...I am so upset I couldn't resist picking up that drink.
Reaching out..engaging..is relapse behaviour.
I know..
I did it yesterday. Please, please please...love me
Instead you get a metaphoric slap to the head... and a bath of frustration, anger and shame.
Reaching out..engaging..is relapse behaviour.
I know..
I did it yesterday. Please, please please...love me
Instead you get a metaphoric slap to the head... and a bath of frustration, anger and shame.
I am writing a song entitled:
"I Am NOTHING Without Loving You...."
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Remember feelings are not facts.
Build a support network for yourself and your sons. Family, Al-anon, therapy.... what ever it takes.
You can do this. When you backslide, start again tomorrow. Many of us have been there and learned the hard way. My XA deflected and blamed me for his behavior. He was toxic and our relationship grew toxic very quickly. It is a bad place to be. Do your best to let it go and let him go.
Believe me, no matter what you say or how you say it to him, he will NEVER change. Focus you energy on yourself and your kids.
Build a support network for yourself and your sons. Family, Al-anon, therapy.... what ever it takes.
You can do this. When you backslide, start again tomorrow. Many of us have been there and learned the hard way. My XA deflected and blamed me for his behavior. He was toxic and our relationship grew toxic very quickly. It is a bad place to be. Do your best to let it go and let him go.
Believe me, no matter what you say or how you say it to him, he will NEVER change. Focus you energy on yourself and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Remember feelings are not facts.
Build a support network for yourself and your sons. Family, Al-anon, therapy.... what ever it takes.
You can do this. When you backslide, start again tomorrow. Many of us have been there and learned the hard way. My XA deflected and blamed me for his behavior. He was toxic and our relationship grew toxic very quickly. It is a bad place to be. Do your best to let it go and let him go.
Believe me, no matter what you say or how you say it to him, he will NEVER change. Focus you energy on yourself and your kids.
Build a support network for yourself and your sons. Family, Al-anon, therapy.... what ever it takes.
You can do this. When you backslide, start again tomorrow. Many of us have been there and learned the hard way. My XA deflected and blamed me for his behavior. He was toxic and our relationship grew toxic very quickly. It is a bad place to be. Do your best to let it go and let him go.
Believe me, no matter what you say or how you say it to him, he will NEVER change. Focus you energy on yourself and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Why do you keep looking to the most damaged person in your life for answers, for understanding, for apologies or support of any sort?
If this last interaction with him has not opened your eyes – jolted you out of denial and put your feet into reality then I don’t know what will.
Counseling, al-anon some type of therapy to help you overcome your addiction to him and your belief that somehow he is your answer to a peaceful life.
If this last interaction with him has not opened your eyes – jolted you out of denial and put your feet into reality then I don’t know what will.
Counseling, al-anon some type of therapy to help you overcome your addiction to him and your belief that somehow he is your answer to a peaceful life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thank you for the reality check. I let myself buy into the craziness. The proof is in the pudding. I know what kind of partner I've been and his quacking is just another symptom of his alcoholism. After all of that crap yesterday, he left me a message saying he is sorry for upsetting me and that he is really just hates himself for what he's put us through and that he's going to therapy again today to keep working through it.
Whether he will actually get anywhere is anyone's guess.
I'm thinking his therapist knows exactly what's going on because she works in addiction. She is probably trying not to alienate him. Anyway, what I felt yesterday was me once again engaging with the chaos and getting exactly what I should expect from him.
I am going to therapy Saturday and I'm going to stick with it. I have to get healthy. I am losing weight and feeling good on the outside but I need to continue on my path of having a better life by stopping this emotional chaos.
Whether he will actually get anywhere is anyone's guess.
I'm thinking his therapist knows exactly what's going on because she works in addiction. She is probably trying not to alienate him. Anyway, what I felt yesterday was me once again engaging with the chaos and getting exactly what I should expect from him.
I am going to therapy Saturday and I'm going to stick with it. I have to get healthy. I am losing weight and feeling good on the outside but I need to continue on my path of having a better life by stopping this emotional chaos.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yay! We all need a reality check once in a while. I know how it easy it is for me to get sucked into things because I'm just so CLOSE to them, and with a little perspective it sorta falls into place.
Glad you are feeling better.
Glad you are feeling better.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by EmmyG
but I need to continue on my path of having a better life by stopping this emotional chaos.
Enough. ( I am soooooooooooo getting that tattoo).
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by EmmyG
Anyway, he says he’s told his therapist about all of this and she agrees with him that I must have been hiding something and that I lie.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Don't buy into his *apology* message, it is part of game to control you. Really, just let your attorney handle it, reach a formal agreement and document his behavior. You dont know what crazy action he may start next, suppose he tries for joint custody, wants custody and drinks while he has visitation.
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