I just cant seem to do it........
 

(sigh) I just can't seem to do it. Last night when I got home my hubby was not there. He has been going to a bar every night after work for a few hours and then coming home drunk. I couldn't help myself ask him where he had been. I knew where he was. I just can't seem to ignore this behavior that I think is so wrong. He was very defensive and told me that he could go where he wanted and what did I want to do about it. He asked me do you want me to leave? And I said yes. I was able to end it there and walk away. But I can't seem to ignore this behavior when I think it is so wrong. I know it doesn't do any good to talk to someone when they have been drinking, but lately that would mean that I never talk to my hubby at all. I know I have to break the pattern, but its not fair that he gets to be so irresponsible. I am so discouraged with myself and my situation. Today I feel like I haven't made any progress and hopeless. Help?

I'm going to reply, because I feel the same, except I am wanting my A back home, so that things will "feel" ok again, I feel very discouraged, upset, pissed off, esp at his irresponsiblities. I wish I could be that ir-responsible. Hell some days I think, I can't beat em, join em!

(this is not a good day for me) overlook me.

Love,
bonbon

I wish I had an answer for you. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You're only human and you're not perfect. Of course you're going to get angry and say things. How could you not, you do have feelings and emotions. I know in Al-anon they teach you about detachment but how do you really detach yourself from someone for 1. you live with, 2. you love and love in return, and 3. They are contstantly around shooving their alcoholic behavior and drinking in your face?

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? I've only been to two meetings but I already feel as though its helping me. I don't live with my husband anymore but when I did I can honestly say I reacted to his drunken stuper in the same way. Even though I knew talking and screaming at someone who is drunk does absolutely no good I still did it anyway because I guess in someway made me feel better. If that makes any sense.

I am very proud of you and you should be also. Atleast you are aware of your obsession with the alcoholic and know that you need and want to change your behavior because you can't ever count on him or expect him to change will he's still actively drinking. According to the "A" they do no wrong and will always put blame on everyone else, never themselves.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Galnva

Thanks, yes I have been attending Alanon meetings each week. I guess that is what is telling me that I need to detach etc. I do feel better after meetings but I still maintain this crazy behavior. Tomorrow is my regular meeting, maybe I need to go tonight.

I just wanted to take a minute to apologize for my comment about not beating them why not join them. I said that out of anger earlier, and I'm sorry. Hope nobody took offense to that comment.

Love,
bonbon

Bonbon
Don't beat yourself up. Many times over the years I have told my A that I want to be the irresponsible one, the always drunk one. I think it is a self defense mechanism. Then again I don't fight the feeling of always craving the alcohol and drugs. He wants to be the responsible one and just can't seem to do it. What a mixed up world. Sure wish we all had the answers, but then we wouldn't have so many interesting topics to discuss.

I don't think being angry and upset and wanting to ask questions is crazy behavior. I think it is natural behavior. We are asked to do what does not come natural for us and that is very hard to do. Recovery feels like swimming up stream. We just have to become better swimmers.

This would be an appropriate time for Smoke to enter a duck quote.

[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited April 10, 2002).]

Rose,

Awareness, acceptance and action all take time. The three A's. Take your time..you have come a long way. You are aware that there he has problem. You are aware that your actions are not getting you the result you want. Just build on that awareness today and the rest will follow.

Don't cry "fowl" yet!
Paula

You hear that Smoke?? C'mon...

I love you all...

Soooo....
We didn't get enough of the DUCK discussion on the Naranon page? We want to FOWL things up over here, too? Happy to oblige. WATER friends for.

Rose, forgive me if it seems I'm not taking your problem seriously. I have been EGGED on. I have the same problem dealing with my QUACK-head, sometimes. Dealing with an addict's FEATHER BRAINED behavior can certainly put an anon in a FLAP. We get our FEATHERS RUFFLED every time they LAY AN EGG. Detachment means we let it flow over us like WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK, but sometimes it feels like this recovery thing is not all it's QUACKED up to be.

One thing I do when I get agitated, is try to laugh. QUACK a few jokes. Life with an addict is never gonna be DUCK SOUP. If you take everything they do seriously you'll QUACK up.

You know what to do when you feel like you're SWIMMING upstream. WADDLE off to an alanon meeting, or come here. You'll feel like a DUCK IN WATER.

Hugs,
Smoke

<FONT SIZE="6" FACE="Verdana, Arial"><center>
BRAVO!!!

Whoooohoooooo!!!

Applause......my mouth is open and I'm making the fake roaring crowd noise!!!!!!!!


That was good!


Love,
bonbon